


Sex Ed

by BlissfulNightRain, Painted_With_a_Palette, SoraxKairi7



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: AU, Comedy, Crack, F/M, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2019-11-21 19:42:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 41,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18146597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlissfulNightRain/pseuds/BlissfulNightRain, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Painted_With_a_Palette/pseuds/Painted_With_a_Palette, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoraxKairi7/pseuds/SoraxKairi7
Summary: "Am I teaching Sex Ed or how to be a porn star? Because you don't seem to know the difference." This was not what Sora signed up for. SoKai. Collab fic with SoraxKairi7 and Painted With a Palette. Cross-posted from FF.net!





	1. Warning: Contains nuts

**BlissfulNightRain:**  Hello, hello lovely readers, and welcome to this crazy collab fic with the wonderful  **SoraxKairi7** and  **Painted with a Palette**! You may recognize this little number from FF.net if you've lurked around over there, but it's here now, too if you want to re-experience it! We're several chapters ahead over on FF, but will be posting here weekly until we catch up, and simultaneous posting will begin then!

Just based on the summary, you can probably guess this fic's gonna be hilarious, but be warned: this fic is not for the over-sensitive *cough*Axel*cough*. Also, the rating of this fic will go up to "M" at chapter 4, so keep that in mind for your search filters!

I'd say more, but who wants to start off a story with a crazy-long author's note? Enjoy!

o-o-o

"Mr. Fair, this sucks!"

"Oh, come on, I know you can do it, Tidus!"

The sandy-haired boy just rolled his eyes and groaned as he ran up ahead to rejoin his friends. His teacher looked on and let out a sigh.

It was just another day for Sora Fair at Destiny High.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, taking in all the usual sensations that surrounded him. The familiar sounds of feet clambering up and down the parquet floor, the screams and moans of students complaining about the pain they were in, about how much they would rather be doing  _anything else_  but this, were plainly audible. The stench of humidity and perspiration—what Sora liked to call "teen spirit"—was in the air.

His eyes opened once again, only to be greeted by the familiar sight of the large area he spent almost all his time in as a teacher. There were many names for this particular part of the school, affectionately given by his students. He'd heard it all, from "sweaty ball room" to "sausage city." Although it was amusing to hear their creativity from time to time, he preferred to use the old-fashioned, normal term—the gym.

While the job could get overwhelming every now and then, Sora found that he really enjoyed being a P.E. teacher. Sure, the area stunk, the kids got pretty annoying with their bitching, smart comments, and occasional vomiting, but the way his students' eyes lit up at the end of the period when the bell rang always made it worth it.

Sora took a look at his watch to see how much time there was left in the period until he could see that look on his student's faces that he relished so much. Sure, they were all fussy and pessimistic because of the customary laps they were required to run during the last ten minutes of class (Sora accounted this to the fact that they didn't believe in themselves as much as he did), but once the bell would ring, huge grins would appear on their faces and the atmosphere—despite the smog of adolescent pheromones—would visibly lighten. Because, of course, after reaching the end of class, they all realized that they accomplished all the goals and pushed themselves in ways they never would have thought they could, right?

_'I really shouldn't kid myself.'_  Sora shook his head in amusement.

Before he could determine what time it was, the sound of the bell echoed through the gym. His students stopped dead in their tracks, demeanors transforming instantaneously from glum to eager.

"Well, you know what that sound means!" Sora cheerily announced. "Great job, everyone! Go get changed!"

"Finally!" a girl cried out.

"Thank goodness, we're done with this crap," another girl sighed, relieved.

"Let's get outta here, before the cafeteria gets filled up!" Tidus yelled as he led the stampede of students towards the locker rooms to quickly get cleaned up.

"Happy holidays!" Sora called to them as the students sprinted by, giving him no heed.

With that, Sora could walk off to the teachers' lounge to grab his lunch. He held his head up high with a sense of pride in feeling that he was able to end the semester with that group on such a perfectly high note. So they weren't olympians, but his kids had come a long way. They weren't using coarse language at him anymore, they tried to do as they were told as best as they could, and no one threw up this time. What more could he ask for?

Stepping out into the hallway, a small frown flashed on his face, before it was quickly replaced with a smile. Sure, he missed his students already, but he knew it wouldn't be long until he would be reunited with them next semester!

"What's up with the goofy grin?" asked a familiar female voice. Sora turned to the direction of its source, only to see... _her._

"K-Kairi, hey!" He could feel the blood rush to his face as he spotted the beautiful auburn-haired woman trotting toward him, carrying a silver lunch box. He gulped as he mustered the confidence to casually reply. "Just finished up class! Can't believe today's the last day of the semester."

"Well, you do have one more class left today, don't you?" she reminded him.

"Oh, right, I almost forgot! You know I can't think straight when I'm hungry."

"That's true. What would you do without me?" She giggled. Her laugh was always so infectious. Sora chuckled along with her as he shyly scratched the back of his head. "Anyway, Axel sent me to track you down; he wanted to talk to you about something."

"Oh, he did?" Sora began to shift nervously, and it wasn't because of the woman in front of him this time.

Vice Principal Axel was…  _interesting_  to say the least.

"Yeah, not sure what it's about, but it sounded pretty urgent." Kairi shrugged. "I'd go to him as soon as you get a chance! He said it wouldn't take too long."

"Oh, okay. I'll go over right after lunch. I have a break period then, anyways."

"Oh, you're lucky!" she sighed. "I'm booked until 3:00 today. So many kids signed up to talk to me."

"How many problems do high schoolers have?" he quipped. He watched the grin return to her face. The butterflies began to beat around in his stomach.

"Actually, you'd be surprised! I've learned a lot about these kids, being their guidance counselor and all. A lot of them are pretty stressed out after final exams and midterms and the like. They need someone to vent to and to help them out!"

"Well, you are pretty great at listening to people's problems," Sora observed. "Definitely something I need to work on. Normally I just roll my eyes and tell them to suck it up. Life's too short to worry so much."

"Oh, you don't have to tell  _me_  twice about that," she smirked. Although it was all in good-natured humor, Sora couldn't help but feel that all-too-familiar twinge of regret begin to stir inside of him. "Well, I'd love to stay and chat more, but I've gotta run! Got an appointment with a student in—" she glanced at her watch "—oh, five minutes!"

"You're not gonna eat lunch?" Sora inquired.

"Already did; had a little half hour break." she assured. "I'll see you later, and don't forget to meet up with Axel!"

"Alright, yeah. Thanks." Sora waved, as he watched her smile and begin to walk off. He sighed to himself; as much as he loved teaching and spending time with his students, it was having lunch with Kairi that was definitely the highlight of his day. "Well, at least I got to talk to her for a few minutes," he perked back up.

_'What_ _would_ _I do without her?'_

o-o-o

Sora stood in front of the Vice Principal's door, not sure what to expect. Axel usually called him to his office for simple errands or just to complain, so he wasn't really looking forward to this. The door was cracked slightly, so Sora poked his head in. The windowless room was quite dim, the only thing illuminating it being the small lamp on Axel's desk. Axel was focused intensely on his computer screen and at the rate he was clicking his mouse made Sora feel like he could get carpal tunnel just from watching. "Sora, hurry up. Sit down. Almost done. Must. Win. This."

"Uh, alright." Sora sat in the chair in front of his desk. Axel paid him no mind. "What are you playing?"

"Solitaire. This game is a fucking bitch."

_'Ah, so complaints are on the agenda this time.'_  Sora thought. He watched as Axel's eyes moved around the screen, fire flashing across them.

"DAMMIT!" Axel threw his arms in the air. "So close! So fucking close!"

"You lost?"

"Yes, I fucking lost. Fucking queen of hearts, man! Dumb bitch was trapped under the jack of spades and king of diamonds, that whore!"

"You must be terrible at it," Sora smirked. Axel glared at him. "So… what did you need me for?"

Axel straightened up in his chair and clasped his hands together as he leaned forward. His demeanor had changed completely. "Here's the deal. Sephiroth has been fired and we need a replacement. I need you to drop your 10:30 class and teach Sex Ed next semester."

Sora stared at him incredulously. "Are you crazy?"

"You know, I was never really one to get into the details, but I'll tell you since I guess it's a pretty big deal. Sephiroth wasn't handling the children quite well and parents were complainin'. Said things about him bringing toys to class that didn't quite belong. Now, I'm all for a hands on experience, but Sora, you've got to admit, even high schoolers aren't that crafty when it comes to learning. In my opinion, Sephiroth had their best interests at heart and I always looked forward to going to Aqua's Adult Play Pen with him to get the supplies. There was this secret back room area for the VIP's that had the most hardcore stuff! You had to watch out for the occasional creeper, but it's one of my favorite spots."

Sora was speechless. He didn't know whether to be surprised, angry, or if he should just let it go and roll with it.

After a few moments, he decided to go with the latter. He straightened up and cleared his throat.

"So…you're telling me that I have to come up with an entire lesson plan by the end of Christmas break?" Sora deadpanned. "What if I wanted to enjoy the holidays?"

"With who?" Axel said almost too quickly, as if he knew Sora wasn't exactly attached to anyone. "Besides, you don't have to plan out the entire semester. Just the first month or so and then plan as you go along. Class is only three times a week."

"Still, it's really short notice. Why does it have to be me? I don't exactly have the  _experience_..." Sora pouted.

"But Sora, you're the bomb-diggity-dawg! Ya heard?! You work harder than a Chinese immigrant on the continental railroad in the 1930's."

"Uh, that was the Transcontinental Railroad and that was built in the 1860's. The 1930's revolved around the Great Dep-"

"See? You're a smart dude! You could figure out sexual positions and anatomy! Bet you already google it anyway."

' _Fuck, he got me..._ '

"It's like I used to say - you can't just tip a cow without milking it first, then run like hell after. Gotta give the kids something tangible and let them experiment a little. In this case, free condoms from the pregnancy center will do. I'll need you to pick those up discreetly, claiming they're for your own exploits."

"Tell me how that is being discreet with my reputation as a high school P.E. teacher?"

"Fine, say they're for your grandmother, but my point is, we need them and we're not stretching the school budget just to prevent girls from auditioning for Teen Mom's new season. That's not what this edumacation place is about. We don't need that sort of publicity. We were founded on the freedom of our forefathers!" Axel yelled dramatically as he got up out of his seat and slammed his hands on the desk. "So, what do you say, Sora?"

"I say you're insane, and it's pronounced education. There's no way I'm giving up one of my classes just to teach something that they can clearly learn elsewhere."

"Like where? The internet? Surely they cannot write "pussy" and "bukkake" on their exams." Axel stated. Sora's jaw dropped. "Besides, all students are required to take this class before they graduate. You know how it goes - three years of P.E. and one semester of sex ed. So go teach those little rascals how not to be promiscuous little sperm buckets."

"You are fucking gross, you know that?"

"I pride myself in my ability to touch people's hearts in the most disturbing ways imaginable. It has become my most memorable trait."

"Ignoring that…" Sora rolled his eyes. Axel felt that he needed a little more convincing.

"Sora, I've been around the block more times than I can count. I've had my fair share of strip clubs, drunk texts and Russian mail brides," there was a brief pause, "but I've learned to just roll with things. I can't do it because I know I will strangle the first child that uses the term "BBW" incorrectly. But you Sora, you have the patience that we need. You're the most dependable teacher here. You get your shit done, son!"

"Why are you calling me son?"

"It's ghetto dialect. Picked it up on the streets. Seriously, man. You need to lighten up."

"Right… and am I teaching sex education or how to be a porn star?" Sora asked uneasily. "Because you don't seem to know the difference."

"When you've grown up in the industry like I have, those things just sort of blend together. If you'd like, I can hook you up with a gig. Surely they have something with masks so no one knows-"

"No." Sora mentally stashed that away as he tried to regain his composure. "Is that all?"

"You will start the Monday classes resume. Have a lovely Christmas and New Years!"

A stunned Sora cursed under his breath as he left the office.

o-o-o

Sora returned to his apartment, eager to relax after an exhausting final day of the semester. Pulling his key out of his pocket, he reached for the door handle, but hesitated when he heard something going on inside.

"Warning, contains nuts? Really, Riku?" A familiar woman's voice sounded.

"Oh, come on, these boxers were on sale!" Riku reasoned. "Now, come on, let me unlock your keyhole, babe," he continued in a seductive tone.

"You suck at talking dirty."

"Oh, yeah? You suck at sucking."

Sora groaned. ' _Great, just when I thought I could kick back.'_  Riku, his roommate and best friend would often bring girls home, so he was pretty used to it. Although, now that he thought about it, it had been awhile since the last time he'd been sexiled. Although the sacred "Bro Code" was telling him to not disturb them, Sora was too tired to care at this point.

Suddenly, there was a loud thud, as if something had come crashing onto the floor.

"WAIT! THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! AMAYA, STOP!" Riku screamed.

' _Wait, he can't mean_ — _!'_

"Amaya?!" Sora flung the door open, only to find his very own lingerie-clad sister pinning his nearly naked roommate to the ground.

"SORA, HELP!" Riku cried out.

"W-What the hell is this?! What were you trying to do to my sister?!" he yelled, ignoring the fact that this may have been consensual.

"Uh… it's not what it looks like?" Riku said in an innocent yet nervous tone.

"Oh, Riku, just tell him." Amaya groaned.

"Alright, alright, but it would help if your ass wasn't compressing my lungs! Seriously, it's getting kind of hard to breathe!"

"Did you just call me fat?!"

"No! Wait, what?" Riku coughed as Amaya pushed herself down even harder on his chest.

"You know very well that I can whoop you! I don't know why you still push my buttons!"

"That was ten years ago!"

"Please, just put some clothes on!" Sora begged as he covered his eyes in horror.

After Riku and Amaya were dressed decently, they came back into the living room. Sora was still trying to get over the initial shock that his best friend was having sexual relations with his older sister.

"H-How long has this been going on?" Sora asked uncomfortably.

"Hmm...about a month now?" Amaya guessed.

"A month?!"

"Yeah! I came over here to drop some food off from Mom, and you weren't here, so Riku invited me inside, and, well, one thing led to another and here we are!" Amaya shamelessly explained with a huge grin on her face.

"You what?!" This time, the question was directed towards Riku.

"Come on, Sora. You always knew that I had a thing for Amaya."

"I never thought it would actually happen…she can do so much better than you, no offense." Sora shot a glare at Amaya.

"Oh, thanks!" Riku said sarcastically.

"Sora, I know you mean well, but I can fool around with—no, I'll be straight up, I can  _bang_ whoever I want." Amaya deadpanned. Sora nearly gagged. "And, I've got to say, Riku's pretty darned good at it." Riku proudly puffed out his chest. "He gets the job done."

"Damn straight. Sora, did you know that your sister was a little vixen?"

"Stop it! I don't want to know!"

"Oh…" Riku paused, giving Sora a sympathetic look, "Is Captain One Eye in hibernation for the winter…and the rest of the year?"

"RIKU!"

"Captain what?" Amaya seemed confused.

"Amaya, guys have this  _phase_  they go through where they believe naming their penis gives them a humungous sense of pride. They refer to their little soldier as one that thinks for them, gets them into trouble and in some situations, out of it. Mine is named Pinocchio, if you were interested. Girls seem intimidated by me for some reason, so they feel like they have to  _lie_  to get my attention, yet I still get turned on and, you know,  _grow_. I don't know what it is. I'm a very romantic and caring guy." Riku winked.

"Riku, my childhood! I'd like to hold onto it!"

"I thought the name was quite fitting! Sora, fist bump."

Sora face palmed. "No. I don't know where your hand has been."

"Come on, we didn't even even get naked!" Riku whined. Amaya just stared ahead, wide-eyed, seemingly not sure how to react to the situation.

Sora desperately wanted to change the subject. "A-Anyway, I had quite an interesting day…"

"Oh yeah! How are those little shits of yours?" Riku asked.

"They're my  _students_."

"Same difference."

"Anyway… Axel told me I have to drop one of my classes and teach Sex Ed…"

At first, it was quiet. Too quiet. Sora gave them confused looks, but suddenly they burst with laughter.  _'I should not have expected any less...'_

"He is... definitely... going to need our help," Riku said as he tried to stop his laughter. He failed as he doubled over and fell into Amaya's lap.

"Agreed! Seriously, have you ever even gotten laid?" Amaya asked. Sora didn't want to have this conversation with her.

"Whoa, hold on, sweetie." Riku interrupted, "Just because Sora's muffin hasn't been buttered doesn't mean he's incapable of teaching." They only laughed more. Grunting, Sora got up to leave, but then Riku shot up and stopped him with a serious look on his face.

"We were just thrown off guard. Bros for life."

"Whatever."

"So you  _haven't_  gotten laid?!" Amaya asked again, ignoring Sora and Riku's little moment.

"Even if I said yes, you two would not believe me." Sora sighed. "Anyway, my holidays are ruined. I have to spend them researching the reproductive system and other shit."

"Other shit like crabs." Amaya intervened.

"And chlamydia." Riku added.

"And syphilis!"

"Herpes!"

"The gift that keeps on giving."

"Totally Christmas related," Riku nodded.

"STOP!" Sora covered his ears. His sister and best friend were bonding over STD's, for crying out loud! He couldn't take it. He fled to his room and slammed the door shut behind him.

"...So, my room?" he heard Riku ask through the thin walls of the apartment.

"Sure!" Amaya agreed.

Sora picked up his headphones and plugged them into his lap top, making sure to turn the volume up as loud as possible.  _'Might as well start studying...'_  Since it was fresh on his mind, Sora googled STD images.

He regretted it the moment it loaded. Covering his mouth with one hand, he pulled off his headphones and reached for his trash can, but stopped when he heard the overly dramatic sounds coming from the next room over.

"Mmm...Oh, yes, Riku! Spank me harder! I want to be red as an apple!" Amaya's screams of pleasure were plainly audible from Riku's room.

"Okay, now they're just fucking with me." Sora groaned in annoyance.

It was going to be a long night.

o-o-o

**BlissfulNightRain:**  Oh, before I hand it over to my awesome partner in crime here, just a quick note: Yep, Amaya's my OC. She's a little different here than what I'd picture her canon version to be like, but isn't that the case with every other character? Haha let us know what you thought of her, as well as, of course, everyone and everything else! :)

**SoraxKairi7** : It's about to get cray. Be prepared for a hefty dose of awkwardness, cute SoKai moments, disturbing talks with Axel and much, much more! We will not hold back, so this fic will know no bounds.

This is my first time doing a collab fic, but fear not! The lovely and wonderful  **B** **lissfulNightRain**  is just as crazy as me which is why doing this together is only going to make it a million times more awesome! Please follow, favorite and of course,  **review**! You know you loved this chapter. It's only going to get better (or worse? depends on how you look at it!).


	2. Tacos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas break had come to an end.
> 
> Sora glanced uneasily in the mirror, a flurry of thoughts going through his mind. He wasn't sure what to expect of his first day in an actual classroom. The gym was his sanctuary and he had never imagined he would be doing anything else.

It was a cold December night by Destiny Islands' standards. A cool, gentle sea breeze overtook the usually heavy, humid tropical atmosphere. Palm trees swayed from side to side. Traffic was heavier than it normally was at this time of night; cars bustled up and down the streets in an orderly fashion. One in particular, an old blue Volkswagen Beetle, sped by faster than most.

Sora was driving as quickly as he was legally allowed to. This wasn't because he feared being late to the New Year's Eve gathering he was trying to get to at the bar, but because his sister and his best friend were moaning and passionately making out in the backseat.

Being stopped at a red light and forced to listen to them go at it wasn't exactly a pleasant experience.

"Come on, guys, have some decency!" he complained as he dared to glance in the rearview mirror. He instantly regretted it.

"Give me a break, Sora," Amaya whined, her hair slightly disheveled and the strap of her shimmery little black dress falling off her shoulder, "I'm not drinking tonight so I'll be driving you two home. Let me have my fun for now!"

"You heard the lady!" Riku agreed as he pulled her back into a steamy kiss.

"At least put your seatbelts on!" Sora huffed. "That's illegal!"

"It's only a...secondary offense," Amaya panted as Riku started kissing her neck. "Just don't drive badly...and we'll...be fine." She giggled. "Riku, that tickles!"

"Oh, but you  _love_  it." Riku nibbled on the tip of her earlobe, causing tingles throughout her body.

Sora strongly considered speeding to get caught out of spite, but concluded that the fines that came along with the ticket wouldn't be worth it. He was especially grateful when the stoplight turned green. Sora made sure to slam down on the acceleration when he took off, causing Riku to topple off Amaya and his back to slam against the front seat.

"Dammit, be a little more careful, bro!"

"Oh, sorry about that," Sora replied in a genuine apologetic tone, although the smug smirk on his face suggested otherwise.

It was the little victories that kept him going.

Sora only had to endure ten more minutes of hell before he finally was able to pull into the parking lot of '7th Heaven,' the bar owned by the family of two of his best friends, cousins Xion and Roxas.

"We're here." Sora announced.

"Already?" Amaya pouted, her hand strapped to Riku's belt. She already had undone his tie and a few buttons on his now-wrinkled dress shirt.

"Don't worry babe, we've got all night when we get back," Riku winked. "Start the new year with a  _bang_ , if you catch my drift." Sora cursed under his breath at the mental image. He took off his seat belt and opened up the door to get out of the car.

"You guys look terrible." Sora observed from his rear view mirror, disgusted at his sister's and his best friend's disheveled states. Amaya stuck her tongue out at him and attempted to fix the now tangled black curly mess that was her hair, as Riku began to button his shirt back up.

"By the way, Sora," Riku started, "when are you going to get a new car? It's kinda tight in here. Plus, this is totally a chick car."

"Hey, you leave Rhapsody out of this." Sora warned.

"Rhapsody?" Amaya asked, puzzled.

"He named his car after that song." Riku informed.

"You guys just name  _everything_ , don't you?"

With that, Sora left them in the car and headed for the entrance.

7th Heaven was a quaint little joint. Sora stepped inside to see the familiar dimly lit room, with pendant lights dangling over the no more than fifteen small tables in the establishment. The bitter-sweet scent of alcohol was thick in the air. He could hear some lively conversation coming from the far corner over the music in the background, but his focus was interrupted by a cheerful voice.

"Sora!" He turned to see none other than Xion standing behind the bar, waving him over.

"Hey, Xion! Thanks for having us here." Sora greeted. "Is it really okay to close the bar to other people like this? I would think that New Years Eve would be one of your busiest nights..."

"There's no such thing as busy here. Everyone goes to that other bar downtown with the big TV's and Karaoke. I'm glad you came, but…where are Riku and Amaya?"

"Right here!" Riku announced, as he dramatically swung the door open. Amaya followed in right behind him.

"Oh, you made it!" Roxas said as he discarded some things into the trash can. He gave Riku and Amaya a strange look as he went to wash his hands behind the counter. "What happened to you two? Looks like you got mauled."

"Guess it depends on your definition of 'mauled'," Amaya replied, with a mischievous glint in her eyes.

"Could you two stop gawking for ten seconds?" Sora complained. "I've seen people on the Jersey Shore with more class…"

"It's the honeymoon phase!" Amaya retorted.

"A phase we'll never get over…" Riku and Amaya made obnoxious kissy faces at each other.

"Excuse me while I go vomit." Sora gagged.

"You haven't even had any alcohol yet!" Amaya giggled as she turned her attention back towards her brother.

"What can I get you, Sora?" Xion asked cheerily.

"Uhh, anything that'll take away all of my inhibitions."

"I've got you covered." Xion whipped out a glass from underneath and began to concoct his drink. Sora watched in anticipation as she mixed some whiskey with coca cola. She garnished it with a lime wedge and handed it over to him.

"Thank you  _so_  much." Sora said in an overly appreciative tone. He took a large swig of it, making his face scrunch from the strong taste.

"I put a little extra in there for you." Xion mentioned to him. She focused her attention on someone else while Sora turned to the rest of the group.

"So, Roxas… how's it  _going_?" Riku's smirked; his eyes shifted over to the blonde that was now talking with Xion.

"Still as abstinent as ever." Roxas said with a deep sigh.

"Nah, man. I just meant how it was going in general, you didn't need to tell me all that. I don't need to know your business with Naminé. Yo, Xion! I'll start with a beer!" Riku called out. Roxas just rolled his eyes and turned to Sora.

"I told Lexaeus to lock the door when you all arrived, but those people were already here." Roxas gestured over at the table in the corner that Sora noticed earlier. They were the only other people in the bar. "Oh, Sora, Kairi's here, too. Sorry, I should have warned you beforehand." Roxas gave him an apologetic look.

"W-What?" Sora stuttered as his face went red. "...You don't need to warn me. Kairi and I are over it. We're still good friends."

"If you say so..." Roxas replied suspiciously.

"Kairi?" Riku spoke, as he looked in the direction of the table. "Whoa, she got hotter!"

"Yeah, she did." Amaya observed.

"I think I love you." Riku blinked.

" _Now_ you're in love?!" Sora whined.

"The heart knows no bounds!" Amaya exclaimed, as she threw her arms around Riku. "Anyway, Sora was head over heels for her." Amaya added, turning her attention back to the situation at hand. "I wonder how she's doing! You never talk to your big sister about these things!" She pouted as she started pinching Sora's cheeks.

"Gah, stop that!" Sora pushed her hands away as she giggled.

"Well, anyways, it's clear you've got some feelings left over for her. Your face is as red as her hair!" Sora began to grumble. "Hey, it's New Year's, so maybe you can steal a kiss tonight!"

"N-No!" Sora glanced over at the table in the corner. Kairi was indeed sitting there, along with some other familiar faces.

"Calm down, I was only kidding, but that totally proves you're not over it." Amaya sat on the bar stool. Before Sora could react, Naminé came over to them.

"Hey…" Naminé greeted unenthusiastically.

"Hey, Nams." Sora replied.

"You alright? You seem kinda down." Amaya asked.

"I just don't want to be here." Naminé glared over at her boyfriend as he came to join them. "I actually can't stay long, anyway."

"Hey, Amaya… what do you think? Threesome material?" Riku asked, ignoring Naminé's glum state.

"Excuse me?!" Roxas shouted.

Amaya shook her head. "No, not quite… she's missing the 'it' factor, if you know what I mean."

"What are they talking about?" an oblivious Naminé asked.

"Nothing, darling." Roxas covered quickly.

Ignoring the fact that his sister was considering other sexual partners (and another girl at that), Sora finished the last of his drink and slid it back over to Xion. "Another?" she asked.

"Maybe later. Thanks." Sora gathered his courage and headed over to Kairi's table. As he got closer, he saw that Axel and the former sexual education teacher, Sephiroth happened to be there as well. "What is this? Some sort of staff meeting without me?" Sora teased.

"Sora!" Kairi jumped up excitedly to hug him. Caught off-guard, the heat rose to his cheeks and radiated throughout his body at her touch. Before he could return the embrace, she let go of him and returned to her seat. It took everything in Sora's power not to show his disappointment. "Roxas told me you were coming, so I didn't call you," Kairi explained.

_'Why does she do this to me?'_

"Join us," Axel ushered as he scooted over in the booth.

"Actually, I don't want to intrude. I'm here with my friends." Roxas came up behind him carrying a few beers.

"We're all friends here," Roxas chimed as he set them on the table. "There you are."

"Thank  _you_  very much," Axel winked as he grabbed a bottle for himself. Roxas smiled nervously and walked back to the counter. Sora took a seat across from Kairi. He was already feeling a little tipsy.

_'I'm such a lightweight...'_ He thought to himself. Kairi tilted her head slightly in confusion as he sat there in silence.  _'Damn it, I love it when she does that. She's so cute...'_

"So, Sora, did you have a good Christmas?" Kairi asked, interrupting his train of thought.

"Yeah, it was alright. My sister Amaya over there," he gestured over to her, as she stood at the bar conversing with Xion, "and I went to our parents' house for the big holiday dinner. My brother Vanitas actually came home too, so my mom was happy for that."

"How  _has_  your mom been?" Kairi asked. "I miss her!" Sora fondly recalled the time he introduced her to his mother, Aerith. It was around the time when their relationship began, the summer before the two went off to college together. They got along very well. Even now, four years after they broke up, Aerith would inquire about her whenever Sora visited.

"She's been good. Busy at the flower shop. How was your Christmas?" Sora asked uneasily. Spending Christmas with Kairi was something he always looked forward to back then. Although it was nice to be surrounded by family, having her around during those times made everything more entertaining.

"It was wonderful! I spent it with… I mean, it was... nice." Kairi chuckled nervously. She quickly changed the subject. "Uh, so are you ready for your new class?"

"Ready as I'll ever be." Sora replied heavily. He wouldn't consider studying male and female reproductive parts a highlight of his Christmas break, but it was pretty bleak otherwise.

"Oh, are you my replacement?" Sephiroth asked, interjecting into their conversation. Sora had heard strange rumors about him over gossip in the teacher's lounge, but had never actually had a conversation with the rather intimidating-looking man.

"Unfortunately. Any pointers you got for me?"

"Well, whenever I was at a loss of what to do or how to approach an issue, I would always turn to the best: Mother," he replied, straight-faced with a husky, monotone voice.

"Huh? Why?"

"Because Mother knows everything."

"Okay…" Sora raised his eyebrow.  _'There was a reason he was fired… I don't know why I'm asking.'_  Sora watched in confusion as Sephiroth just stared at the wall. "Do you ever blink?"

"I don't waste my time with such things."

"I'd hate to have a staring contest with him." Kairi joked. Sora laughed politely, but he was really just glad to see her smile. He gave her his full attention once again. As the alcohol settled, he felt himself becoming a bit more relaxed around everyone.

"Kairi, are you staying here until midnight?" Sora asked.

"Oh, no. I have to leave pretty soon. Naminé and I are going back to her place. Axel invited me out here and I had time, so…" Kairi looked over at Axel, who didn't seem to be paying attention. "Axel, something bothering you? What do you keep looking at?"

"That blond over there has my attention," Axel replied as he sipped his rum.

"Oh, she's taken." Kairi responded.

"Mm-hmm…" Axel's kept his eyes fixated on the bar. "By the way, Sora, I sent you the student list like five minutes ago. It should be in your email."

"Oh, really?" Sora pulled out his phone to check. Naminé came over to the table. Axel continued to watch the bar. "Let's see...there're some crazy names on here." Sora said as he scrolled down the list. "Whoa, Roxas' little brother's gonna be in my class!"

"Ven? Oh, have fun with  _that_." Riku scoffed, as he and Amaya took a seat at the table behind them. "Kid's a little shit from what I remember."

"Riku, you think all kids are little shits." Amaya pointed out.

"They always give me strange looks."

"Maybe they're confused by your long, silver hair. Probably trying to figure out whether you're a dude or not." Sora said. "No offense, Sephiroth."

"My hair is God." Riku combed his fingers through his hair, but stopped when he saw Naminé glaring at him.

"Kairi, come with me?" Naminé asked, her unhappy mood unwavering. Kairi nodded and followed Naminé.

"Geeze, she's so uptight," Riku stated. He poured a shot of tequila and downed it.

"Yeah, she definitely wouldn't be able to handle us," Amaya replied. Riku nodded in agreement.

Sora continued to go through the class list; he stopped suddenly when one name stood out to him in particular. A loud gasp escaped his lips.

"Sora, you okay?" Amaya asked, noticing her brother's sudden change in demeanor.

"You look like you saw a dead person or something," Riku observed.

"I...H-Haru..."

"What about Haru?" Amaya asked, genuinely concerned.

"HARU IS IN MY CLASS!"

"Who's this Haru fellow?" Axel asked Riku as he took a swig of his rum.

"Sora and Amaya's other sister," Riku replied, preparing to knock back another shot of tequila. "She's like 13."

"15." Amaya corrected.

"Damn, how many brothers and sisters do you have?" Axel questioned.

"Two sisters and one brother…" Sora clarified, still dazed.

"Well, your parents were busy," Axel scoffed.

"Mother was 15 when she had me," Sephiroth interjected. He stared straight ahead into the distance.

"That's...great?" Amaya replied uneasily.

"See Sora? This is why we need those condoms!" Axel exclaimed.

"My precious little sister…" Sora pouted.

"Oh, please." Amaya rolled her eyes. "Sora, she's a teenager going through the pangs of adolescence. Who better to teach her than her own brother? Yeah, it's a bit awkward, but I don't know why you're complaining. I'd rather you than  _that_  guy, anyway." She glanced in Sephiroth's direction. He was still staring onward, eyes wide and unblinking.

"I want to save her innocence…" The alcohol was really starting to affect Sora. He began petting his phone's screen, causing all sorts of mayhem on the touch pad. "I was too late with you, Amaya, but maybe, just maybe… I can save her…"

"What did you have? Like one drink?" Axel asked, a bit surprised.

"Don't judge me..." Sora responded. Riku reached over and took his phone, then handed it to over to Amaya.

"That's probably a good idea. I would hate for Sora to make any  _weird_  phone calls." Amaya stopped when she noticed Kairi and Naminé returning to the table.

"We're going to head out." Kairi informed, but she was distracted by Sora for a moment when she saw that he was just staring down at the table in utter despair. "Sora, what's the matter?"

"He's fine!" Riku covered, getting a little tipsy himself. "You go ahead! Happy New Years!"

"Happy… New Years." Kairi said, but Naminé was already heading for the door. "Sorry I have to go so soon." Sora gave her a desperate look.

"I-I-I-" he stuttered, at a loss for words. He didn't want her to leave; he had only just gotten here! There had to be a way to stop her.

"Well, then… see you." Kairi waved and turned.

"Kai—"

"Nope!" Riku reached over clasped a hand on Sora's mouth.

o-o-o-o

An hour later, Sora and Riku were hammered. They had moved to a table on the other side of the bar because it just  _looked_  shinier than the rest, according to Sora. Amaya followed them around in amusement, making sure they didn't do anything too reckless.

"My life is so peeerfect!" Sora beamed, putting an arm around each of them and using their weight to hold himself up as he swung off the ground.

"Hey, you sound like a cat!" Riku shouted, laughing like an idiot. "Do that again!"

"Like this?  _Purrrfect!_ "

"Whoa, man… calm down with that shit. It's getting hot in here." Riku fanned himself dramatically as Sora lay on his side across the table, resting a hand on his hip.

"Paint me like one of your French girls!" he pleaded as he began to unbutton his shirt. Amaya immediately clamped her hands over his and stopped him. "Quit it! You're crampin' my style!"

"Sora, you don't have a sense of style. Your wardrobe consists of mostly gym clothes, and then the polos and khakis Mom so graciously buys for you."

"What are you  _wearing_ , Sora from State Farm?" Riku jeered.

"Khaaakis!" Sora sang back to him. "You know what I want to be more than  _anything_? A fucking lion." Sora said as he lay out in the seat of the booth, his legs dangling in the aisle.

"You would make the cutest baby lion." Riku responded. He stared up at the ceiling.

"I sure could give Simba a run for his money. I'd be the leader of the pride."

"And get all the bitches."

"Every last one of them!" Sora yelled.

"YEAH! Now hold on while I go punch a wall to regain my alpha male status." Riku put out his fist to Sora instead, but Sora was still laying down. "Oh, god, Sora, where did you go?!"

"Huh? What? I'm right—" Sora came up too fast and felt a bit dizzy. "Owww…"

Amaya shook her head at the two, a big grin on her face.

"You're so much more fun when you're drunk. You're just so uptight all the time! Like Roxas' girlfriend. Speaking of Roxas… where is he?" Riku scanned the room, thinking he saw Roxas over at the counter. "Oh, who cares. Hey, Sora?"

"Hmm…?" Sora mumbled.

"Sora, the truth is... I'm only banging your sister…" Riku paused to hiccup, "because it's the closest I can ever get to banging you."

"So when we do things, you're thinking of Sora instead?" Amaya inquired, entertained at her boyfriend's drunken state. Riku didn't hear her as he continued to ramble.

"You're my brother from another mother... don't ever worry 'bout your other lover... 'cause... you're my one true homie, ya feel me?" Riku sang lazily as he closed his eyes and leaned against the wall.

"So… wait, what does that make Amaya?" Sora asked.

"Nah, her Dad's that Zack guy," Riku shrugged. "Totally different…"

"He's Sora's dad, too." Amaya pointed out, but once again, Riku ignored her.

"I just want to caress your beautiful chocolate hair..." Riku reached for it. "Come here… how  _do_  you get your hair to spike like that? You should totally forget about Kairi. I'm so much," he hiccuped once more, "better in bed."

"I can never forget about Kairi…" Sora's mood suddenly turned sour. "Why did she have to leave?" Sora rested his head on his arm and stared off into the distance.

"Ugh, it's always one extreme or another with you when you drink!" Riku groaned.

Meanwhile, Axel observed that Roxas was getting a little tipsy; he didn't appear to be in the highest of spirits.  _'Time to make my move.'_  He swiftly appeared next to him at the bar. "What has got you down?"

"There's nothing ever wrong, but nothing's ever right… such a cruel contradiction…" Roxas sulked.

"Speak in a language I'll understand." Axel responded.

"My girlfriend wants to wait until marriage to have sex, which I totally get and respect. But man, sometimes, it just frustrates me… yet I don't have the heart to cheat on her…" Roxas explained gloomily.

"I see." Axel thought for a moment. "What if I could tell you a sure-fire way to get her in bed?"

"That's highly unlikely. My girlfriend is so devoted to her religion that she sometimes makes Westboro Baptist Church look like nice people. I'm surprised she even came here with me. She always denounces the bar—it's a place that's filled with sin, in her opinion. And she's probably pissed that I'm not spending New Years with her."

"That sucks, but I'm telling you, I  _know_  how to make a woman scream. Now, before we begin, do you have prescriptions for anything, such as Enzyte? If not, I can get you some. We want to start off on the right foot."

Roxas was too drunk to figure out how to respond, so he did the logical thing: he took another shot of vodka before replying. He shut his eyes as he swallowed it, showing his clear distaste with the bitter drink. "I believe I am fully capable of pleasing her. It's just getting her to that point that is difficult. Anyway, as nice as it would be to take that next step, I respect her decision."

"How long have you two been together?" Axel asked, bemused.

"...Four years."

"OH, DAMN!" Axel shouted, catching Xion's attention as she tended the bar. Noticing this, he lowered his voice. "I mean… alright. Here's the deal. I'll show you exactly how to turn any woman on, whether they're Christian, lesbian, a five eyed cyborg—whatever. As long as they have a vagina, I'm the expert."

"What the hell?" Xion voiced. Axel didn't pay her any attention as he kept his focus on Roxas.

Roxas was disturbed, but the alcohol was making it hard to abandon his curiosity. "Okay. Tell me."

"Are you an open minded person?" Axel smirked at the blond as he eyed him up and down. Roxas didn't like where this was going.

"I'd like to think so…"

"Then we need to make out. I have to see how well you do in the kissing department. Part of the problem may be you."

"Hell no, man! I'm not… gay!"

"Two guys can make out without being gay. Chicks dig that kind of thing anyway."

"Some do." Xion said in agreement and shrugged. "Not that…  _I do_ … just saying… ahem." She pretended to wipe the counters down to look busy.

"I feel like... tacos..." Axel gave him a quizzical look. Roxas was starting to ramble as the alcohol took its effect. "Vodka and I aren't good friends. I always throw up after, but yet we can't separate on nights like this. We have a love-hate relationship."

"Yeah. Do you want to fuck your girlfriend or not?"

"Yes…" Roxas pouted and lay his head on the counter. He kept lifting the shot glass up and down on the table as he stared at it. Axel began touching up and down his arm, squeezing the muscle, or lack thereof. Dissatisfied, he slyly moved over to his shoulders, massaging them. Roxas thought it was a little strange, but he was too out of it to care at this point.

That was, until Axel's hand suddenly cupped his ass. Xion desperately tried to hold back her laughter.

"DUDE, what are you doing?!"

"You need to...broaden your horizons a little bit." Axel gently caressed Roxas's inner thigh, leaning in dangerously close to him. "Like this," he whispered. "Teasing is the first step...and then..." Axel blew his hot breath into Roxas' ear, making him gulp in anticipation. "While you're doing this, stroke her blonde hair…" Axel ran his fingers through Roxas' hair, "with your other hand around her private area. Just a little flick or two will do at first." Axel lightly flicked at his pants, causing Roxas to become even more tense. "Once she's fully immersed," Axel's hand hovered over Roxas' crotch and he smirked, "Start rubbing gent—"

"Whoa! Okay, okay!" Roxas tried to stand but in the process he nearly fell over, catching himself on the counter. "I think I'm going to be sick…"

"Roxas, I will never let you forget this." Xion giggled to herself. Roxas shot her a glare.

"I guarantee that if you use these moves on your crazy Christian girlfriend, she'll be begging for YOUR forgiveness by the end of the night." There was a slight pause. Roxas turned to him, unable to think straight.

"So… y-you're absolutely sure?"

"Roxas, I'm the love doctor."

"I need to talk to Naminé right now..."

"Ohh, no you don't." Xion held up his phone. "I have it. You told me to never let you drink and have your phone at the same time. As amusing as this is, what happens here, stays here."

"Xion! Give it back! You don't understand the struggle!" Roxas begged. Axel merely smirked.  _'Why do I feel so… weird…?'_  Roxas asked himself as he tried to comprehend what just happened. His face was flushed with embarrassment.

"My job is done here." Axel ruffled Roxas' hair and then went back to join Sephiroth, whom was intently focused on a book back at the table. "Whatcha readin' there, Sephy?"

"Oedipus. A beautiful tragedy," Sephiroth replied, his cat-like eyes never leaving the pages.

o-o-o-o

"Ten seconds, you guys!" Xion announced.

Axel, Sephiroth, Sora, Riku, Amaya and Roxas gathered at the bar and counted down.

"3… 2... 1… HAPPY NEW YEAR!" They all cheered. Riku grabbed Sora and planted a kiss right on his lips, then spun around and fell onto the floor in victory.

"YOU STOLE MY NEW YEARS KISS, RIKU!" Sora gasped, as he covered his mouth in horror.

"Oh, get over it." Riku scoffed. "I've done it a million times before."

"How could you do it a million times when I'm only 24?"

"Stop making me do math. It's too hard…" Riku rested his arm over his forehead.

"Wow, your bromance just went to a whole 'nother level…" Amaya said, strangely unbothered that her boyfriend had just kissed her brother.

"Riku, get off the floor." Xion commanded. Riku groaned and sat up in a chair.

"Hey, Amaya…" Sora giggled. "Now every time you kiss Riku it will be like… kissing me!"

Amaya's eyes widened at the implications. "Riku is washing his mouth out with soap before he comes anywhere near me with that shit."

"Hey, do they have flavored soap?" Riku interjected as he sat back up. "Because I would not be opposed to trying flavored, edible soap." He gasped as he had an epiphany. "SORA! I just thought of an AMAZING get rich quick scheme! EDIBLE SOAP, OH MY GOD! IT COULD BE LIKE A SECRET! So when kids get in trouble they can replace their regular soap with our edible soap and VOILA! They won't suffer when they talk about how excruciating their aunt's saggy breasts are… or something!"

"Oh, hell yeah!" Sora agreed. Amaya buried her face in the palms of her hands, at a loss for how to handle the situation.

"Not only would it save kids from terrible torture, but it could also be used during sex! Just think of the possibilities, Amaya!" Riku beamed.

"I'm surprised you're talking to  _me_  about sex right now," she rolled her eyes."Besides, someone probably already thought of this...although now that I think about it...hm…"

After celebrations were over, Sephiroth immediately left on urgent business pertaining to "Mother." Amaya and Axel helped Xion close the bar since everyone else was too drunk to move.

"Can I take him home? Please?" Axel begged Xion as he watched over a sleeping Roxas.

"No way." Xion chuckled, amused.

After everything was done, Amaya drove Sora and Riku home. The car was quiet, save for the humming of the engine. She peered into the rearview mirror, only to see Sora sound asleep on Riku's shoulder, and Riku resting his head atop Sora's. She laughed softly to herself.

"What a great way to start the new year…"

o-o-o-o

It had been a long night for Kairi. As much as she was enjoying her time at the bar, it was nice to be able to count down to the New Year cuddled up on a cozy couch with her best friend. Much had been plaguing her mind lately; she desperately needed to spend time with the one person she knew she could trust. Although she listened to other people's problems all the time, Naminé was the one she turned to when she needed some advice of her own.

' _Sora looked pretty sad back there. I wonder if I should have—'_

"Kairi, am I a bad person?" Naminé inquired, a dejected look in her eyes.

Even though Kairi could use a vent session of her own, Naminé was also having some serious trouble. She put aside her worries and opted to hear out her best friend.

"No, of course not," Kairi reassured. "Roxas knows how you feel about the bar scene. It was wrong of him to bring you there."

"He usually respects my wishes, but since his uncle owns the bar, he's there quite often." Naminé sighed. "I'm worried."

"I don't think you have anything to be worried about. Roxas loves you." Kairi gave her a comforting pat on the back.

"Maybe I should call him and apologize for my behavior… I just feel bad."

"Just wait until he gets home, or even 'til tomorrow."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," she replied, as her lips turned up in a weak smile."Oh, how are things with Seifer, by the way?" Naminé asked, as she turned her attention back to her.

"It's going alright, I guess." Kairi shrugged. "He got me some diamond stud earrings for Christmas…he likes to spend money on me even though I constantly tell him not to. Those aren't cheap…"

"Oh, where are they?" Naminé asked, surprised.

"I left them in my safe. I would feel weird wearing them out in public…" Kairi said uneasily.

"He's definitely different from Sora from what I can tell, and I'm not just talking about the money. I didn't think he was your type." Naminé pointed out.

"I know. Believe it or not, he's actually a sweet guy… when he wants to be. Sora was, too… but he just never really  _listened_ … you know what I mean? Seifer and I relate on a lot of levels." Kairi sighed.

"That's a little hard to believe." Naminé chuckled.

"You just need to get to know him," Kairi defended.

"I guess you're right." Naminé conceded. She put her arm around her and leaned onto her shoulder.

"Kairi?"

"Yes, bestie?"

"Do you think...Sora might still have feelings for you?"

"Wow, that's random. What makes you think that?"

Naminé gave her a stern look. "You can't be  _that_  oblivious."

"What are you…?" Kairi was at total loss as to what Naminé was implying.

"Didn't you see the way he was looking at you at the bar?"

Kairi thought back for a moment.  _'He was definitely acting strange as I was about to leave. Why did he look so upset? It has been a long time. I thought we were past that...'_

"Even if he does, Sora broke up with  _me_. He didn't want to  _try_  and make it work. That's not my problem."

"I suppose."

"Anyway, it's been a long night," Kairi yawned. "I'm beat."

"Guest bedroom's all set for you," Naminé beamed. "Good night!"

"Thank you! You're the best! Night, night!"

The two walked off to their bedrooms and went to sleep.

o-o-o-o

Christmas break had come to an end.

Sora glanced uneasily in the mirror, a flurry of thoughts going through his mind. He wasn't sure what to expect of his first day in an actual classroom. The gym was his sanctuary and he had never imagined he would be doing anything else.

"At least I look good," Sora sighed as he examined himself. Amaya bought Sora a nice black blazer and dress pants to wear with his polo shirt, because according to her, any other outfit he would have put together would have probably been "hideous." He went through his briefcase, making sure he had everything he needed. "Well, guess it's time to go."

He walked out into the living room, where Amaya and Riku were sitting on the couch waiting for him.

"That is  _so_  much better." Amaya nodded, admiring the outfit she picked.

"You look hot, man. Let me know if I need to kill some high school fan girls."

"...How many fan girls have you killed…? Now that I think about it, that one chick that was following you around several months back… I haven't seen her lately…" Amaya pondered aloud.

"Let's just say it was taken care of." Riku stated.

"Whatever." Sora rolled his eyes. "Anyway, thanks for the clothes. I'll be going now."

"Good luck today!" Amaya squeaked as she jumped up to hug him. "You're gonna do great!"

"Make papa Riku proud! Amaya sure does… taking care of all those little shits and whatnot!"

"What the hell?!" Sora exclaimed as he raised an eyebrow, not sure what Riku was implying.

"Ah, yeah, gotta get to the daycare soon…" she reached over to grab her bag off the couch, but stopped for a moment appearing to be deep in thought. "Riku, I guess I should know this, but what  _do_  you do for a living?" Amaya inquired.

"You're sleeping with him, practically  _living_ with him, and you don't know what he does?" Sora asked incredulously.

"Do  _you_  know what he does, Sora?"

"Um…"

"Don't question how I get my money. Just know that I get it and when it's gotten I got it," Riku said in a husky voice.

"Okay then…" Sora conceded. He didn't have time for this to stand around like this. "See you guys after school," Sora waved as he shut the door and left.

Sora made it to the school about fifteen minutes later.  _'First lesson is naming the parts of the body. Do I even know them?'_  Sora absentmindedly looked down as he strolled towards his new classroom, trying to recollect all he had studied over the break. He passed by the gym; a strong sense of yearning overtook him.

_'What I would give to be in there right now...'_

He let out a longing sigh as he continued down the empty hallways on to his new classroom.

_'Here goes nothing...'_

Sora took a deep breath before turning the doorknob to enter the unfamiliar room. He was greeted by a medium sized space filled with rows of empty students' desks, pointed towards the large whiteboard. The morning light shone through the large windows on the left wall. He walked over to his new desk in the front corner of the room and began unpacking his briefcase. The first bell rang; almost immediately after, he heard the door whip open.

"Sora!" a familiar peppy voice caught his attention. He looked up to see no one other than a bright-eyed, brown-haired girl; her grin was identical to his.

"Haru," Sora acknowledged his little sister as she strode into the classroom. He gave her an uneasy smile.  _'Here we go...'_

"I totally made sure to be the first one here! I got so so excited when I saw your name on my schedule! I was like, 'Oh em gee, I can't believe he didn't tell me he was teaching this class!'"

"It's not something worth getting so excited over," he chuckled nervously.

"Oh come on! This is literally gonna be the best class ever!" she chirped, as she trotted over to a desk up in the front row.

"Uh-huh," Sora replied absentmindedly as he walked back towards the door to prop it open for the other students. Instantly, they started flooding in one by one. Sora saw a few students from his gym class last semester. He was grateful for the familiar faces, though the amount of new kids nearly overwhelmed him.

He looked up to see nearly all the desks occupied. Most of his students had arrived in time for the second bell. Ven, Roxas' little brother walked in right in time. "Whoa, you're the teacher? Sweet!" he exclaimed, raising his hand up for a high-five as he greeted Sora.

"I'm ready, big bro! Teach me how to make babies!" Haru hollered, before Sora could react.

"Oh, I can teach you how to make babies," Ven winked. Sora's hand  _accidentally_  smacked Ven across the head. "Hey!"

"Oops, I missed," Sora deadpanned.

"No wonder you're not the P.E. teacher anymore," Ven quipped, rubbing the tender area. Sora was not amused as he made his way to the front of the class.

Ven took a seat next to Haru. "Hey, babe," he greeted as she began to giggle. Sora noticed this exchange and rolled his eyes. "Damn! You're looking mighty fine today."

_'Oh… fuck me with a silver spoon...'_

o-o-o-o  
o-o-o-o

**Blissfulnightrain:**  Hello hello guys! Damn that was a doozy of a chapter. So much to take in! We hope it kept you entertained! Oh, and yeah, Haru's another OC of mine. No more OC's after her, I promise! Anyway, thank you so much for taking your time to read this! Please leave us some feedback to let us know what you thought!

**SoraxKairi7:**  Oh gosh! So much to take in, huh? Geeze, writing this is so much fun. A few questions to ask yourselves: Will Sora always be forever alone? Do you feel sorry for Roxas? What does Riku do for a living? Most importantly, how will Sora handle his new class?! We have some interesting developments coming, so please  **review**  and tell us what you thought of this chapter!

**Shoutouts:** Special thanks to  **MikeGrahm** for your comment on the last chapter!


	3. Mild Buffalo Wings

Sora didn't realize how terrible he was at public speaking until he was standing in front of a class of twenty-two students.

"Hello, everyone. I'm Mr. Fair… uh… some of you may know me from gym class…"

This was why Sora preferred being a P.E. teacher. No pressure when he was running around or shooting hoops—it was therapeutic, if anything. He was thankful he at least had his two gym periods after lunch to look forward in this formal classroom setting with a bunch of teenagers staring at him made him feel like a fish out of water.

"Don't be afraid, big bro!" Haru exclaimed, noticing the uneasy expression on his face.

 _'Damn it, uh, notes… where are my notes… oh, right..._  '

Sora cleared his throat. "Um, okay. We're going to start off with a little exercise. I want everyone but Haru to think of one question you have that pertains to this class." He heard Haru say something in protest, but chose to ignore her and continued. "It may help in figuring out what topics I need to focus on a little more."

"Do we have to ask it out loud?" a concerned girl with short, dark-brown hair asked. Sora recognized her from the previous semester. Several other kids around her nodded shyly in agreement.

 _'They have a point… hmm..._ ' Sora pondered. He put on a comforting smile as he began to respond. "You don't have to ask if you don't want to. I'll be filling out a seating chart, so just tell me a name you want to be called when I come by. I'll give you a few minutes."

He retreated to his desk and began shuffling his papers around.  _'Where did I put my lesson plan? I thought I would be more organized… maybe it's just my nerves...'_  As he put his reading glasses on, a wolf-whistle sounded from the back of the room. Though he was caught off guard, Sora pretended not to notice as he continued looking through a folder until he found what he wanted.  _'Let's see… names… and then the first lesson is introducing anatomy. Wonder if we'll get to it, though, 'cause of all this syllabus shit. Do I really have to go through the syllabus? They can read…_ ' After a minute or two, Sora noticed that the class had become quite lively.

"Well, it sounds like you guys are done," Sora announced, though the chatter didn't subside. Pen in hand, he stood for a moment, calculating on where to begin. He decided to start from the desk closest to the door, where a gray-haired boy wearing a black over-sized hoodie sat.

"Could I get your name, please?" Sora asked. A few students around him quieted down.

"Ienzo," the boy coolly replied.

"Thank you." Sora continued down the aisle, writing down the names as he went along. He looped around to the front again, where his little sister was. ' _It should be against the law to have to teach your relatives.'_  He wrote her name and swiftly continued on to the next person.

"So- _wa_ , you didn't ask me what I wanted to be called," he heard Haru whine. Sora mentally cursed; his little sister was always demanding his attention.

"Alright, what?" Sora groaned.

"Still Haru. I just wanted to bug ya!" Sora rolled his eyes. The boy behind her looked older than everyone else. Dressed in skinny jeans and a torn band shirt, his sandy blonde mullet was gelled up in a style that was reminiscent of a certain British rocker Sora couldn't quite recall the name of. ****  
  
"Demyx, yo."

"Thanks."

Next was a somber looking girl with short gray hair and striking ruby eyes. Her arms were crossed and she seemed uninterested by the lively banter she was surrounded with.

"Paine," she introduced herself, not averting her gaze.

"Thank you!" Sora smiled. He didn't think too much of it as he moved on to the two peppy girls sitting ahead of her.

"Hi Mr. Fair!" beamed the familiar blue-eyed girl.

"Hey there, Yuna!" he greeted enthusiastically, jotting her name down. He was ecstatic to see another familiar face, especially one that belonged to one of his favorite students. He turned to the bright-eyed blonde girl sitting up ahead of her.

"Well, hey there… so exactly how  _fair_  of a grader are you? Would you give  _me_  the curve?" She batted her eyes flirtatiously. Sora inwardly grumbled as he figured this was where the mysterious wolf-whistle came from.

"Dang, always hitting on the male teachers, aren't you?" Ven called out.

"Your name, please?" Sora replied politely, ignoring her advances.

"Rikku!"

The image of his vigorous roommate flashed in his mind.

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"You heard me. What's yours, big boy? You looked mighty fine over there. You know, I have a thing for older guys… but you  _can't_  be older than 22," she winked.

...Imagining  _Riku_  winking at him didn't make the situation any better.

"He's 24!" Haru shouted from up front, giggling at her older brother's awkward situation.

"Age is just a number. The only thing separating us is a little bit of reluctance, but baby, I can make you feel aight."

Sora could have sworn he heard Riku say some of the very same words to Amaya the other night.

"I would appreciate if you kept your comments to yourself." Sora moved along, shaking his head. He came up to a lively, raven-haired girl.

"The name's Yuffie," she beamed. Sora let out a sigh; this was definitely a nice change of pace from the last one.

"Thanks!" He jotted her name down.

Back at the front again, Ven looked up at him with a huge, devious grin.

"You better not cause any problems." Sora warned. "I'd hate to have to call your parents."

"Why would I? I'd love to see what you can teach me about sex. Although… I wonder if I may be a little more knowledgeable on the subject?" Ven asked slyly, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"What do you know that I don't, Venny?" Haru asked.

"Things, Haru. Things." Ven waved her off.

"I highly doubt that. Until last year, you thought rubber was just an obese man with a toothpick in his mouth that liked to play Just Dance 3." Sora smirked. Ven's jaw dropped in response; he was lucky everyone else was too caught up in their own conversation to hear.

Victory sure was sweet, even if it was over a snot-nosed little pretty boy with twigs for arms.

That was what Sora thought, anyway.

"Roxas lied to me, okay?!" Ven defended. His cheeks went crimson.

Sora chuckled and moved on to the next student.

"Marluxia, but you can call me Marly," stated a very flamboyant teen with shoulder-length pink hair.

"Dude, that's so gay!" shouted a guy from the back.

"Yeah, Wakka… isn't he on the cheerleading squad?" a boy who Sora recognized as Tidus added.

"Hey!" Sora yelled. "I won't allow that sort of language in my class!"

"But coach, don't you agree?" Tidus persisted.

"If I hear it again, I will not hesitate to write you up," he responded sternly.

"You tell him, big bro!" Haru cheered from the front.

"I liked you better in gym class." Tidus pouted, as he sank into his seat.

_'Whatever.'_

"I'm proud to be on the cheerleading squad." Marluxia stated passionately, fists clenched and cobalt eyes gleaming as he got up from his chair. "Don't worry, Mr. Fair. Their words can't hurt me. I know who I am."

"That's great. Just… sit back down." Sora said uneasily, hoping to avoid some class debate. He came to the last desk. A guy with a black patch over his right eye looked up at him creepily with the other.

"Braig's the name," he introduced himself. Sora dismissed the strange accessory on the boy's face and nodded as he wrote down the final name on the list.

Sora looked over the seating chart as he went back to his desk. He remembered reading a few of them on the class list in his e-mail; his job now was to memorize who was who. Although he was a bit overwhelmed, he did his best to mask it with a bright smile.

"Alright, I think I've given you guys enough time! Who wants to start? Remember, there are no stupid questions," Sora reassured the class. The boy with the mullet's hand shot up immediately. "Yes?"

"If I have sex with a girl that has a very hairy,  _you know_ , will I get rug burn?" Demyx inquired.

"I take that back," Sora blinked.

"Come on!" Demyx pleaded, flailing his arms. "I need an answer! It's a legitimate question!"

"I don't think that's possible… different _textures_  and all…" Sora responded; he was already starting to feel a bit uneasy. Riku and Amaya suggested he hand out a questionnaire, but he really had no idea what level to expect from these kids. This definitely wasn't it. The boy with the eyepatch was next. "Yes, uh… Braig?"

"Does accidentally peeing inside a girl during sex have any health risks for her?"

 _'I should have begged Axel to reconsider._ '

"It's not possible for a man to pee while he has an erection," Sora sighed.

"Oh, okay. I guess I was ejaculating sperm, then."

"How do you even confuse the two?!" Ven blurted, turning around in his desk to look at the other boy.

"They both feel so good! It's not called  _relieving yourself_  for nothing. I never wear condoms either, so that's why I really have to know." Braig pondered aloud.

"Why don't you wear them?" Sora raised an eyebrow, not sure if he  _really wanted_  to know.

"One, they're uncomfortable. Two, I can never find any in my size. I just have a huge dick. It's like the ones you see in the adult stores that you swear up and down would rip a girl's vagina open and send her to the ER. I think the term is… hung like a horse?" Braig spouted with confidence.

"Oh, please, honey… I've seen you wear jersey shorts and trust me, even I'm not fazed." Marluxia scoffed. "I've seen you get  _excited_  over Miss Lockheart's jiggly boobs, but—" He was abruptly interrupted by Sora.

"Watch your language...and you should always wear a condom." Sora deadpanned.

"I'm an XXL." Ven shouted happily. Haru gave him a strange look. Sora was at a loss. This was worse than what he dealt with at home.

Kind of.

"No you're not. I bought you a size small and it fit you perfectly." Haru said. A few of the kids around them had trouble stifling their laughter.

"You what?!" Sora could feel his blood pressure rising. How long had the two of them even been dating?! And they were way, way,  _way_  too young and—

"We're not talking about sweatshirts, babe." Ven smirked mischievously. The class was too enamored with their own conversations to notice. Sora's shoulders relaxed a little.

"Oh, oops! Wait, what are you guys talking about, then?"

"Next question!" Sora intervened, before Haru could get her answer. He had to try to preserve what little innocence he possibly could of his younger sister, but he was a little nervous about the upcoming questions.

_'This was a bad idea.'_

Was there still any chance of turning back?

The spunky girl with the short black hair slowly raised her hand.

"Is queefing normal?" Yuffie asked.

"Very normal." Sora responded, happy to be answering a more appropriate question. Keeping his composure during the others was a hard task to overcome. He noticed a hand go up in the back. "Alright, Tidus?"

"Do humans have a mating season? Like is there any particular time to… do it?"

"All day e'rydaaay" Ven chanted. Sora suppressed the urge to hit him with a textbook.

"No, that's not something that pertains to our species," Sora replied, as Ven continued to snicker to himself. "Next?"

"If you eat spicy chicken wings and then finger a girl right after, will it hurt her?" Wakka asked loudly, visibly trying to suppress his laughter.

"...You should always wash your hands."

"But nah, I meant the spices could burn her insides and make her feel a bit uncomfortable, ya know, man?"

"Hands. Wash them," Sora blinked.

"Aww, I love spicy chicken wings." Haru pouted. "Buffalo mild is my favorite!"

"Ven can't have those anymore," Sora mumbled to himself.

"I have a mild buffalo right here," Ven winked.

"Why you little—" Sora grimaced, readying his hand for the smackdown of death. He stopped when he saw the boy rummage through his backpack to retrieve...a buffalo plushie.

"SO CUTE!" Haru exclaimed.

"I won it for you at the arcade the other day. I wasn't sure when to give it to you, but I guess this moment worked out better than any other so…" Ven blushed a little as he handed it over to her.

A loud, longing sigh perpetuated throughout the room from Marluxia and the female population of the class. A few boys jokingly gagged, though Sora could really feel something acidic rising up in his throat.

"Aww, thank you, Venny!" she beamed, as she hugged the doll tightly. "I shall call him...Sir Puffy Puffy! PuPu for short."

"As long as you're happy, darling." Ven smiled sincerely, basking in all the attention they were receiving.

"Anyway, who else has a question?" Sora changed the subject quickly. He did that often.

"Can I store things in my vagina?" Paine's raspy, cool voice rang out. Sora didn't know whether he was more taken aback by the fact that she was actually speaking, or what she was asking.

"It's… not recommended…" Sora was slow to reply. He called on someone else, admittedly surprised by all the questions he was receiving.

"Is it possible to exercise your penis and make it grow stronger through weight-training?" Braig called out.

"No, it's not a muscle," Sora responded dryly. "Can you guys please raise your hands?" He noticed Tidus' hand go up again, and nodded at him.

"I get morning wood all the time. Is that normal?" Tidus spoke. Yuna, who was established as his girlfriend at the end of last semester, clasped a hand over her mouth in shock.

"Yeah, I suppose." It was for himself, anyway.

"So are you saying you do, too? That I'm not alone?" Tidus grinned.

"Demyx, you have another one?" Sora blatantly disregarded the snide prodding.

"What do I do with the girl's legs? They're kind of… in the way."

"If you don't know, you're too young." Sora raised a brow.

"I've done it before, but it was just so awkward trying to position myself just right. She wasn't very flexible, either!"

"Blow up dolls are supposed to be flexible. I think you got a defect." Ven pointed out.

"She was real! All four holes functioning."

The atmosphere in the room suddenly became even more awkward.

"Alright, next?"

"Is a sock and rubber band just as effective as a condom?" Braig asked out of turn once more.

"I… guess? But it probably wouldn't…feel too good..."

"I'll try it out and let you know!"

"Please spare me… as well as the girl you're thinking of using it on." Sora noticed Wakka's hand in the air. "Yes?"

"If you accidentally cum inside of someone, can you stick a vacuum inside of her and suck the sperm out to prevent pregnancy?" Sora's eyes widened. That was it.

"Don't you guys know  _anything_?!" he yelled, exasperated.

"Not our fault we never had a Sex Ed class before." Yuna shrugged.

"Really? Weren't you guys supposed to have a class in middle school or something?" He momentarily recalled many  _not so fond_  memories of his own.

"Our middle school couldn't afford a sex ed class. They took out art and were even considering gym classes!" Haru answered. "And  _some parents_  don't like to talk about it."

"Alright, I guess I'll take just a few more questions," Sora sighed in defeat. He watched as Ienzo slowly put his hand up. "Yeah?"

"How do you know if… it's in?" he asked quietly.

"Let's see... if you don't have much wiggle room, and um...and it's all...wet...warm...um...um…" Sora was at a loss for words. This was one question where experience would have been quite helpful, even though it was obvious.

"It's basically like pooping in reverse!" Marluxia explained. Horrified expressions clouded the faces of all the other students.

"He means vaginal intercourse." Sora pointed out. Ienzo's cheeks turned crimson as he looked away in embarrassment. "It's one of those things you can just feel."

"Sometimes you  _do_  have wiggle room if she's loose enough… or you're just too small." Braig cackled.

"Like yo momma," Ven jeered.

"Who's mom?" Haru asked innocently. Ven didn't respond as Sora glared daggers of wrath at him.

"Moving on," Sora called out.

"That reminds me, I have a question, big bro!"

"Hmm, who's next… yes… uh…" Sora saw the flirty blonde girl from earlier. "Rikku?"

"I like the way you say my name," she purred.

"What is your question?"

"I heard that you shouldn't eat for at least an hour after oral sex. Is that true?"

"I'm not sure where you heard that, but no, that's not true. It is safe to eat before… or after. But I hope you're not doing that…"

"I'd do anything for  _you_." The acidic substance in his throat surfaced once again as Rikku gave him suggestive glances.

 _'Do I… report this?'_ Sora had never gotten such attention from a student and frankly, it was disturbing.

"Sora! Answer me!" Haru pestered, but was ignored once again.

"Yes, Demyx?"

"If you have sex with a pregnant girl and the baby she's carrying is a girl, is it possible to impregnate the baby too?"

"No. The fetus cannot get pregnant."

"SORA!"

"What, Haru?" Sora groaned.

"What's a MILF? Ven mentioned it when he was over the other day."

Ven's cocky demeanor suddenly dissipated. "N-No, I said  _milk_." Many of the boys began to snicker quietly, amused at his awkward situation.

"He referred to mom as a MILF." Haru clarified.

"Is… that so?" Sora twitched.

"I did  _not_!" The sniggering grew louder.

"So I'm going to be milk when I grow up…? Because you mentioned that, too." Haru raised an eyebrow at him.

"The milk that you drink… from the fridge…" Ven tried to explain. "I was thirsty and… I wanted some."

"Oh, sure you were  _thirsty_ ," Braig snorted.

This was the one and only time that Sora would take Ven's side  _for Haru's sake_."He said milk," Sora confirmed, mentally noting to shove the kid in a locker later.

"Okay…" Haru conceded, although she still seemed skeptical. Sora went back to the front. He had had more than enough.

"Okay, questions are done. No more… please. it's obvious that you all have a lot to learn." Sora pulled the projection screen hanging above the board, which came down with a loud zip noise. "Get out your textbooks and turn to page twenty-four."

"Mr. Fair, what if we don't have our textbook yet?" Demyx shouted.

"Then share with someone." Sora turned on the projector and adjusted its beam onto the screen. "Alright, the goals for this class are as follows. One: For you to understand and appreciate your own body and the changes that it will go through. Two, the relationships you will have with those around you, including those that you decide to have intimate relationships with and the impacts they will have, as well as the choices. Three, being able to respect others and their sexual orientations," Sora glanced at Tidus and Wakka, "and most importantly, not being afraid to seek further information so that you can make healthy and informed decisions about your own future."

 _"Boring!"_  one of the guys yelled. Sora just continued.

"First, we have to learn the proper names of the human body." A diagram of a penis showed up on the screen. Several students began to chatter jokingly amongst themselves.

"Why is it so limp?" Demyx asked.

"From now on, we will raise our hands if we have a question," Sora announced. "It's time to get serious."

Haru cocked her head to the side as she squinted her eyes to further examine the image projected on the screen. Sora grew nervous as she opened her mouth to speak.

"Woah, the tip looks like Darth Vader's helmet…"

_'I'm not ready for this...'_

o-o-o-o

The first school day of the semester had finally come to an end, and Sora thought it couldn't have ended any better.

Despite the occurrences of that morning in sex ed class, his two gym classes went perfectly. Attentive, obedient kids who actually showed interest in the things he was telling them and commanding them to do? What a nice change of pace.

But the highlight of his day? Lunch, as always. He fondly recalled Kairi's eyes lighting up as she went on about her plans for spring break later that semester—a trip to Disney Town. He remembered her often dreaming for a chance to experience it.

_'I wish I could go with her. Oh well, as long as she's happy.'_

He smiled to himself as he put away the last of the class paraphernalia into the closet. With all of his tasks complete, it was time to go home and relax.

"Sora!" Haru's voice echoed throughout the gym. It was rare to bump into his little sister at school—Miss Lockheart had previously been her gym teacher, so Sora never really had a reason to see her much until now. Still, he was surprised to see her outside of class.

"Haru," Sora waved as he turned towards her. She seemed out of breath as she clutched the strap of her tote bag tightly to her side with both arms. He grew concerned. "Something wrong?"

She took a moment before she responded. "We missed the bus!"

"'We'?"

"Yeah, Venny is supposed to come over!" she explained. "He got caught up talking to one of his bandmates and then we ended up being late and the bus was already gone and his bandmate had to run so he couldn't take us so then he was all like 'Oh, no! What do we do?" and I was all like 'Oh em gee I dee kay!' and then after like a minute it hit me that you work here and you're totally my awesome big brother so you'd totally give us a ride home!"

"Um…" What disturbed Sora more than the fact that Ventus was coming over, was the fact that his sister had relayed the whole entire anecdote in one breath.

"Venny's waiting right outside!  _Pwease_  can you drive us?" she begged, making sure to use the infallible puppy eyes she was gifted with.

"Alright, alright," Sora conceded. He thought back to the last time he had a sister and her boyfriend in the backseat of the car. "But Ven's sitting up front."

Several minutes later, the trio found themselves sitting in Rhapsody. Although Haru and Ven were sitting separately, Sora still felt uncomfortable with the two there. Ven's sex jokes didn't help.

"Haru," Sora interrupted during Haru's giggling at Ven's  _totally original_  analogy to  _something_  and a lollipop, "you should never have sex."

"Why?" she asked cautiously, raising an eyebrow up at him.

"In class I'm going to tell you a lot of things, but the truth is, if you have sex, you'll get pregnant… and die."

"D-Die?!" Haru gasped.

"Don't listen to him, babe." Ven rolled his eyes as he leaned back into his seat.

"If you keep that up you'll die too," Sora warned almost too nonchalantly. Ven gulped and sat up straight. "There are too many risks involved with sex. You can get chlamydia… and die. You can get syphilis, and die. Just… don't die. Promise?"

"I think you're just afraid of your little sister growing up." Haru chuckled. "Amaya has sex like ten times a day and she's still here!"

"HOW DO YOU—"

"Venny said so!" Haru explained. Sora turned to Ven incredulously, never more thankful that he was stopped at a red light.

"I have my sources," Ven shrugged. Sora didn't know what to make of this; he decided to continue with his little life lesson.

"Riku probably has ten diseases by now, with all the girls he's been with. Amaya is done for."

"Are you dissin' your own best friend?" Ven smirked.

"Yes," Sora confirmed. "After he touched Amaya he crossed a line. Still love him, though."

"I'm gonna tell him!" Ven hastily pulled his phone out of his pocket.

"...no!" Sora couldn't do anything to stop him, as the stoplight had just turned green. He attempted to drive with one hand on the steering wheel, the other swatting at Ven, but it was no use. Ven was able to fend him off with his left hand as he leaned over to his right, cell phone pressed to his ear. Haru chuckled in the back seat as she witnessed the altercation.

It was futile.

"Yo, Riku!" Ven greeted. "Oh, everything is  _gucci_ bro, but...well, dude, Sora says you have like ten STD's."

"I didn't say STD's, I said diseases. Never specified!" Sora clarified loudly. Ven put the phone on speaker.

"What the hell, man? I told you that in confidence," Riku panicked over the line.

"You told me that?!" Sora asked incredulously. ' _I thought I was pulling that shit out of my ass!'_

"Yeah, I've gotten rid of most of them!"

Haru and Ven fell silent and stared ahead, wide-eyed as they tried to comprehend the situation that was unfolding.

"YOU'RE INFECTED?!" Amaya's yelling could be heard in the background. "WE DIDN'T USE A CONDOM LAST TIME!"

"YOU DIDN'T USE A CONDOM?!" Sora asked, horrified, as he accidentally slammed on the acceleration. He was able to regain control just in time before nearly swerving into a truck. Several cars angrily honked in response. Haru and Ven were still astonished by the conversation to react to the fact that Sora had...well, basically nearly killed them.

"She started birth control," Riku reassured. "And I told you, I'm cured!"

"OF MOST!" Amaya's voice suddenly turned quiet. "Although, now that we're confessing secrets, I didn't  _actually_  take the pill."

"Wait, what?!" It was Riku's turn to be caught off-guard. Sora's jaw simply dropped in response.

"I want a baby, and I'm not getting any younger!" Amaya explained, as if it were something Riku was supposed to understand without some prior explanation. "And  _now_  you're telling me you have STD's?! What if it hurts the baby?!"

"Wait, no! I'm not ready to be a parent!"

"Hanging up now…" Ven was slow to announce, as he hit the button on his phone screen. The car was completely quiet for several seconds. Haru broke the silence.

"So...Amaya  _is_ gonna get pregnant and  _die_?" Haru panicked.

Sora was still too dumbfounded to formulate a coherent response. A minute or two went by before Ven's phone beeped.

"Wait, Riku texted me!" Ven said, as he clicked away on his phone screen. Sora pulled into the breakdown lane in order to brace himself for whatever content the message could contain. He began to read: "' _We were just fucking with y'all. I'm totally clean, and Amaya's definitely not getting pregnant. Anyway, Sora probably shouldn't come back anytime soon. It's our two month anniversary, and well… we'll be busy.'"_

"Oh…god…those two..." Sora groaned, as he slammed his head repeatedly against the steering wheel. The horn sounded each time.

o-o-o-o

It took twice as long as it normally would have, but Rhapsody was finally pulled into the Fair driveway, all three passengers still surprisingly somehow intact. Ven was quick to unbuckle his seat belt and get out, slamming the door behind him. He walked around to open Haru's door for her.

"Aww, thank you Venny!" Haru crooned, as she grabbed her bag, hopped out and pecked him on the cheek. Sora was too exhausted to react, as he opened his own door. He made his way to unlock the trunk and retrieved his briefcase. Ven removed his bag.

The three strolled up through the stone walkway toward the entrance of the beige, two-story wooden house—a traditional Island home. A palm tree swayed back and forth in the middle of a well-kept green lawn, surrounded by various flowers, courtesy of their mother, Aerith Fair.

Sora took out the key (his mother made sure he kept it, just in case) and unlocked the door.

"Mom! Daddy! We're hoooome!" Haru announced as she hurried inside. A stoic-looking man with spiky onyx hair and striking blue eyes was seated at the kitchen table, sipping on coffee as he read his newspaper.

"Haru, please don't speak so loudly," he glowered. Haru giggled.

"Daddy, you're always so grumpy!" She ran over to hug him and peck his forehead.

"Hey, Mr. Fair!" Ven saluted.

"Hello," Zack acknowledged. He didn't look particularly thrilled to see Haru's long-time best friend.

"Dad! Haru needs to be homeschooled from now on!" Sora called out as he entered behind the other two.

"Do not!" Haru stuck her tongue out at him. Sora fumbled off his shoes and came over to join his father at the table.

"Why?" Zack raised a brow; his gaze wandered over in Ven's direction.

"Sora is my new sex education teacher!" Haru explained. Zack's eye twitched as he processed the new piece of information.

"What on Earth possessed you to teach Sex Ed?" he asked, turning to Sora.

"The old teacher was fired and they didn't have much time to find a replacement," Sora explained.

"Guess you didn't have much of choice, then?" Zack sighed, shaking his head.

"Nope," Sora conceded.

"So, what is he doing here?" Zack questioned, referring to Ven.

"Ventus and I are doing a project together for science class. Mr. Vexen gave us a take-home experiment, to see how exercise affects heart rate and blood pressure and stuff." Haru kept her eyes glued to the ground as she relayed the assignment to her father.

"All in the name of science, sir," Ven chimed.

"Okay, but stay out here, when I can see you," Zack replied in a warning tone.

"Yes, sir!"

Suddenly, a woman with long, wavy, braided brown hair popped out of the adjacent room. Her big green eyes lit up when she saw Sora sitting there with her husband.

"My baby boy is home!" Aerith exclaimed as she pulled Sora into a bone-crushing hug.

"Gah, mom! I can't breathe!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie! Are you hurt?" She let go of her son as he tried to catch his breath.

"Haru, time to bounce!" Ven announced nervously.

"Okay!" Haru agreed, oblivious to his uncomfortable shift in demeanor. "We'll be right in the living room Daddy!" Zack nodded at the two in acknowledgment as they sauntered to the next room over.

"I'm fine, Mom," Sora reassured, as Aerith began affectionately petting his head. "Anyway, Dad, I'm really worried! I have no idea where these kids get their sources! They don't know anything! They were asking me questions that…I don't know, let's just say… common sense is  _not_  a part of their everyday life!"

"What have I always told you?" Zack asked as he took a sip of his coffee.

"If the boss says do it, shut up and comply," Sora sighed.

"That's right." Zack turned his attention back to the newspaper.

"Sora, sweetie, I have some leftovers from the night before, would you like some?" Aerith asked.

"Later, mom." Sora turned his attention back to his father. "But please, I don't want to put Haru through this."

"I have to take the class, Sora." Haru said as she came back into the room to get a drink of water. "It's required to graduate. No substitutes. No exceptions!"

"If it's required then suck it up and teach. Takes the weight off of my shoulders and you know damn well that your mother won't talk to her about it." Zack pointed to Aerith, who was humming happily to herself as she inspected the contents of the refrigerator. "Complaining won't do you any good."

"I know…"

"Sora, you're staying for dinner," Aerith demanded. "But for now, have a snack." She handed him a banana.

"Alright," he shrugged, and started peeling it. Sora wasn't opposed to free food, especially on his salary. He wasn't planning on going home anytime soon after Riku's warning, anyway.

"Oh, this will be perfect! When Amaya gets home, it'll be dinner with the whole family present again!" Haru chirped as she skipped back towards the living room.

"Wait, Vanitas is still here? Didn't he leave again after New Years?" Sora cocked up an eyebrow.

"He moved out of his apartment." Zack quickly changed the subject before Sora could respond. "By the way, Amaya told me the other day that she was dating that friend of yours, Riku," he beamed. "She said he makes her very happy."

"Uh, yeah. Don't worry, I'm keeping my eye on them." Sora reassured, although he was confused as to why Zack seemed so thrilled about the news. Usually, he did everything in his power to scare guys away from Amaya. Riku was no exception.

When they were thirteen, Riku was caught red-handed raiding Amaya's panty drawer. He wasn't allowed back in the house for three years, and even after that, Zack made sure to attach a tracking device to his clothing when he was over.

Now, his opinion of the silver-haired pervert had apparently changed.

"There's no need to do such a thing." Sora gave him a perplexed look. "He's really cleaned up his act. That boy is so respectful and honest. When he told me he served four years in the military right out of high school, I knew he was a fine choice for my daughter. It's terrible that he's disabled, but he seems pretty well off otherwise with what he does now… remind me what that was, again? I think it had something to do with his father's law firm…"

It took everything in Sora's power to hold in his laughter.. "Um, you know, Riku is… uh…"

"Riku was in the military?" Aerith questioned.

"Yes!" Sora answered a little too quickly. ' _Riku so owes me..._ ' He took a bite of his banana as he tried to come up with some sort of clever story.

"Oh, alright! I didn't know! Riku's such a catch, too! He could give us beautiful grandchildren!"

Sora nearly choked. Aerith must not have heard about the panty raid.

"What's your problem, boy?" Zack watched, bemused, as his son coughed up a storm.

"N-nothing," Sora replied. Aerith was quick to hand him a tall glass of water. He thanked her before gulping it down. "Anyway, they're celebrating their two month mark, so Amaya won't be here tonight."

"As long as my little girl is smiling," Zack reasoned, grin reappearing on his face. Sora felt a headache coming on.

"It's been a long day...I could probably use a nap," Sora announced, using his free hand to massage his temple.

"Vanitas has been staying in your old room." She noticed Sora's confused expression. "I have a bunch of stuff piled in his old room from after he moved out. I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you used it." Sora thought otherwise, but didn't feel like arguing. It still was his room, after all.

"Alright. Wake me up for dinner, please!" Aerith nodded in response. Sora began to stretch as he got out of his chair. He tossed the banana peel into the trash and walked through the living room, where Haru was doing jumping jacks. Ven appeared to be timing her with his cell phone.

"Would you guys quiet down?!" a disgruntled voice sounded from the basement entrance. Sora turned to see a pair of orange eyes gleaming angrily in the darkness from behind where the door was cracked open. "I'm trying to work on a video!"

"Sorry, Vani!" Haru panted. Ven's phone began to beep, cuing her to stop. "That's the last exercise!"

The door slammed shut, and retreating footsteps were audible. Sora turned to a seated Haru with a quizzical look. Ven had his fingers on her wrist, trying to calculate her pulse rate.

"Vani is working on a vlog downstairs." Haru explained between breaths. Ven's eyebrows furrowed as he tried to keep track of the data.

"Vlog?" The word was foreign to Sora.

"Video blog. He's a Youtube star, remember?" Haru said excitedly.

"He's still doing that stuff?" Sora recalled Vanitas rambling on about trying to post videos on the website as a hobby, but never expected him to actually gain notoriety.

"Yup! He said he just started to get money from ads and stuff! He told me he made three thousand this week alone! I don't get why Daddy gives him so much trouble about it!"

"Huh…" Sora began to reconsider his life choices as he trudged up the stairs towards his bedroom.

"Are we all done, Venny?" Haru asked, as she watched him jot down the last of the numbers on the worksheet.

"Yep!" he beamed.

"Yay!" she cheered. "We're awesome!"

"Yeah we are," Ven agreed, eyeing his girlfriend's plump, pink lips. Mindful of Zack's gaze, he raised his hand for a high five, which she energetically reciprocated. "Hey, wanna go mess up your brother's video?" he suggested, as he tucked the completed pages into his backpack.

"Hm... I don't know," Haru replied. "Vani doesn't like it when we do things like that."

"Or maybe we can ask him for some help with my band."

"Oh, right! That would be totally awesome! He could get you guys famous!" She bounced off the couch and led him towards the basement.

"Haru, volume level, please," Zack's irritated voice sounded from the kitchen.

"Sorry Daddy!" she responded with the same amount of energy.

Ven took the lead as he quietly cracked the door open just wide enough for the two of them to slip through. They tip-toed down the steps, careful to not make any noise, and settled about halfway down the staircase. A familiar song sounded. There was a gap between the rail and the ceiling, which the couple took advantage of to peep through and watch Vanitas as he was setting up to record.

_"_ _Mmmbop, ba duba dop, Ba du bop, ba duba dop…"_

"This is like the 30th fucking time recording this, get it right, you big dumbfuck," Vanitas mumbled, then hummed along to the song. "Background music is set…" He adjusted the camera to the right angle and positioned himself in the chair. Before pressing the red record button, he began moving his hands up and down in the air while producing noises akin to the crowing of some tropical bird.

"Mack! Mack! Mack!" Vanitas crooned.

"His warm-ups," Haru whispered to a visibly disturbed Ven.

"That's what he calls it?" Ven whispered back. Haru chuckled softly in response.

"ALRIGHT, LET'S ROCK THIS BITCH!" Vanitas announced, as he hit 'record.' The red light on the camera blinked on. Vanitas took a deep breath before he began.

"Alright, peeps," he started, "I'mma talk to you about an issue that's been in the media lately that is frankly pissing me off: Ebola. This has been around forever and yet now I'm seeing this shit left and right on my news feed, Twitter and TV?! Recently, the media has been portraying this deadly disease as if it has been taking over the fucking world." Vanitas rolled his eyes and continued, "Ask yourself: 'Have I shared utensils with someone who was shitting like they just shoved an enema up their ass? Did you 69 with a stranger that vomited on your dick—or vagina, if you're a girl, I don't discriminate—due to high fever? Did they have sudden, unexplained bleeding that turned your sheets into a homicide scene?! If you answered 'no' to all those questions, YOU DON'T HAVE EBOLA! Everyone needs to just calm their titties!"

Haru and Ven laughed silently to themselves as Vanitas continued his rant. It came to an end about ten minutes later, when he hit the button to stop recording.

"YES, I GOT THAT SHIT DONE MUTHAFUCKAS!" Vanitas declared, as he began fumbling with the programs on his desktop.

"Does he always talk to himself?" Ven asked. He got no response as Haru began to bolt down the stairs.

"Hey, biggest bro!" she shouted. Vanitas let out a startled, high-pitched scream as he doubled backwards and landed on his backside. "Oh, are you okay, Vani?"

"Don't call me that or I'll shave your head when you're sleeping!" Vanitas threatened. He rubbed the tender spot as he got back up. He heard some cackling from the stairs, only to see Ventus. "What's that twerp doing here?"

Ven wiped a tear from his eye and composed himself before responding. "Just hanging out with my beautiful girlfriend." Haru blushed and giggled as he began to make his way down the steps.

"You and cock gobbler are dating? How'd you get that one past Zachary?"

"Well...Daddy doesn't exactly know…"

"How's your channel doing?" Ven changed the subject.

"None of your beeswax," Vanitas scoffed. Ven ignored the irritated man and squeezed by to access the laptop. "Hey, don't touch that, you ignoramus!"

"Whoa! 800,000 subscribers?" Ven's eyes widened. He turned around to look the raven-haired internet celebrity in the eyes. "Right on, man!"

Something about the genuine compliment made suspicion stir within Vanitas. "Alright, what do you want?"

"I really need your help. Our band isn't getting the attention it so clearly deserves. Will you  _please_  put in a good word for us?"

"Hell no." Vanitas shut the boy down.

"Come on, big brother!" Haru begged. Vanitas couldn't resist the power of her large, glassy blue eyes.

"Alright, alright!" he succumbed. "But nothing comes for free. What will you do for me?"

"Uh…" Ven grew nervous.  _Eccentric_  was almost an understatement when it came to Vanitas.

"I've got it. My friend has been begging me to make a furry roleplay video. Dress as one and do whatever I tell you and I'll give you a fifteen second promotion on my next vlog."

"I'm not going to make a fool of myself!" Ven replied, exasperated.

"Suit yourself."

Ven grumbled beneath his breath. "Alright… I'll take one for the team…"

"You could be a cute rabbit!" Haru said comfortingly. "I'll dress as one too, if you want!"

"We're up all night to get  _busy_ ," Vanitas sang to himself. Haru and Ven exchanged awkward looks. " _Anyway_ , what time is it? I'm fuckin' starving!"

"There's like...two hours 'til dinner," Ven calculated as he looked at the digital clock on the computer.

"Grah!"

o-o-o-o

The two hours were especially long for Vanitas, having the two teeny-boppers gawk at each other in the basement as he tried to complete his precious work. He tried everything from strangling to lighting Ven's hair on fire with his match in order to get him to leave (okay, that may have been over-exaggerated—the last thing Vanitas needed was jail time for assaulting a minor), but every attempt was futile.

When dinner finally came, Vanitas was the first at the table. Mac n' cheese and leftovers? If he could live off of mac n' cheese, his life would be perfect. Although, now that he thought about it, he had the means to do so. "Vani's favorite!"

He hated it when his mother called him that.

He scarfed down his food quickly and gracelessly, paying no heed to the lively chatter surrounding him as he let the rich tastes melt on his tongue. Making sure he was the first one to finish his food, he hastily got out of his seat and made his way back towards the basement. He needed to get that video uploaded, after all.

"Make sure you wash your dishes," Zack stated, before Vanitas was able to make it out of the dining room.

"Calm down, Zachary. I'll do it later," Vanitas rolled his eyes, not bothering to turn to face his father.

"It's Zack, but that's  _DAD_  to you," he growled. The room suddenly grew silent as the atmosphere became hostile. All eyes were on the father and eldest son.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Vanitas waved him off. "Anyway, I've got some work to do, so—"

"You call that frivolity  _work_?" Zack spat.

"Honey…" Aerith reached to pat her husband's shoulder in an attempt to calm him down.

"May I please be excused? I'll help him." Sora suggested, trying to cut the tension.

"Yes, you may!" Aerith replied anxiously. Zack turned back around and grumbled as he turned his attention back to his plate. Sora grabbed his brother's dishes as well as his own, and followed him to the kitchen.

"I don't know why the hell Zachary is flipping out," Vanitas scoffed, as he reached for a sponge.

"I don't know why the hell you insist on calling him by that nickname." Vanitas ignored his younger brother as he began to run the tap. "You know dad is old-fashioned. Why don't you just move out if you have the money?"

"I'm in the process of finding the right place. I won't be here for too much longer, but in the meantime that man has really been bugging me."

"No use in complaining about it. Just leave if it bothers you. You're twenty-nine years old. You don't have to stick around," Sora reasoned.

"I don't even know why I talk to you," Vanitas sighed, handing a plate to Sora to dry. "You're just like him."

Sora shrugged as the two completed their chore in silence.

o-o-o-o

Sora had finally arrived back at the apartment. The nap back at his parent's house was refreshing, but nothing beat kicking it back at his place. Especially after dropping the little maggot that dared date his little sister off at his home. That was an awkward car ride, to say the least.

"Note to self: tell Roxas to put a chastity belt on that little shit," Sora mumbled to himself as he unlocked the door. He was  _so_  ready to go relax in the comfort of his bed.

As long as Amaya and Riku weren't... _mating_.

He gulped as he turned the knob to enter into the living room. No sound. So far, so good. The coast was clear.

' _I am parched_ ,' he thought to himself. The smell of permeated throughout the space. ' _Amaya and her candles...'_ He made his way to the kitchen, but stopped when he heard muffled voices from behind the door.

"Damn, that's some good shit," Riku said in a low voice. The sounds of  _slurping_  were audible. Sora cursed under his breath. He heard Amaya giggle as something—clothing, perhaps?—made a ruffling noise. "Should I squirt it inside…?"

Sora gagged.

"No, do it  _on top_ ," Amaya replied, voice equally low and husky. "I want him to be able to  _taste_ it as soon as it touches his mouth."

' _Wait, what?! Who are they—?'_

"Oh, I see...do you like that?" Riku growled.

"No, no...well, I'll show you." Amaya sounded a little frustrated. "Practice makes perfect...you wanna  _squirt it_ … like  _this_."

Sora had heard enough.

"DON'T GET YOUR DIRTY SEED ALL OVER MY KITCHEN!" he yelled as he flung the door open. "I EAT THERE!"

"Whoa, we were just icing the cupcakes, bro," replied a perplexed Riku,  _slurping_  white frosting off his fingers. Amaya beamed as she adjusted a  _ruffling_  icing bag, perfectly positioned to frost one.

"Baking cupcakes should not be filled with sexual innuendos!"

"Get your mind out of the gutter. Sex Ed has clearly corrupted you," she stuck her tongue out at her brother. "I just wanted to make you something nice after your first day! How did it go?!"

"I don't even wanna talk about it…" Sora sighed. "But later, I may need you two to come in and help…"

"I figured as much." Riku strode over to put his arm around him. "Of course my little virgin best friend can't do this all on his own."

"Shush!" Sora exclaimed, as he backed away from him.

"If anything, Sora is learning right along with them!" Amaya giggled. Sora was bemused. "Well, we made some red velvet cupcakes. Have one!" She presented a perfectly frosted treat on the counter for him.

"Thanks," he said graciously, as he reached for it.

"It has a  _special ingredient_." Riku winked. Sora hesitated before grabbing it.

"Our love. What else?" Amaya cocked an eyebrow up at him, noticing his apprehensive state.

"...Please tell me you mean that in the figurative sense."

"What else would I mean?" she scoffed.

"Never mind." Before he took his first bite, he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He pulled it out, only to be shocked when he saw the name of the person on the screen.

"Huh? Why is Kairi calling?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait on this update, but here you go~! Again, we are up to Chapter 7 on FF.net, so if you don't want to wait, check it out there!


	4. Such Wet, So Kool-Aid

Sora froze at the sight of her name.

The only reason Kairi had called him the past two years was for school business, though it was too late at night for that sort of thing. He stood, baffled as he stared at his screen.

"Well, are you going to answer it?" Amaya asked, as she absentmindedly frosted another cupcake.

"Y-yeah…" He clicked the screen to pick up the call, though was slow to raise the phone up to his ear. "...Hello?"

"Oh, Sora?" Kairi's silvery voice sounded.

"Yeah…hey," Sora responded. Riku and Amaya listened intently from the counter.

"Um…well, this is awkward," she chuckled nervously. "I meant to call someone else. Your name is close to that person's and all."

Sora felt some odd combination of relief and sheer disappointment. "Yeah, it's alright. It happens."

"I'm sorry about that. I'll see you at school?"

"Definitely! Goodnight, Kairi." Sora hung up the phone. A sad smile formed on his face.

"Everything okay?" Amaya questioned, concerned as she walked over to give him a comforting pat on the shoulder.

"Yeah, wrong number," Sora shrugged.

"That's harsh," Riku sighed. He quickly perked back up. "You know, I bet she  _meant_  to call you."

"Probably not," Sora doubted.

"Didn't you date for like three years?"

"Yeah, but the last year we dated was mostly long distance. She transferred to the uni in Radiant Garden for her last two years. We couldn't handle it, I guess," Sora sighed.

"Why not?" Amaya inquired. Sora was never too open when it came to his romantic life, even with his own sister and best friend.

"Long story," he waved her off. Before she could protest, he continued: "Anyway, I'm sleepy. I think I'm just gonna head to bed."

"Okay. If you need us, we'll be in the living room. Fully clothed," Riku reassured.

"Good to know," Sora chuckled. "Thanks."

"Anything for you, bro." Riku gave him a thumbs up as he strode off to his room.

Once he made it inside, he shut the door gently behind him and flopped down onto his bed.

' _I know it's been_ four years _since it ended...I should really be over it, but...this still sucks. It's bad enough that we see each other at school.'_

He took out his phone and began to scroll through his saved photos. He found an old picture of the two of them, grinning and holding hands as they sat on the beach, talking to one another. Bittersweet memories flooded his mind as he reminisced about his time with the only ex-girlfriend he had.

Was it really so naïve of him to have believed that it would last forever?

"I wonder if there's still a chance…"

o-o-o-o

Last night was a bit rough, but Sora was able wake up the next morning feeling refreshed.

And he needed every bit of energy he could muster, as day two of the semester had begun.

Sora strolled over to his classroom, hoping and praying that this day would go much more smoothly than the last. He was thankful the kids had study hall instead of class today—that would surely spare him of some of the headaches he experienced the day before.

_Surely._

He made his way down the hallway, and noticed two students talking in front of the door to his classroom.

"Tidus, Yuna," Sora acknowledged.

"Mr. Fair!" Yuna bowed her head in respect, as Tidus simply nodded. He smiled at them as they moved out of the way for him to unlock the door.

"Go on in." He removed his key from the doorknob and held it open for the two. The bell rang as the two headed inside. After he walked over to his desk and began unloading his briefcase, his students steadily streamed in one by one and took their seats.

"Oh my gawd, Mr. Fair, you look so posh today!" Rikku's shrill voice caught his attention.

"Nice to see you, Rikku." Sora replied, not looking up while organizing his papers.

"Hey, I have a related movie suggestion," Rikku started. "It's called  _She's Too Young_  and it's about syphilis. We should watch it."

"If it's not in the library we can't watch it."

"We should watch  _A Serbian Film_ ," Ven interjected, after walking in through the door. "I hear it's an excellent film about issues totally relevant to our demographic."

Rikku pouted as she sat in her chair and began conversing with Yuna, unhappy with the interruption.

"That will  _never_  happen," Sora shut him down. "That film would shatter even Riku's last bit of innocence."

"So you've watched it?" Ven asked cheekily, taking his seat. Sora wasn't even going to honor that question with a response. The answer was 'no,' of course.

Okay, that was a lie. Vanitas made him watch it once. All of it.

It was now a repressed memory.

"The book is  _way_  worse," Braig informed upon taking his seat.

"You know how to read?" Demyx prodded, smirking.

"Demyx, do you know what a grenade is?" Braig asked, annoyed.

"Uh, yeah…an ugly chick on the Jersey Shore, right?"

"This isn't the one you're thinking of," Braig made a fist,"If you don't shut up, I'm going to shove this up your vagina."

"But I don't have a—"

"I'd shut up if I were you," Paine warned. Demyx pouted in response.

"There's a book?" Ven inquired. Before he could get his answer, Haru skipped happily into the classroom.

"Hey Venny!" she greeted, as she took the seat next to him. Ven smiled at her, blushing. "Sora, mom bought you some new underwear!"

"Sometimes, you're just so dense…" Sora shook his head at his little sister, embarrassed.

Ven was too caught up in 'Boner City' to come up with one of his snide remarks.

The second bell rang and all the students had arrived and been accounted for. Sora made his way to the front of the classroom. "Alright, guys," he began, catching their attention, "as you all know, I'm not teaching today 'cause this is Study Hall. Now, that doesn't mean you can fool around—even if you don't have any assignments immediately due, use this time to get ahead."

"Dude, it's only the second day of the semester," Ven groaned. Sora disregarded him and continued.

"You can talk amongst yourselves, but please use your inside voi—" He was interrupted when the door suddenly swung open.

A sunglasses-clad Vice Principal Axel catwalking into the room was the last thing Sora needed to see.

"Yo, Sora!" he greeted. "I'm here to check up on the class." He looked around the room, perturbed by the stunned silence. "Oh, is it test time?"

"This is study hall. Didn't you know?" Sora raised a brow.

"My days mesh together," Axel shrugged. "Monday is Tuesday and Tuesday is Saturday and Saturday is Wednesday and Wednesday is ladies night at the Sunrise Bar next to Aqua's Adult Playpen—yet somehow, I haven't missed any work days."

"No… kidding."

"That's because he's always banging that crazy bitch Nurse Larxene," Ven whispered to himself. Demyx heard him and snickered quietly.

Haru cocked her head slightly, curiously examining the appearance of the flaming red-haired man. "Why are you wearin' sunglasses inside?" she asked.

"Just, don't." Sora dismissed. It was probably for her own good.

Axel clapped to get the class's attention, as if it weren't already on him. "Alright, listen up, everyone. Get your noses out of those nasty books." He took a seat on the edge of Sora's desk, making sure to get comfortable. "How do you like the class?"

"We've only had one class so far," Yuna replied, perplexed. A smile then formed on her face. "But Mr. Fair is a great person and teacher so I know this class will go smoothly!"

"Thank you, Yuna." Sora nodded appreciatively, although his nervousness at Axel's presence was still apparent.

"He's quite the looker too," Rikku winked. "I'd let him give me mouth to mouth if I passed out."

"If you passed out, you wouldn't know if he did or not," Braig snorted. "You dumb bi—"

"Hey! Language!" Sora interrupted. Rikku's eyes became glassy in awe for her savior.

"Oh, ho ho, looks like you have an admirer. Remind me to slip a congratulation card in your cubby." Axel patted Sora on the back. "You were able to get a teenage girl to fall in love with you."

"Don't you have things to do?" Sora scowled. Axel ignored this and began addressing the class.

"Sora knows his stuff. I was surprised when he actually took the job. I was just kidding with him. I actually had a replacement but he bailed at the last second so I guess it all worked out!"

"...what?" Sora's eye twitched as he processed this new bit of information. ' _Is he fucking with me now or…?'_

Axel started to crack up. "Yeah, I was going to let him come into the class the first day while the other teacher was there and make him flip, but it failed; would have been hilarious, though!" He slapped himself on the knee.

"Are you fucking serious?"

"Sora! Language!" Haru whispered. Sora simply shook his head; he couldn't even censor himself at this point.

"Nah, I'm totally kidding. It was you all along, baby," Axel 'reassured.'

Sora mentally noted to shove Axel into Principal Saïx's chokey.

It was real and he knew it.

"It's like I used to say, you can't just marry the first stripper you meet. Gotta feel them out a little. Take 'em to the doctor, get 'em tested, pee on a stick and if needed, find foster parents after the little sucker is born. You sure as hell don't want any responsibility."

"How does that relate to—" Sora was once again interrupted by Axel.

"You pipsqueaks learning what you need to?"

"No," Ven answered quickly.

Axel's gaze was directed to the source of the voice. His eyes blinked rapidly when he noticed the boy had a striking resemblance to a  _certain someone_. "Whoa, are you that guy's brother? Or are you his son?"

"I'm his father," Ven deadpanned. A smirk appeared on Axel's face.

"Well this is an unexpected turn of events." Axel stood up from the desk. "Tell me, kid. You like pranks?"

"...Yes?" Ven was unsure where this was going; he was treading the waters with the Vice Principal, after all.

"Step into my office later," Axel winked, giving him a thumbs up.

"He will not be doing that," Sora shook his head. He wasn't going to allow Ven to be corrupted any further…if that was even possible.

"I'll see you after school," Ven smirked. Sora smacked himself on the forehead.

"Alright, I'm getting side-tracked." Axel turned to Sora. "Hey, when you get to the chapter about STD's, let me know. I have a few stories," he whispered.

"I'm not letting you tell them about your personal life. I didn't even want to hear it," Sora shuddered.

"But my life is amazing!" Axel turned to the class. "So when I was a youngster, way back when Michael Jackson still looked chocolatey delicious and The Breakfast Club was the movie you watched while scooping a bowl of sea-salt ice cream after a breakup, I started a martial arts class with a dude called Master Eraqus just before I hit adolescence."

"Axel, please..." Sora's voice was muffled as he buried his face into one of his palms. "No one wants to know…"

"Wait, Sora. This is relatable to the class, I promise. So, anyway, one day a new student—a chick—entered the class. I don't remember how, but I remember noticing the crease in her cleavage and kids, let me tell you, it was all downhill from there. Suddenly, nipples had more meaning that just titty twisters and I was feeling funny things that should not have been felt. You guys are going to go through these same things." He looked around and examined the female population of the class. "Looks like a lot of you are already pretty developed—"

"AXEL, what the  _hell_?!" Sora protested, but the presumed lunatic merely went on.

"Sora, you have to make sure this kids understand what is happening to them. It's not sexy when you're two teenagers on the brink of puberty making out in the back of your mom's minivan and your voice ends up cracking during mid oral when he's telling her to stop choking all the damn time! The first lesson we teach any  _adult_  porn star is definitely safe positions."

"Whoa, let me in on  _those_  extracurricular activities!" Tidus exclaimed from the back of the room. Sora shot him a glare in response, while Yuna's jaw simply hung loose.

"True story." Axel confirmed.

"What do you mean by 'oral'?" Haru asked innocently. Snickers and stifled laughter could be heard throughout the room.

"Toothpaste, Haru. Toothpaste," Sora hastily explained.

"So she choked on toothpaste?"

"Don't swallow—" Ven was cut off.

"Yes," Sora responded quickly in a hoarse voice, before anyone else in the class was able to speak up. "Remember, dental hygiene is important!"

"But why were they in the back of a mini—"

"Haru, save questions for after class," Sora interjected, before the situation got out of hand and he was forced to corrupt his younger sibling.

"But big bro, you're supposed to teach us!"

"OH, is this your little sister?!" Axel exclaimed in epiphany. The resemblance between the two was certainly uncanny.

"DONT EVEN LOOK AT HER." Sora rushed over to her desk to shield her from Axel's gaze. He turned his head to look him in the eye. "SHE IS NOT DEVELOPED."

"Huh?" The poor girl was at a total loss as to what was going around her. Ven opened his mouth to say something in response, devious glint evident in his blue eyes. Sora noticed this right away.

"I will gag you with a spoon if you utter one word," he warned. Ven contemplated the threat for a moment before deciding to press his lips back shut and shrink into his seat.

"Whoa, man. That's disgusting. I don't like little girls. I can't believe you would think that. Anyway, back to the story." Axel cleared his throat. "I remember posing with E.T. one time and I got my first boner. This was back when T-shirt clips were a thing and my hair looked like it was stolen from a David Bowie video—It also didn't help that I was wearing tight jeans. Most awkward thing ever! E.T. wanted to phone home right away; I nearly poked his eye out. So kids, when these things happen, just know that they are natural and completely okay. We shouldn't make fun of the teen with the little one in his pants, right?"

"I'll stop making fun of you Demyx," Braig announced, though his mouthing of the word "not" certainly contradicted that statement. The class laughed in response.

"Heyyy," Demyx whined.

"Demyx looks a lot like David Bowie!" Yuffie stated. The majority of the class gasped in realization as they all turned and looked at him.

"Who?" Wakka asked, confused. Tidus just shook his head.

"Demyx?" Axel raised a brow, searching for the boy in question. It wasn't too hard when he noticed the rest of the students were turned towards him. "Oh yeah, he does! ROCK ON, MAN!" Axel ran up to him and gave him a high-five. Demyx looked perplexed, but returned the gesture.

Marluxia's desk became the next source of Axel's interest. He sauntered towards it, intrigued by the romance novel situated on top of it.

"My friend wants me to read the Twilight series," Marluxia explained. "It's really not very good. I'm a little worried about today's teenage girl population. He pretty much stalks her. Wherever she goes, he's always watching somewhere! How can you call that romance? That's creepy as hell! I just got to the sex scene in Breaking Dawn—" He stopped talking when Axel picked it up to examine it.

Axel began to read an excerpt from the novel.  _"_ 'I looked across the low ripples, black in the darkness, searching for him. He wasn't hard to find. He stood, his back to me, waist deep in the midnight water, staring up at the oval moon. 'Look at me, Bella, tell me I'm not a monster. _'"_  Sighing, he set the book down. "You know what I don't understand?" he remarked, as he quickly flipped through the pages. "Romance novels and how much they describe the sex scenes. I mean, who thinks that much when they're boning someone?"

"You want to set the scene so that the reader gets aroused!" Rikku exclaimed. "I know, because I write lemons in my spare time. I've written several student/teacher stories. People really dig it! It's on the top list on Wattpad!"

For Sora, 'disturbed' was an understatement.

"'Lemons'? That sounds like the title of a really gross fic," Axel sneered, before turning to make his way towards the door. He addressed Sora on his way out, not bothering to face him. "Hey man, see me later. I've got a gig." The door shut behind him.

"NO," Sora replied, when he knew Axel was out of earshot.

"He seems cool," Ven whistled.

"You don't need that kind of negativity in your life," Sora shook his head. "Seriously, don't get involved with him…"

"I think I'll do it just to spite you." Ven leaned back in his chair, resting his hands behind his head in a content manner. Sora felt somewhat mocked—this was something he himself did often.

"Then I'll be sure that Roxas gives you wet willies when you're least expecting them." Ven's expression turned sour at the threat.

"Venny doesn't like wet things in his ears!" Haru explained, giving Ven a comforting pat on the shoulder.

"I know," Sora smirked.

"Sticking it in the ear is not arousing at all," Demyx cringed.

"That is NOT even what we're talking about..." Sora didn't know what else to say.

The room went silent as all eyes fell on the mullet-haired teen.

"What?" Demyx threw his hands in the air.

o-o-o-o

Time for lunch! Or, in Sora's opinion, the most important meal of the day.

Why?

 _Kairi,_ of course. Why else?

He eagerly entered the brightly-lit teachers' lounge, on the look-out for her as his gaze traveled up and down the long table situated in the center of the spacious room.

She was in mid-conversation with Tifa, the other gym teacher, when Sora set his lunch on the table across from them. Other teachers and staff members sat around, conversing with each other and getting tasks done for their classes.

"So, that parent was upset because the student was talking to you rather than her? What a dud," Tifa said, as Sora pulled out a chair for himself.

"I have concluded that I cannot make everyone happy," Kairi stated. "It's not like I'm a box of nutella!" She and Tifa giggled between themselves. Sora couldn't help but smile, though it wasn't genuine enough to mask the stress his study hall period had managed to give him. Of course, the keen guidance counselor noticed right away.

"Hey, Sora. What's the matter?" Kairi asked. Sora let out a heavy sigh.

"I don't know what to do with these kids," he began. "It's like they don't know the difference between up and down. The questions they ask are outrageous—I would expect elementary kids to ask them! Plus, I can't show diagrams of  _anything_  without someone making an immature comment."

"I'm pretty sure you were the same way at that age," Kairi reasoned. "Kids don't know how to take that stuff seriously right now."

"It's all a joke to them," Sora groaned. "I'm dreading the quiz next week, because if they fail then I feel like I fail as a teacher."

"Aww, you shouldn't feel that way," Kairi comforted.

"Are you even  _qualified_  to teach sex education?" Tifa asked, as she raised an eyebrow at him. "From what I heard, they kinda just threw you into the position."

"According to Axel, I am." Sora shrugged. "I took a few required health classes in college, but to be honest, I never really focused on that stuff. I got done with the class and moved on."

"Sora, this could be good for you. Students come to me with those sort of problems all the time. Maybe you can take a load off of my shoulders," Kairi chuckled. Sora couldn't help but smile in response to her little quip. "In all seriousness, though, I bet you can point them in the right direction. It's a shame what teenagers do with each other these days. They think love means hugs and kisses and whoever makes you blush the hardest."

"What they do is  _really_  not my business…I just have to get through the curriculum." Sora sighed.

"But Sora, it  _is_  your business. You care about Haru and the decisions she makes, don't you?" Kairi questioned.

Sora pondered for a moment before answering. "...Yes, but she's my  _sister_. There's a difference."

"Yeah, an obvious difference," Kairi pointed out. " _But_  you also have a responsibility as a teacher. You think I became a guidance counselor just to pay the bills every month? It's not necessarily a job you get into just to do it. You went through the same four years of college that I did. When you're in the gym, don't you push your students to do their absolute best?"

"Of course I do."

"Then why not have that same faith in your new class? It doesn't matter whether you're a P.E. teacher, math teacher or even the principal. Your job is to make sure those students walk out of that class even better than they were before." Kairi smiled warmly at him.

"Yeah, I know you're right, but it's just a matter of  _how_. I don't know what goes through their minds. I'm usually just doing my own thing. I don't pay attention to that stuff," Sora responded.

"One thing I've always liked about you, Sora, is that you have a strong personality and generally an optimistic outlook." The heat rushed to Sora's face from the unexpected compliment. "I know you want to see your students succeed and that you take pride from that. Even though you're stubborn, you have a good heart. That'll take your further than you realize," Kairi encouraged, as she got up. "Alright, gotta go! I'll see you guys later!"

"Kairi?" She stopped in her tracks to look back at him.

"Yes?" she asked.

"Thanks," he grinned.

"Just doin' my job," she winked. She continued on her way.

"Pep talks with the guidance counselor! Never boring!" Tifa chuckled.

"Yeah, she's pretty amazing…" Sora drifted off without realizing what he said. Tifa smiled, taking a bite of her sandwich.

' _I wonder if he knows that she's with someone else…'_

She wasn't going to be the one to tell him, though.

o-o-o-o

Sora was happy the school day had finally come to an end. Not that the day was bad for him, by any means—everything was smooth sailing during lunch, and after. Was this a routine he could grow accustomed to? He certainly hoped so.

The real reason the end of the day brought Sora relief was because of the text message he had receive about an hour prior from Riku. " _Yo, come to the bar after school. We be chillaxin'."_

"Chillaxin'" with friends was Sora's favorite way to kick back.

He quickly walked through the halls of the school to get to Rhapsody and make his way over to 7th Heaven. ' _Hopefully, this doesn't end up as crazy as New Years'...'_

Muffled grunting coming from behind the slightly cracked door of the janitor's closet halted Sora in his path. He wasn't sure what to make of it; though he was strongly inclined to move along, he'd feel terrible if he walked away from someone who was in a potentially dangerous situation.

Suddenly, a soft, feminine voice rang out.

"T-Tidus, I-"

"Come on, Yuna. You love me, right?" the boy's gruff, pleading voice sounded.

"I do, b-but…"

"Then let's do this," he whispered.

Sora heard a sudden gasp and quick shift in movement, sounds of sloppy kisses audible. As much as he hated meddling in his students' personal lives, he couldn't let them fool around like this, especially on school property. He reached for the doorknob and swung the door open into the musty space. Amongst the mops and various cleaning supplies, Tidus had Yuna backed up against a wall as he kissed her passionately, his hands sliding up the back of her shirt while she squirmed.

Yuna's eyes fluttered open as she sensed the disturbance, although Tidus was too enamored in the heated display of affection to notice.

"Hey," Sora called out.

Tidus was quick to back away once he heard his teacher's voice. He turned to the man, frustration evident on his face. "Dude, can't you see we're busy here?"

"Get out of this closet right now." Sora crossed his arms and gave the two a stern look.

Yuna bowed her head in embarrassment and quickly scurried out back into the hallway. Tidus strolled out right behind her, making sure his glare didn't waver as he walked past his teacher. Sora watched him catch up with her, as the two made their way to the front exit to leave.

"Kids these days…" Sora shook his head.

o-o-o-o-o

It didn't take long for Sora to drive Rhapsody over to the bar. It was well ahead of rush-hour, so traffic was light. Coupled with the almost perpetually clear skies and sea breeze, the journey was quite a pleasurable one.

He pulled into 7th Heaven's parking lot, excited to see his friends once again. Shutting the door behind him after he got out, he pulled out his keys to lock the door and made his way over to the entrance of the bar.

"Hey Lexaeus," Sora greeted the stoic, large man perched outside of the door. Lexaeus grunted in response as he let Sora inside.

"Sora!" Roxas, who was sitting at the bar, called out when he noticed him making his way over. Xion looked up from cleaning some of the glassware and waved, beaming.

"Hey guys," Sora greeted, as he plopped onto the seat next to Roxas. He noticed he was writing in some sort of textbook.

"Class starts back up next week," Roxas explained.

"Ah, damn, you're gonna be busy as hell again, aren't you?" Sora asked.

"Third year isn't as bad as the first two were, at least," Roxas sighed. "In fact, it's a lot more interesting, since we're all hands-on now and stuff! And everything's pass-fail from now on, so it's a  _little_  less pressure…"

"Face it, Roxas, you're gonna be a walking zombie for the next few months," Xion stuck her tongue out at him. "Besides, who studies at a bar?"

"It'll all be worth it when I'm richer than you guys," Roxas waved her off. "Plus, I want to keep my sanity during med school. It's always hectic, so I need you guys around every once in a while."

"Have you decided what you're gonna specialize in yet?" Sora inquired.

"Nah, but I gotta figure it out soon—"

"SORA!" a loud, excited voice rang out. Sora turned to see none other than Riku, emerging from the restroom. "You didn't tell me you got here!" He swung his phone in the air.

"I just got here like two minutes ago, you didn't miss much," Sora explained.

"Nonsense! Those are two minutes I can never, ever spend with you again!" He put an arm around him as he sat down next to him.

"Uh-huh...So Amaya's not here?" Sora raised a brow.

"Nah, man, some little shit had to stay late 'cause his parents couldn't pick him up on time or something, so she has to work a little later…" Riku sighed. "Apparently you can't leave until the last child is gone," he shrugged. "What kind of stupid rule is that?" Sora just stared, bewildered, at his best friend.

"She said she'd be here eventually, though," Roxas chimed in.

"True that!" Riku lightened up. "Anyway, what were y'all talking about just now? And Xion, hit me."

"You got it," she replied, as she passed him a beer. He took it eagerly.

"I was just tellin' Sora that I have to start thinking about what I'm gonna specialize in for when I actually  _do_  become a doctor," Roxas explained. "We're still doing rotations in all the departments, so I've got some time, but it's probably good if I have some sort of idea."

"Xion, can I get one, too?" Sora requested. She nodded and slid a beer over to him as well, which he received graciously. He turned his attention back to Roxas. "So, what were you thinking?"

"I really don't know," Roxas responded, turning the page of his book. "Internal Medicine's pretty great, but the pay's not necessarily the best...not that it's bad, either, but I guess I should keep my options open…"

"As long as you're satisfied with what you're doing," Sora nodded.

"Yeah. Maybe I should go for gynecology," Roxas chuckled.

"Try getting that one past Nams," Sora snorted.

"If I put on a doctor's coat and went into the gynecology office people would believe I was one because, let's face it, I know women and well, I'm hot," Riku interjected.

"Remind me again what your girlfriend sees in you?" Xion asked, unamused.

"I ask myself the same thing every day," Sora agreed. Riku just smiled.

"Anyway, how's the job goin' for you, Sora? Ven told me he had you," Roxas snickered.

"Speaking of that child, you better put a chastity belt on that little smartass while he's dating Haru," Sora deadpanned.

"Whoa, bro, calm your tits," Roxas chuckled. "Ven's all talk, man. I assure you, I've trained him well. He's like the best thing that could have ever happened to your little sister."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Sora asked incredulously.

"Hey, you think I'd still be with Naminé—the girl of my  _dreams_ , mind you—if I weren't the most respectful guy ever?" Roxas retorted. "I set the perfect example for my little brother!" Sora took a moment to ponder this fact over.

"...I'm still watching him," Sora concluded, taking a sip of his beer.

"Hey, he behaved when he was over at your house last night, didn't he?" Roxas prodded.

"True, but that's because my dad can turn into one of the scariest men alive," Sora shrugged. "Especially if you're dating one of my sisters. I don't think he knows about Ven, yet, although...Riku…" He turned to his roommate, eyebrow raised. "The _military? Really?_ "

"Hey, he hated me back in high school. Had to turn the tables around in my favor somehow," Riku shrugged.

"Don't you have your MBA?" Roxas asked.

"Oh, right, I almost forgot you were in business!" Sora chimed. "You were acting so sketchy the other day about it, too...You took that project manager position you were offered a few months ago, didn't you?"

"...Uh-huh. Totally did." Riku nonchalantly took a swig of his beer.

"Why would you have to lie about  _that_ to Mr. Fair?" Xion asked. "That's a pretty venerable occupation."

"I figured he'd have more respect for a military man, since he was one himself," Riku explained coolly. "And hey, it worked."

"Well, in his book, it's more respectable than getting  _tons_  of money doing videos online for entertainment," Sora shrugged.

"Wait, are you talking about Vanitas?" Roxas asked. Sora nodded his head in response. " _Dude_ , his videos are hilarious though! And he makes money off that stuff, too? That's pretty awesome."

"Super awesome," Riku agreed, as he took another sip. Sora was about to respond, when he noticed Xion cringing.

"Everything alright, Xion?" Sora questioned.

"Oh, yeah," she assured. "It's just...remember when I dated Vanitas a couple of years ago?"

"Hm...yeah, that was back when I was in college, right?" Xion nodded. "I wasn't around too much for it, but...you guys didn't last long, huh?"

"Only like two months," she chuckled. "I only agreed to go out with him 'cause I always kinda had a thing for him—I don't know, the bad boy image got to me!" she defended, when she got puzzled looks from the rest of the guys.

"So, what ended up happening?" Roxas asked curiously.

"Well, as we all know, Vanitas can be...kind of an asshole…"

"Tell us something we don't know," Riku groaned. "The other day he texted me saying he would wring my testicles out to dry and then feed them to pigeons in the park if I didn't leave Amaya alone."

"Sounds like something he'd say," Sora nodded casually. He turned his attention back to Xion.

"Though, the  _real_  thing that made me end it...well, you guys know that he loves his internet memes, right?"

"Ugh, don't even remind me. The amount of times that guy rickrolled me when I thought he was trying to give me med school links for advice…" Roxas rolled his eyes. "Don't even bother scrolling down his Tumblr…"

"Huh, that's perfect!" Riku interrupted. All eyes were on him. "You guys will see later," he waved them off.

"Well, I mean, it's cool that he likes them. Everyone has a hobby or a vice or whatever, but," Xion cringed once more. Sora began to take a sip of his beer. "He even used them when we were getting intimate."

Sora coughed and sprayed his drink all over the bar. Xion mopped it up instantly with her handy towel.

"Wait, how the hell did he…?" Roxas didn't quite know how to phrase the question.

"There was one stupid one with the dog, remember? 'Doge' or something? Yeah, whenever we were doing it, he'd start shouting things like 'so sex, much wow' and stuff. Anything  _but_  a turn-on, if you ask me." She began mocking him. "'Such wet, much impress.'"

"That's hilarious." Sora guffawed.

"Sounds like your brother needs a lesson in dirty-talking, Sora," Riku snickered.

"According to Amaya, so do you," Sora smirked.

" _Oh_ , apply alcohol to the burned area!" Xion shouted.

"You know,  _you_  had your chance with me back in high school," Riku smirked. Xion pretended to gag as she began organizing the liquor.

"I don't date younger men," she retorted.

"Aw, come on, what was one year?" Riku asked, genuinely interested.

"Now? Not too much, but the idea still makes me feel gross. But back then? In high school, one year is a five year difference when it comes to maturity. And between girls and guys? That disparity is even wider." Riku was at a loss as to how to respond.

"...Didn't she knee you in the balls for trying to grab her butt that one time?" Roxas reminisced.

"No, I kneed him for trying to grab  _Amaya's_  ass," Xion explained. Sora turned to give Riku and incredulous look.

"That was one painful day," Riku winced.

"You definitely deserved it," Sora scoffed. Roxas and Xion nodded their heads in agreement.

"Ah, yeah, it was back when her and I were on the cheerleading squad, good times…" Xion recalled. "Didn't think I'd have to keep my eye out for creepy blitzball players during practice though." She eyed Riku.

"Girl I had a crush on in an unbelievably short skirt? My adolescent hormones went wild! I could have done  _way_  worse," Riku defended. Xion whacked him upside the head.

"Thank you," Sora said graciously.

"Hey, I'm a changed man!" Riku slammed a fist on the table.

"Anyway, I told everyone you tried to grab  _my_  ass because...let's face it, if Amaya knew, she would have ripped your nuts clean off," Xion reasoned. The guys all crossed their legs in response. "You still deserved that knee, but, in a way, I did you a favor."

"Alright, you got me there, and I certainly don't need another person threatening my ballsack," Riku conceded. "But hey, now I can grab dat ass whenever I want, so really, you may have won the war, but I won the battle!" He winked. Sora suppressed his urge to correct his statement.

"You know you're breaking the bro code by being with Amaya, right?"

"I liked her before Sora and I became bros, so it doesn't count!" Riku yelled so everyone could hear. Heads from the surrounding booths turned to the source of all the ruckus. When they realized who it was coming from, they shrugged it off.

Riku had a reputation for being a bit of a shouter.

"...No you didn't," Sora corrected. "You liked Naminé." Roxas looked up.

"Excuse me?" Roxas was quick to ask.

"Hey, she's a cutie, I'll admit," Riku shrugged. "She's not exactly  _my type_  though."

"More like you're not  _her_  type, you'll fuck anything with holes," Roxas grumbled, as he turned a page. "You know, I have a few electrical sockets that need tending to."

"I have a few copies of Catcher in the Rye with your name on them," Riku eyed him.

"Touché," Roxas conceded.

"Why do you have a few copies?" Xion asked. Riku just shrugged it off.

"And then you liked that other girl," Sora continued, "and then the other one, and the other one…oh, and that one you claimed to  _settle_  for but really she looked like a two-headed gremlin and you just wanted to have a girlfriend so you didn't feel so lonely inside. Do I need to set you up with a shrink?"

"Oh, you should set up an appointment with Kairi!" Roxas added. "That's what she's trying to get into, right?" Sora nodded, trying to hold back laughter.

"YOU  _AIN'T_  HELPING, BRO!" Riku retorted. "And you really need to stop with the correcting everything!" Riku gulped down the last of his beer. Suddenly, his phone began to vibrate. "A text?...Really, you smartass, really? ' _aren't*_ '?" Sora chuckled to himself, as Roxas gave him a high-five.

"ANYWAY," Riku cleared his throat, "yeah I told you I liked all those girls, and didn't tell you I liked Amaya 'til you caught me jerking off to her Facebook junior year of high school—it was the picture of when your family went to that cabin out on the lake and she was wearing a bikini  _and_  licking an ice cream cone! I just couldn't contain myself!"

Everyone stared at him, slackjawed.

"I was in that picture, too. As well as my mom, a six-year-old Haru,  _and_  my dad," Sora deadpanned.

"I realized that that was creepy, so when I used it later on, I made some changes. It's called ' _Save Picture As_  and cropping'. Then running the background through pretty designs on Paint with the paint bucket." Riku shot back, not amused.

"Bet he photoshopped a few pictures too," Roxas added with another disturbed laugh.

"But really, what does she see in him?" Xion whispered to Roxas, who just shook his head.

"Like I said, I'm a changed man," Riku answered, not catching Xion scoff in disbelief at his response. He cleared his throat before continuing. "The truth is, though, I had a crush on her since middle school."

"Oh, God…" Sora buried his face in his hands.

"I remember the day it happened, too. We were in Spanish class, 7th grade, and she wore this really tight shirt that showed off her figure. I noticed something... _different_ , about her. You know what it was? Boobs. Really big boobs." He cupped his hands over his pecs for emphasis.

"Those don't grow overnight," Sora coughed, trying to mask how unsettled he was at the thought.

"My balls did," Riku stated.

"Don't you mean 'dropped'?" Roxas raised a brow, unimpressed by Riku's knowledge, or lack thereof, regarding the human body.

"They fell for her that day," Riku huffed. "And her boobs definitely continued to get bett—"

"Riku, you're just.."

"It was an experience I will never forget," Riku said passionately, "I didn't want to tell you then because, well, although I clearly knew you couldn't kick my ass, you still excelled during science class. I was afraid you would poison me with some chemicals and shit."

"I probably would have just added a dash of cyanide to your Kool-Aid. Nothing  _too_  harmful…" Sora took a sip from his bottle.

"Pretty sure that would kill him…" Roxas pondered.

"Kool-aid is my all time favorite and you  _know it_!" Riku exclaimed, shocked. "I have a Kool-Aid man tattoo on my right buttox!"

"And how many times has a girl walked out on you because of that?" Roxas asked, admittedly genuinely curious.

"Dude, it was just an exaggeration," Riku scoffed.

"No, it's not," Sora was quick to counter.

"...Okay, then…" Roxas pretended to go back to reading.

"Yeah, he mooned me like five times that day. He would put on just an apron and walk around with the tattoo exposed, yelling extremities such as 'OOOH YEAH _'_  and 'All I want for my birthday is a big booty hoe! _'_  It was not pretty to look at no matter how fit Riku was."

"I was joking, dammit!" Riku clenched his jaw. He stood on top of his barstool, somehow able to balance himself. "PSA: I don't have a Kool-Aid man tattoo on my ass!" he announced to the bar. People gave him blank stares before turning back to their own business.

"Prove it," Xion smirked.

"Sorry, Xion, I'm a taken man. That ship has sailed into fine territory, never to return. I've taken the Mayflower into manhood." Xion raised her eyebrow. "If you  _really_  want to see it for yourself, though, Amaya and I are looking for someone to—"

"Don't even. I've already turned her down about the threesome thing," Xion explained.

"Thank you, Xion. You really dodged a bullet with that one. Sometimes I worry about Amaya and her life choices," Sora chimed.

"You're evil." A mischievous smirk clouded Riku's face. "You know, I think you secretly enjoy listening to your sister and I at night."

"...what the hell?" Sora asked, horrified.

"Yeah, I don't ever hear music or anything anymore coming from your room. It's a  _little weird_ … you know we like being loud, yet you put up with that?"

"It's called using headph—"

"He totally enjoys it," Riku said to Roxas.

Although Roxas a was bit uncomfortable, he simply went along and nodded so he wouldn't be picked on.

The door at the entrance suddenly whipped over, catching the group's attention. They looked to see none other than Amaya trudging into the bar.

"Hey girl!" Xion greeted excitedly. Amaya waved her hand lazily, eyes heavy as she made her way over and plopped herself into Riku's lap. She rested her head in her arms atop the bar counter.

"Long day, huh, babe?" Riku asked, wrapping his arms around her waist. Her thick mane of hair moved up and down, signifying a nod.

"Kid's the devil's spawn," she mumbled, raising her head. "Hey, Xion, just some water will do, please!" Xion slid a glass over to her right away. "Thank you!" She quickly gulped it down.

"No problem, so—" Xion was cut off.

A familiar well-dressed man with slicked back blonde hair and a scar across his face was trying to get Xion's attention in a very rude manner. He was sitting with an uninterested-looking woman with short silver hair, who was caught up in her phone.

"Yo, get me a Jaeger bomb. Pronto." he snapped his fingers twice. "Fuu, what do you want, babe?"

"Scotch," she replied, monotone.

"One of those, too! Hurry it up!"

Xion rolled her eyes as she began concocting the beverages, though Amaya wasn't having it.

"Xion, don't give him anything until he asks more politely. That's what I do with the kids at work," she crossed her arms.

"And who do you think you are, bitch?" The man scoffed.

"Your worst nightmare." Amaya glared him down.

"Oh, snap…" Sora and the others turned their attention toward the potential altercation.

"Babe…" Riku tried rubbing her back to calm her down. The rest of the gang grew nervous, making sure not to do anything to add fuel to the fire.

When Amaya was angry...things got a little  _scary_ , to say the least.

"Whatever. Where is my drink?!"

"You mean this?" Xion brought the rim of the cup to her mouth and brushed it with her lips as she smirked, "Oops, my b."

"What the fuck?" Seifer asked, infuriated.

"Rich boy don't got  _no_  manners," Amaya shook her head in disgust.

"Alright, that's it. You wanna go?" Seifer stood up from his booth.

"Oh, I am  _ready_ , bitch. Ladies first," Amaya thwarted, turning her body towards him. She suddenly felt a  _certain something_  grow stiff and poke at her backside. "Babe, put that away, now's not a good time."

"There's something about when she gets feisty, man…" Riku said wistfully. Seifer stared at him, visibly unsettled.

"Interesting," Fuu mouthed.

"Wait...Didn't Amaya give you that scar?" Roxas asked him. They all inspected him more closely.

"I thought he looked familiar!" Sora exclaimed in epiphany. Seifer gulped as the memories came back.

It took Amaya a moment to recognize him. "Oh, yeah, that's that kid I beat up in high school for ragging on Roxas! Seifer, right?" Seifer grimaced, at a loss as to what to say.

"You could have left that detail out…" Roxas sighed and went back to studying.

"And if you don't step down right now I'll be adding another scar on top of that one. Maybe  _several_ more," Amaya threatened.

"You'll look like Principal Saix when she's done with you," Sora jeered.

"Lets get out of this dump, baby." Seifer grabbed Fuu by the wrist and yanked her out of the booth to lead her through to the exit.

"Agreed," she followed him out.

"I'll tell Lexaeus to keep an eye out for him," Xion noted. Riku and Amaya nodded in agreement.

"What a dick. I feel sorry for that girl," Sora said to Roxas.

"Yeah, total dick," Roxas nodded in agreement.

"Two servings of dick coming right up!" Seemingly out of nowhere, Axel got in between them and threw his arms around the two.

"Where the fuck did you come from?" Roxas spazzed. His heart had never raced so fast in his life.

"It doesn't matter where I came from, all that matters is that I'm here with you now," Axel winked. He began to pet Roxas' head affectionately, agitating him. Roxas slammed his book shut and walked towards the 'Employees Only' door.

"What, was it something I said?" Axel whined.

"I think it's the way you smell. How much Axe did you spray?" Sora coughed.

"Old Spice. First you look to him, then you look back to me. Then you look back to him and back at me. He doesn't smell like me, but he can smell like me. Close your eyes and you'll see. Bet you didn't notice that I just snapped a picture of you, did you?" Axel showed Sora the picture on his cell phone. "You see, Sora, when you smell like Old Spice, anything could happen. Take it from me and you'll be swimming in the sea with your bride to be named Kairi. It's better down where it's wetter, after all!"

Sora's jaw dropped. ' _How does he…?'_

"I know everything! AND NOW I'M ON A HORSE, MOTHAFUCKAS!" Axel announced, pretending to gallop on his barstool.

"Don't you EVA FO'GET!" Riku added.

"That's the boat song," Amaya corrected.

"That's really starting to get old," Riku grumbled.

"Without us, you would have never graduated, Riku." Sora added.

"And now I make more money than the two of you combined every year."

Riku liked having the last word, but Amaya liked it a little more.

"We should get going and take care of that little problem you have in your pants." She stood up and grabbed him by the hand.

"Yes ma'am," Riku followed her out eagerly.

o-o-o-o

It had been several hours since they had gotten back to the apartment.

Riku's bed squeaked loudly as the two lovers fervently  _went at it,_ moaning and groaning loudly as they satiated their carnal desires for one another.

He rolled off of her after the deed was done. They both lay on their backs under the covers, beaming and basking in afterglow as they tried to catch their breath.

"Oh, yeahhhh," Riku bellowed in a loud, low voice, in imitation of his favorite drink mascot. He turned to Amaya, a sly smirk evident on his face. He loved making her laugh.

The incredulous look on her face, however, was contrary to what he expected.

"Riku," she panted, eyebrow raised, "I love you, but sometimes…"

"DID YOU SEE THE TATTOO ON HIS ASS?!" Sora's voice echoed from the living room, over the sounds of the late night talk-show he was apparently entertaining himself with.

"I wonder what time he got back...but, yeah, I keep forgetting to ask you about that," she giggled as she rested her head on Riku's chest.

"You said it was a turn-on!" he explained. She sat up and gave him a strange look, covering herself with the blanket.

"Babe, that was a  _joke_  I made, like, five years ago. I was not serious," she clarified. Riku's eyes widened in response. Getting the tattoo was anything but painless. "I didn't want to be rude or anything whenever I'd see it; I pretended not to notice but when we do 69 or you're leaning over for me to whip you it's like I want to make your ass as red as the tattoo itself."

"Wait, that's why you hit me so hard?!"

"Well, I needed  _some_  sort of trigger, right? I guess, in a way it's a turn on because I want to whip you so hard that it blends in...and I like doing that." Riku was stunned. "After what happened at the bar today, it actually made me feel a lot better and it's not like you were complainin'." She lay back down and rolled herself on top of him.

A grin spread across his lips as he cradled her in his arms.

So the tattoo was totally worth it in the end.

"Oh, yeahhhh," Riku imitated once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BlissfulNightRain: These chapters just keep getting longer and longer! We hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as we love writing this stuff! Let us know what you thought of everything in a comment.
> 
> What's your favorite kool-aid flavor? (We're fans of cherry, personally.)
> 
> SoraxKairi7: Hey, everyone! Surprised this story actually has a plot? Ha! Just some overview questions to think about: What's up with Tidus and Yuna? Will Sora ever take Axel up on his gig? Has he grown immune to RiMaya? (Riku/Amaya if you haven't caught on), and what will happen when Sora finds out that Seifer is actually the one Kairi is dating?
> 
> (Those that leave the Doge meme somewhere in their comments get cookies)


	5. Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

For the last time that week, the 11a.m. bell rang, signaling it was time for class to begin. Sora leaned back against his desk as he looked up and down the room to take attendance; he noticed a couple of people were missing. As he checked off the names of those that were present, the students chatted amongst themselves.

Suddenly, the faint sound of the door swinging open rung through the classroom. Sora peered over to see none other than Demyx walking in.

"Yo," Demyx waved nonchalantly.

"So nice of you to join us. You're a little late. Why is that?" Sora asked.

"Because it's Friday, Friday and I always get down on Friday," Demyx chanted before beginning to hum.

"Sit down," Sora sighed and grimaced as memories came flowing back to him once more.

Vanitas made him record a cover of that song with him once.

It wasn't pretty.

Luckily, he was able to wear an Iron Man mask.

"Keep that up and you're out of the band," Ven followed in behind him, disgusted.

"Whatever. It's not like we've gotten any gigs lately," Demyx shrugged. Ven opened his mouth to respond, but felt something shove into his back.

He turned to see that it was a some _one_.

"Oh, sorry. Didn't see ya there, shorty," Wakka smirked as he trotted to his seat. Ven grumbled and made his way to his own desk.

Sora glanced in Ven's direction, noticing the sour expression on the boy's face, but didn't think much of it. He jotted down 't' for 'tardy' next to their names, and finished taking roll. He noticed Haru still hadn't arrived; he decided to wait a couple more minutes while the class continued to talk amongst themselves.

"Hey, girly," Yuna greeted the blonde sitting in the desk in front of her. She noticed she was occupied with something. "What are you writing?" She leaned over to find Rikku scribbling an unfamiliar name, surrounded by doodles of hearts and rainbows. "Who is 'absabsabs69'?"

"Only the most perfect and beautiful man in existence," Rikku swooned. "Next to Mr. Fair, of course," she winked. "He sits on webcam and flexes."

"So you stare at some man's chest for $3.99 a minute?" Braig interrupted, overhearing their conversation.

"My mom does," Rikku clarified. "And there's  _way_  more than his chest." She paused. "...How do you know how much it cost?"

Braig didn't reply.

"Ohh, who is this now?" Marluxia's interest increased. Rikku just grinned.

"He only shows bulges, though," Paine added.

"If his bulge was a nuke it could blow up a whole country," Rikku contemplated aloud.

"That's highly unlikely…" Sora cringed, disgusted by his students' apparent out-of-school shenanigans.

It wasn't like it was any of his business, though.

"My sister-in-law hates that guy," Ven stated. "Says what he does is shameful and evil." There was a brief pause as he seemed to ponder. "I totally aspire to be like him."

"They're not married, you know," Sora pointed out. "Roxas and Naminé, I mean."

"They might as well be! They've been together for like 200 years!" He leaned forward to address Sora more discreetly, keeping his voice lowered. "You  _do know_  they haven't had sex yet, right?"

"And you have?" Sora raised an eyebrow.

"Well, let's just say I know my way around a V," Ven smirked.

"If you know so much, please demonstrate to the class," Sora retorted, mirroring his student's cheeky attitude.

"Wha…?"

"Move."

"B-But," Ven stuttered, as Sora tugged at his scrawny arms to pull him out of his seat. "This isn't show and tell!"

"It just became show and tell. I'm the teacher and what I say goes."

Sora knew he was being a douche.

"Ohh," Rikku purred. "Mr. Fair knows how to be firm. I like that." Sora ignored her, as he successfully shoved Ven into the front of the class.

"I can't…" Ven admitted; his cheeks reddening.

"That's what I thought," Sora smirked. Stifled chuckles could be heard throughout the room.

"I can!" Demyx raised his hand. "Going around a V is simple. You just—"

"Put your hand down before you hurt yourself," Braig interrupted. "Let me tell you."

Sora would have stopped him but he was kind of intrigued.

Kind of.

"In order to make the most pleasurable experience, you have to use what I like to call  _The Corkscrew_. Put your middle finger over your index and then weave it in there. Pretty soon you'll be so good you'll be able to drill through wood. Just be careful not to flood the cave if you forget to use some rubber. As an extra bonus, you can place your lips on her clit and make a motorboat sound. She'll love you forever!"

"I've gotta try that!" Tidus said excitedly. Yuna became stiff in response. "Ever heard of Charizarding?" Tidus asked immediately after, causing Braig to snort. Everyone gave him confused looks. "It's when you light her pubes on fire and then put it out with your jizz." Yuna gasped.

" _You don't have enough badges to train me!_ " Braig and Tidus couldn't contain their laughter.

Sora's jaw dropped, along with those of most of the other students in the class.

After a moment of awkward silence, he recomposed himself, brushed it off, and went back to the original plan—teaching.

He couldn't believe he let that unfold.

"Okay...enough dallying. Time to start class." He scanned over the attendance sheet one last time, only to notice that a certain person  _still_  hadn't arrived. "Where is Haru?" He turned to Ven accusingly. "Did you do something to her?"

"No! That's why I was late. I took her to the nurse's office. She was having stomach pains during science class," he explained.

"Oh… I see," Sora's face fell, but he was quick to perk back up. He didn't have time to dwell, with a class to teach and all. He marked an 'a' next to his little sister's name, before setting it aside and turning to address that class. "Alright, everyone. Listen up. The first quiz will be next Friday over chapters 1 and 2—Anatomy and Puberty. It's on your syllabi."

"How many questions?" Yuffie asked.

"Around fifteen or so."

"Is it an open book test?" Ven inquired.

"No."

"Worth a shot," Ven shrugged.

"Can we use our notes?" Demyx questioned.

" _No_."

"Can I cheat?" Braig smirked.

"Go ahead and see what happens."

"Okay!"

Sora shook his head. "Now then, we're going to start chapter two. Get out your books." Sora reclined on his desk and slid his glasses on.

"I'mma need you to put your glasses on more slowly next time," Rikku winked. Sora rolled his eyes as he crossed his arms. He focused on the lesson; he was getting a lot better at ignoring the fifteen year old girl's advances.

"Chapter two is about puberty. I'm sure most of you have already started this, but it's completely normal to be a late developer. Puberty means obtaining reproductive maturity. The typical ages are anywhere from ten years old to seventeen." Sora made his way over to the board to pull down the projection screen. "Today we will cover puberty in males and what they go through during this time. Females are a bit more complicated in this regard—"

"A bit more complicated in  _every_  regard," Tidus muttered to himself; his eyes darted over towards his girlfriend, who was fervently paying attention to their teacher.

"We just don't want to be misunderstood," Yuffie, seated next to him, retorted.

"—will be discussed next class." The light from the projector beamed as Sora pulled up his slideshow from the class computer.

"Yeah, girls are so freaking complicated," Braig interjected.

"I'll say!" Demyx threw his hands in the air.

"You can always try a new slice of pie," Marluxia suggested with shifty eyes and a mischievous smirk. "Sometimes you get tired of the same old apple and pumpkin pies, but then you think,  _damn,_  that chocolate pie looks absolutely scrumptious!" Demyx gave him a funny look as he tried to adjust to the sudden and uncomfortable comment. "You say, 'I've gotta get me some of that!' and then proceed to smother it with whipped cream!"

"You're making me hungry!" Yuffie whined.

"Alright, settle down." Sora cleared his throat. The title slide flashed on to the screen.  _'Please let this go smoothly,'_  he thought as he clicked the next slide. "To go through puberty ultimately means that you have reached sexual maturity—in a nutshell, you're able to reproduce."

He saw Yuna's hand go up. "Yes?"

"Do you have any children, Mr. Fair?"

"No, I don't," Sora answered.

"Do you want any?"

Sora didn't know why his students insisted on prying into his personal life. It seemed so harmless (depending on who was asking) but yet he couldn't help but suspect malicious activity later on. "Yeah, eventually, but I want to be married first."

"Oh, gosh, you're one of  _those_ ," Braig shouted. Sora raised an eyebrow. "You going to preach Psalms to us or something?"

"I'm surprised you even know what that is," Tidus snickered.

"I'm surprised that  _you do_ ," Wakka snorted.

This was why Sora had to split the lessons. He just  _knew_  his students couldn't stay focused. Did he need an entire period to explain male puberty? No.

With this class? Yes.

Perhaps it was time to put that full bottle of Ritalin that Riku had stashed away in the bathroom cabinet to use.

He obviously sure as hell wasn't taking it.

"You'll probably be familiar with all the signs I'm gonna present to you, but if you haven't yet noticed these bodily changes—you'll get there," Sora went on. "All of them are caused by the release of the hormone testosterone, which we'll get into later. First physical sign we're going to talk about: growth spurts. Genetics are what ultimately decide how tall you end up growing. So, if your parents are tall, you can probably hedge your bets and guess that you're gonna be a taller guy. Shorter parents? Same dice, you're likely gonna be on the shorter side."

"What if one parent is tall and the other is super short?" Ienzo asked.

"Then I guess you'll be in the middle," Sora responded. "It all depends on who you end up taking after in that regard. But remember, height doesn't determine anything about who you are as a person." He straightened up and went to the next slide, "Just a note before we proceed: It's important that you accept your body as it goes through these changes. Once puberty is done, it's done. You won't get any taller. You may have some unwanted weight gain or too much nose hair, but of course that can be maintained. Your voice will get deeper and you will have to use deodorant. It's all a part of life."

"When did you start puberty?" Ven asked, his tone actually genuine. For once.

"Uh, when I was fourteen," Sora answered. "One night I fell asleep and then the next morning I noticed my voice was cracking," he shrugged. He received blank stares from his students. "Okay, it didn't happen  _that_  fast, but that whole year was a blur to me. I really don't remember much of it. Although I had a class like this, I had to learn most of it on my own."

"Did you sleep for an entire year or something?" Ven asked. Sora couldn't help but smirk.

"Mr. Fair, I think you groom yourself quite well," Rikku complimented, though he wasn't sure how to react.

"We men should follow his example," Marluxia added. "However, I suggest that you use a more refined conditioner. I think your hair would look healthier and more natural that way."

 _'Riku told me Head and Shoulders was fine...'_  Sora mentally cursed as he absentmindedly ran his fingers through his wild, spiky hair.

"I think he looks great!" Rikku argued.

"Yeah, I agree!" Yuffie nodded.

"Alright, alright, enough about my hair. Next slide: 'Voice Changes.' In puberty, the larynx—or, the 'voice box'—swells up in response to the increased testosterone. The growth leads a deepening of the voice. It's much more increased in guys than it is in girls—in fact, you can actually see it in a man's throat. They call that lump the Adam's apple." Sora showed them a picture on the screen just for extra emphasis. "Some voices will be deeper than others."

"Why do emo bands use those whiny, high-pitched voices? Did they not go through puberty?" Demyx called out.

"What are you talking about?" Ven turned to him. "You sound just like that."

"I guess it's just the style," Sora replied, but he really couldn't care less. All of these interruptions were starting to get on his nerves.

"They so  _nasal_!" Rikku chanted as she pinched her nose. "N-A-sal!" Yuna and Paine chuckled with her.

He clicked the next slide. "Body hair. Everywhere. Lots of it. Your arms, your pubes, and for some, even the chest. Facial hair is more abundant in men, but that doesn't mean women don't grow it. Generally, pubic hair near the groin comes first."

"Sometimes I get pubic hair in my nose," Wakka said. "My mama says I have to take the tweezers and pull 'em out one by one, but that's just too much work, man!"

"Yes, that will happen," Sora answered. "You'll get hair in all sorts of places." He saw Braig's hand go up for the first time. "Yes?" he asked carefully.

"Mr. Fair, is there a certain barber to go to that will get rid of the hair on my balls?"

"No."

"You can always wax," Paine smirked. The male population of the class cringed at the thought.

"Guys do that?" Tidus grimaced.

"I do," Paine retorted.

"TMI," Ven scowled.

"Let's please keep our personal comments to ourselves…" Sora rolled his eyes. He clicked over to the next slide. "Next, muscle development. As your voices change and your hair grows, your muscles tend to shape up and become more dense. One of the most obvious changes is the broadening of the chest and shoulders."

"Why are  _you_  still so scrawny?" Wakka smirked.

"I like to think of myself as the lean type," Sora grunted.

"Don't you work out?"

"Well, I'm a P.E. teacher…"

"Blowin' whistles all day doesn't mean you're fit." Wakka leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms.

"Actually, he would run laps with us," Tidus pointed out. "It was Coach Lockheart that was the lazy one."

"She didn't run with y'all because her titties would flop all over the place," Marluxia clarified. "I'd imagine she goes to the spa every now and then to get a back massage. I would  _hate_  to have such huge boobs!"

"Oh yeah… those are nice," Wakka agreed, seemingly now deep in thought.

"At least you don't have my mom. She makes me wear fake tit straps just so I can feel her pain," Demyx cringed.

"Good grief!" Sora quickly interrupted. The last thing he needed to hear about were Tifa's  _gigantic_  boobs. He wasn't going to deny the truth, but…

He absentmindedly adjusted his pants.

"Alright, next topic." He almost didn't want to continue because of his  _situation._  The next slide didn't make matters much better. ' _What a good segue into this...'_

"Now, during this time you will start to feel unique sensations. This is called sexual arousal. In men, the penis fills... with blood and becomes stiff, ultimately causing…" Sora paused as he desperately tried to nonchalantly shift around to hide his own sudden discomfort, "...an erection." He waited for an immature comment, but was shocked when no one spoke up.

_'This is the one thing they're quiet about?'_

"Mr. Fair, may I sharpen my pencil?" Marluxia asked.

"Go ahead," Sora nodded. He was surprised anyone was taking notes in this class.

He was also pleased to find that he felt better now. Limp as a soft french fry.

For the most part.

As Sora continued on with the lesson, Marluxia made his way over to the pencil sharpener in the corner of the room, right behind where Ienzo was seated.

He didn't anticipate the writing utensil to be so slippery; before he could get the pencil into the sharpener, he began to grapple with it. "Oh, golly gee, it won't go in the hole!" The pencil ended up the victor, as it clinked onto the floor and rolled under Ienzo's desk.

"Oh dear," Marluxia whispered to himself, "guess I gotta do the bend and snap!"

He positioned himself to do just that.

Before he could retrieve the pencil, however, an outstretched hand held it out towards him. He looked up to see a mass of gray hair.

"H-Here," Ienzo said, averting his blue eyes.

"Thank ya, hun!" Marluxia graciously took the pencil back. "I'll be out of your way in a jippy!" He skipped back off towards the pencil sharpener. Ienzo turned back around in his chair, face slightly tinged pink.

"Next slide. A male orgasm happens when—"

"When you jizz in your pants!" Demyx shouted.

"...Those are synonymous," Yuffie pointed out.

Sora couldn't wait for this to be over.

o-o-o-o

The school day had finally come to its end.

Sora strolled to the lobby at the front of the building towards the exit to get to his car. Briefcase in one hand, his umbrella swung back and forth from the other. Even though he was nowhere near a window, the rumble of thunder echoed through the hallways.

' _I hope Haru made it to the bus this time...'_

As he entered the school lobby, the pouring rain came into full view from the glass windows lining the wall of the entryway. Standing idly by the door was none other than Kairi, watching as the thunderstorm flashed before her eyes.

"Oh, darn. I forgot my umbrella..." Kairi said to herself as Sora got closer.

' _Good thing I'm always prepared!'_

He quietly walked up behind her and held out the umbrella by her side. Kairi jumped when she noticed it in her peripheral vision; the realization of who was offering it after she turned around, however, calmed her nerves.

"Geeze, Sora! You're always sneaking up on me!" she giggled. He just smiled. She glanced back towards the umbrella, confusion evident in her indigo eyes.

"Take it!" he offered. "I have an extra in here." He gestured towards his briefcase.

"T-Thanks." She graciously accepted it as she took a small step to the right, putting a little distance between them.

"It's raining hot dogs and nails out there," Sora observed, staring out the window.

"You always say the darndest things," Kairi shook her head, chortling. She turned her attention back to the rainfall.

"I learned that one from  _you_ ," Sora chuckled. She smiled in response.

The two stood there for a few moments, taking in the sight before them. The only sound audible was the pitter-patter of the rain, and its occasional splash against the glass of the window.

It was awkward.

"Where did you park?" Sora asked to break the uncomfortable silence. "If you give me your keys I could get your car for you. I don't mind a little rain." It was a favor he used to do often for her when it stormed, before they dated. Those memories were fond ones.

"I'm being picked up," Kairi informed. "Thank you, though."

"Oh, I see. What happened to your car?" Sora asked.

"It's in the shop," Kairi chuckled nervously.

"Again?" Sora asked incredulously. She nodded her head slowly in response, a little embarrassed.

This happened a little too often. Sora kept telling her she needed a new car. The green '96 Toyota wasn't exactly durable—it was a miracle the thing still even ran. She was far too attached to 'Requiem' for her own good.

"I'm getting a new bumper," Kairi clarified. "Gosh, it's so expensive!"

"It needed that," Sora shook his head, amused. "But, yeah, it is." He chuckled once more. "So… what are you doing this weekend?"

"I—" Kairi stopped when she saw what looked to be a fancy DeLorean pull up. "That's my ride. I'm sorry but...I've gotta go!"

"Whose... car is that?" Sora's eyes widened as he looked on in awe.

Kairi paid him no heed, as she placed her hand on the doorknob to exit. "I'll return your umbrella on Monday!"

"You can keep it! But if you'd like to hang out, just—"

"I'm sorry, Sora, I really have to go," Kairi interrupted. She braced herself for the rain as she readied her umbrella. Sora looked on as she jogged over to the extravagant vehicle.

 _'Just give me a call,'_  he finished the statement he was trying to make in his head. As the car drove off and disappeared, a part of him wished he was the driver. And that wasn't just because he wanted the car…

 _'But damn, that_ is _a nice car…'_

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of rapid footsteps and high-pitched wailing, which only got louder and louder by the second...

"SORA! I've been looking for you everywhere!" He turned only to feel his heart race even faster when his line of vision found his distressed little sister—the source of all the ruckus. "Help me! I'm going to die!"

"What?!" Sora yelled, terrified.

"There's so much blood!" Haru screeched. She buried her face in her hands and cried, words indistinguishable through the muffled sobbing. Sora was at a complete loss as to what was going on.

_'Has the apocalypse finally happened? Was Vanitas right all along? Has everyone turned into flesh eating zombies?!'_

"Sora!" Haru screamed once more, catching her older brother's attention.

"Where is all the blood and carnage?!" Sora yelled. If flesh eating monsters were roaming the halls, there was no time to waste! They needed to hurry!

 _'I knew my zombie survival guide would come in handy!'_  Sora prepared himself for the showdown of a lifetime.

"It's coming…out of my…" The tears continued to stream down her face, her lip quivering as she used her hand to gesture towards... _that place_ , between her legs; there was definitely a patch on her black shorts there that was stained darker than the rest.

 _'Damn,'_  Sora mentally cursed as he realized his  _'Walking Dead'_  fantasies weren't coming into fruition.

"...Oh…God..." he cringed, as he processed the information. "Sh-shit, um...y-you don't know what's going on?"

"NO!" she wailed, new hot tears spilling from her glassy blue eyes. "Nurse Larxene told me to get over it! All I did was lay on the cot all day!"

"O-okay, calm down, calm down!" he pleaded weakly, as he tried awkwardly stroking her hair to comfort her.  _'I don't know how to handle these situations… clearly Mom didn't do her job...'_

"Sora, what are we going to do?!" Haru cried more.

"I'm gonna call Amaya, okay?" he notified her. "You're... you're gonna be fine." Haru buried her face in his chest as he set down his briefcase and reached into his pocket for his phone. He put an arm around his little sister as she continued to weep, and dialed Amaya's number.

"Hello?" his older sister's husky voice sounded over the line.

"Amaya?"

"Hey, Sora! What's up?" she asked cheerily. The sounds of screaming children and objects shuffling around around could be heard in the background.

"I-I think...Haru's having her first period," Sora explained, his voice shaky.

"What?!" Amaya yelled; Sora cringed from how deafeningly loud her voice was in his ear. "And I'm not there to witness it?!"

"Is it something to be… witnessed?" he asked, perplexed.

This was his worst nightmare.

"Sora, this is wonderful!" Amaya crooned.

"I don't think I'll ever understand you…" Sora conceded. "Anyway, can you come and get her since this is apparently so important?"

"You know I can't leave work!" she reminded him. Sora groaned. Well, there was always a chance she had the... _necessary supplies_  lying around the apartment, since she spent so much time there— "I only use tampons, and there's nothing back at home—Mom's going through menopause and stuff, so she doesn't need it anymore—"

"TMI!" Sora gagged. So much for that.

"—so you'll have to go to the store and get the things yourself."

"Say wha—"

"If you really need it, call Riku to help you," she added.

"How the hell is Riku going to help me?!"

"I've sent him on a few of my 'errands' before," she explained.

"...You've only been dating two months, how could he have done a  _few_ —"

"Boy's been my bitch since high school."

"SORA, IT WON'T STOP!" Haru wailed once more.

"Aww, Sora, you need to hurry up!" Amaya commanded, concerned by her younger sister's distress. "Remember, call Riku! I gotta go back! Oh, Damien, put those scissors away! You  _cannot_  do that!"

"Eh, um, okay!" He hung up and put his phone back in his pocket. "Come on, Haru!"

"Where?" she sniffled, moving her face away from Sora's now wrinkled, tear-soaked shirt. He sighed as he tried to smooth it out.

"Over to my car." He opened up his briefcase to retrieve his spare umbrella."I'm gonna take you to the store to get you the... things you need," he continued, reluctance apparent in his voice.

"Th-things I need?" she whimpered.

"Yeah. Come on, let's go." He pushed the door open and and clicked open the umbrella. Haru followed him out, staying close so the rain didn't get her wet.

Sora felt lucky to have parked so close to the entrance; the two made it to the car in a flash. He held the door open for her. Just before she climbed into the back seat, Sora realized something.

"Wait, Haru…"

"Hm?"

"Um...I need to find something for you to sit on so that Rhapsody doesn't get all messy," he explained. He spotted his gym bag in the backseat. Giving her the umbrella to hold, he leaned and reached for it. The first thing he pulled out was his favorite white Underarmour T-shirt, which never failed to keep him dry in even the most intense of his gym escapades. He held it for a moment as he contemplated its sentimental value.

"Sora, hurry up! Please!" He turned to see his little sister sniffling and shivering from the cold. Begrudgingly, he set the T-shirt over the seat and smoothed it out for her to sit on. She jumped in right away and fastened her seat belt as she began to take deep breaths in an attempt to calm down.

"Just... hang in there," Sora reassured, buckling himself into the driver's seat.

"Sora, do I have cancer…?" Haru asked, as she grabbed a tissue from the box in the glove compartment to blow her nose.

"No. This is something all girls go through. I know Mom never talked to you about it, but it's completely normal…It's actually what I'm supposed to talk to you guys about next class!" Sora started the car, making sure put his windshield wipers on at their highest speed.

"I didn't think it was real," she whimpered.

"What?"

"Serah told me about it—all the blood—in fifth grade, but when I asked Mom she said she was lying. I always thought it was just a big joke that all the girls were playing or something!"

 _'Damn it, Mom,'_  Sora thought. "Well...I guess you know now, it's real, alright." His phone buzzed; it was a text from Amaya.

 _"Equate brand pads with the wings… medium,"_  Sora read aloud. "The hell?"

"I feel so gross…" his little sister sniffled.

_'Imagine how I feel.'_

Thank goodness for car fresheners.

"Okay, okay, I'm gonna call Riku," Sora sighed. "He'll know what to do, apparently." He dialed his self-proclaimed 'best bro's' number.

"Bro, I'm kind of in the middle of something," Riku hastily informed when he picked up.

"Dude, I need your help," Sora began. "Haru's having her first period and I don't exactly have the expertise in the paraphernalia required for this horrific act of mother nature…"

"Why are you using all of those big words? And I can't just get up and leave, man," Riku groaned.

"I know Amaya isn't home, so what are you doing that is so important…?" He heard some shuffling in the background.

"Never mind. Just pick me up at the apartment." The phone line cut off.

' _Okay then.'_

"Alright, we gotta stop at my apartment first," Sora notified Haru.

"Please hurry," she whimpered.

"You just hang tight." He quickly backed out of the parking spot and drove off. Luckily, the drive wasn't too far; they would arrive at their destination in around 15 minutes. The rain, heavy when they had left the school, significantly lightened up along the way. Rays of sunlight peeped through as the gray clouds began to part.

As soon as they arrived at the apartment, Sora texted Riku.

"Haru, go ahead and move to the back," Sora said.

"Okay," Haru sniffled as she gathered her things and moved them over to the back seat. Sora blanched when he saw all the blood smeared and stained onto his beloved gym shirt. He did his best to hold back his disgust when he noticed her cheeks reddened with embarrassment.

Sympathy was not his strongest suit, but he tried for Haru's sake.

"Sora," Haru began. "Why  _exactly_ is this happening?"

"Well… back in biblical times…" Sora tried putting his thoughts together, "You remember the story of Adam and Eve, right?"

"Are you seriously doing this right now?" Haru whined.

Sora would do anything to protect his sister's innocence, even if it meant telling the tale of the snake and the forbidden fruit—whether it was true or not.

"That's why women have periods. No ifs, ands or buts about it."

Haru looked at her brother, unamused. She wasn't buying it.

He didn't know how he would explain it on Monday with Haru in the class.

"I think you're lying to me, too," Haru deadpanned.

"It's true! What other reason would someone bleed for a week and not die other than some supernatural deity causing it?"

"This goes on for an entire week?!"

"More or less…" Sora didn't want to talk about this anymore. "Anyway, you'll be fine."

"I don't believe you," Haru pouted. "I think you just don't feel like teaching outside of class! I'm not that dumb!"

"Regardless, that's the truth." His little sister scoffed in disbelief, and silence ensued.

Riku came out several moments later. Sora raised a brow at his...rather  _interesting_  attire. It wasn't the plain, baggy black shirt, or the gym bag he had slung over his shoulder, or even the sunglasses he wore. No, what  _really_ caught Sora's attention was Riku's rather unusual choice of hairstyle.

"Dude, what's up with the man bun? You look like you haven't shaved in a week, either," Sora stifled a laugh, as Riku took his seat. It was even harder for him to contain his laughter as he watched him get comfortable.

 _'I'm so evil,'_  he told himself.  _'But that's what you get for messing around with my sister.'_

He had to get back at him somehow, after all.

"Don't question it. Anyway, you called, I answered! Big Bro Riku is here to save the day! Man, it smells like fi—"

"Riku!" Sora punched his arm to shut him up before anymore damage was done.

"My bad!" Riku turned to see a distraught Haru in the back seat. "Haru, I brought you one of Amaya's skirts for you to change into after we get all the stuff; it's super short on her but on you it should even out." Sora gritted his teeth as he put the car in reverse. His best friend really needed to learn how to filter himself. "Whoa, her uterus is bleeding through that shirt I bought you, man!"

"JUST KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS TO YOURSELF, MAN!" Sora nearly hurled at the thought. They needed to get to that store, pronto. He stepped on it.

The usual ten minute commute to the shop was halved.

"I can't go in there!" Haru exclaimed, as Sora pulled into the parking lot.

"Sure you can! Just… go into the bathroom and stuff some toilet paper into your pants 'til—"

"Sora, bro, if she wants to stay in the car, let her," Riku cut him off.

"No way. She's only 15. I'm not letting her stay here by herself," Sora argued.

"She's a big girl."

"People get mugged in parking lots!" Sora argued.

"Oh, please. Nobody would even think twice about coming near a chick car like this," Riku scoffed. Sora was about to counter, but Haru was faster.

"Can we please just get this over with?!" Haru groaned; she didn't want their bickering to delay this "shopping trip" any longer.

"Couldn't have said it better myself," Sora agreed.

"Think of this as an adventure!" Riku exclaimed. Sora smacked himself on the forehead as they hurried into the store.

o-o-o-o

Roxas was going through the kitchen and gathering the ingredients for dinner that night.

Flashbacks of the man at the bar plagued his mind as they came back in bits and pieces; he couldn't quite remember everything that went down, but he knew one thing: he wasn't liking these thoughts that kept surfacing.

"Roxie, shouldn't you be studying?" Naminé asked as she wrapped her arms around his waist from behind, resting her head on his back. The thoughts dissipated and a small smile crept up on his face from her gentle touch.

"I think I'm going to cook tonight," he said with a smile. "You just relax." Roxas turned and kissed her forehead.

"Well, that's new," Naminé said, a bit surprised. Before she could say or do anything else, there was a knock at the door. The lovers exchanged odd looks; they weren't expecting any company. Roxas headed over and looked through the peephole.

"Oh, it's Kairi," he announced. With a short sigh of relief, he opened the door and let her in. "Hey!" Naminé walked over eagerly from the kitchen.

"Hello, I hope I'm not intruding on something," Kairi greeted, followed by a nervous laugh. Roxas shut the door and locked it before returning to the stove. Naminé noticed her uneasy state.

"Not at all," Naminé shook her head and embraced her friend. "What's going on?"

"It's nothing," Kairi smiled weakly. "I feel better just being here." Her eyes traveled to the kitchen where Roxas stood and then back to Naminé. Naminé understood what she wanted. "He cooks?" Kairi questioned.

"Occasionally, but when he does, it's really good. Do you want to stay for dinner?" Naminé offered.

"Yeah, that'd be cool!" Roxas agreed as he rummaged through the pantry.

"Sure!" Kairi beamed. "I'm excited to see this hidden talent of his. What are you going to make?"

"Creamy artichoke lasagna," Roxas answered proudly as he turned back to the counter. "Looks like I have everything," he was heard saying to himself. Naminé, knowing the thin walls of their apartment could not stop him from overhearing their conversation, walked over to the counter and swiftly took the basil while he wasn't looking. She hid it behind her back and pretended to examine the ingredients he already had laid out.

"Roxas, did you forget the basil?" Naminé asked.

"Nope, it's right he—" Roxas stopped when he realized it had disappeared from its spot. "Huh? I know I got it out," Roxas searched for it as Naminé slipped the seasoning into Kairi's hands.

"Just play along," Naminé whispered. Kairi gave her a confused look, but was quiet, nonetheless.

"Roxas Caelum, how could you forget the basil?!" Naminé screeched, visibly distraught.

"I had it! It was right here on the counter!" Roxas pointed to the now-empty spot.

"You know how much I love basil…" Naminé pouted.

" _Oh no_ ," Kairi said in an overly-dramatic tone, "Roxas,  _sounds like_ you'll have to walk to the store across the street and get some!"

"Uh..." Roxas exchanged perplexed looks with Naminé, unconvinced by Kairi's sketchy performance.

"Because  _obviously_ , the basil is not there!"

"Pwease, Roxie?" Naminé interjected, before Kairi could make matters any worse. She made sure Roxas looked right into her unwavering puppy-dog eyes.

"Okay, I'll go… just please don't cry!" Roxas backed out, making his way to the door. He swiftly threw it open; the rapid thudding of his footsteps could be heard all the way down the hall, before disappearing.

"For a second there, I thought he would never leave," Kairi sighed.

"You didn't put up a very convincing act," Naminé chuckled. "Next time, just let me handle it."

"Oh, sorry!" Kairi apologized, as she placed the herb back in its spot. A cheeky smirk then appeared on her face. "But… isn't it a sin to lie?"

"I go to confession every now and then," Naminé casually shrugged her off, as she led her into the living room. She paid no heed to the Kairi's exasperated expression at the revelation. "Now tell me, what's wrong?"

"Uh, well…" Kairi began digging her toe into the ground, averting her gaze. "I accidentally called Sora the other night when I was trying to reach Seifer."

"Oh?"

"Even though I see him all the time at work, it felt kind of weird." Kairi paused, deep in thought. "Hearing his voice over the phone like that…"

"Why did it feel weird?"

"I'm not sure. It was almost like… well, never mind." Kairi cracked a weak smile.

"Kairi," Naminé addressed her sternly this time. "We made Roxas leave for this. You're not getting out of this one."

"I know," Kairi pouted.

"What's  _really_  going on?"

"I just...feel really weird around Sora lately. After you told me that he may still have feelings for me, I don't know… it's like I can't be alone with him for long. Yeah, we can have a conversation every now and then, but today he was trying to ask me to hang out over the weekend and I completely panicked. Seifer was picking me up too, which was pretty nerve-wracking with Sora there. I'm afraid if he found out that I'm dating someone else, it may cause a rift between us… oh, Nami, what's the matter with me? Why do I even care?" Her thoughts were jumbled as she tried to formulate the words.

"Well, he broke up with you four years ago, right?" asked Naminé. Kairi nodded in response. "That's his loss, isn't it? He should have realized what he had then."

"Yeah..." Kairi was slow to agree.

"Boys sure are stupid sometimes." Naminé shook her head.

"Ain't that the truth… I think we're both more mature now, but he still seems pretty closed off. I don't expect him to tell me and I don't want to hear it, either." Kairi's stubbornness turned into uncertainty as she situated herself comfortably on the couch. "The past... is the past, right?"

"You don't sound too sure about that," Naminé eyed her.

"What do you mean…?" Kairi's face flushed.

Naminé didn't buy the innocent front her best friend was putting up. "You're not over him, are you?"

Kairi blinked rapidly as she processed the sudden question. "I-I… don't know…"

"Well, you should probably figure that out," Naminé suggested.

"...You're right..." Kairi sighed once more.

o-o-o-o

Searching for pads over the cries of his teenage sister was the last thing Sora wanted to be doing on a Friday afternoon.

"Sora, I told you aisle three! How the hell did you end up in the pasta section?!" Riku yelled incredulously, as he carried a shivering Haru on his back.

"Well, they kind of sound the same…" Sora reasoned. "Pad...sta?". He noticed a familiar face at the end of the aisle, but before he could say anything else, Riku continued his rant.

"Geeze Sora can't you take directions? Equate brand with the wings. Medium. That has nothing to do with food! In the meantime, your poor, innocent little sister is crying her eyes out because her uterine lining is leaking out of her vagina and you're not doing anything about it!"

"Why are you announcing it?!" Haru screamed and cried into Riku's shirt.

"I found Roxas," Sora casually pointed to the blond at the end of the aisle, as he continued trying to avoid the situation at hand.

Roxas looked up at the sound of his name and spotted the trio. "Oh, hey guys." He lifted his hand to wave but was confused by Haru's distress.

"Sora, why the hell are you trying to drag this out?!" Riku furiously questioned.

"ROXAS, HELP!" Sora made a mad dash towards his other best friend, cowering behind him.

"Um, I just came for the basil…and cocoa puffs," Roxas stated, dumbfounded. If drama was brewing, he didn't want to be a part of it.

"Riku, I'm having cramps..." Haru groaned.

"Sora, add midol to the list," he commanded.

"Why don't you go get it?! I don't know where it is!"

"NO! You need to learn!" Riku demanded. "Roxas, I'll call you later about finding Sora a bed buddy."

"Huh?" Roxas was baffled once more. Sora scowled.

He didn't get any clarification, as Riku dragged Sora away from the aisle.

"Ow, ow, my ear! Quit it!" Sora whined.

"You'll be in more pain if you don't hurry up, and it won't be coming from me!"

Sora complied after the haunting thoughts of his older sister beating the shit out of him entered his mind.

He now paid extra attention to the signs hanging above the aisles, when he finally found the one that read "feminine products." He was overwhelmed by the seemingly endless number of items lining the shelves.

"There are so many options..." Sora's mouth gaped open as he scanned the products. "Um… let's just pick one and go…" He reached for the first box that his hand found and examined it. "I'm pretty sure they're all absorbent… I mean, that's the point of them, so really we would just be paying for the brand name, right? Gah, which one did Amaya tell me to look for…?"

"Those are tampons, Sora," Riku informed. "Do you really want to explain to her how to shove one up her—"

"Okay, where are the fucking pads?!" Sora threw it back onto the shelf and desperately browsed the aisle while Riku continued to watch, not amused. "You know, I need to have a serious talk with Mom! In fact, I'll do that right now!" Sora clicked his mother's name in his contact list and impatiently waited for her to pick up.

"Sora, dearest! What a surprise! Did you get back with Kairi?!"

"No. Mom, why did you lie to Haru about her period?"

"Oh, is that what this is about?"

"Yes. I should not have to be doing this… we're in the store right now looking for pads…"

"Sora, when are you going to get a girlfriend? I thought that Kairi girl was really sweet."

"Mom…" Sora groaned, "Aren't you even the least bit concerned? Please answer my question…"

"I don't know. Did you tell her about Adam and Eve?"

"Yes."

"Keep it that way, then. Oh no, I left the oven on! Gotta go! I love you, sweetie!"

"Ugh…" Sora hung up. "Who gets their period when they're fifteen and doesn't know a damn thing about it?!"

"I DID!" Haru wailed, burying her face into Riku's shirt once more and tightening her grip around his neck.

A few people around gave the trio quizzical looks, befuddled.

"Good going, dumbass!" Riku coughed, exasperated by the girl he was carrying. "Damn, I don't even know if my shirt is soaked more in tears or blood at this point…"

"Riku, you're just…" Sora could just see it now.  _'Two men try to buy feminine products'_ on the front page of Yahoo. Then the truth would get twisted somehow and they would be made out to look like a gay couple. Their names would probably be combined into some weird thing like  _SoRiku_  and appear in the top ten trend searches for weeks to come. Fanfictions would be posted everywhere. Rule 34 would apply.

At least no one used Yahoo.

"Good thing I was smart and brought a change of clothes," Riku pondered. He glanced over to see Sora picking up another package; this one wasn't what they needed, either. "Sora, those are pull-ups."

"I'm not a baby! I'm not wearing diapers!" Haru yelled incredulously.

"You sure are acting like one!" Sora shouted right back, his irritation apparent.

"If you were bleeding like this you would freak out too!"

"Stop complaining! You're really annoying me now!" Sora growled. "We're doing the best we can!"

"No you're not. I could have been in and out in two seconds," Riku scoffed.

"Is that what you told Amaya?"

"Sora, you really don't want to go there right now, mister  _'I jack off to playboy magazine._ ' Who even orders magazines anymore? There's free stuff on the internet!"

"...Why are you going through my mail?"

"Oh please. It's not like they put it in some discreet box," Riku scoffed. "Besides, you don't even get the good issues. Everyone knows November and December are the hottest, but the last one you got was in July. I'm worried about you, man. Your taste in women has started to become really questionable ever since you became single. You  _do_  know Eternity is a shemale, right?"

"I..." Sora was at a loss.

"Hello? What about me?" Haru intervened, but was ignored.

"Let's just get the shit and go," Sora huffed.

"You guys are the worst!" Haru screeched.

"Don't group me into that!" Riku retorted. "I'm letting you ride on me!"

"Riku, now is not the time for your nasty jokes," Sora glared.

"I wasn't even being perverted, man. Get your mind out of the gutter."

"I don't know why you're being so mean to me, Sora!" Haru yelled.

"Just shut up. You're fifteen. Act like it."

"Damn, dude. Chill out," Riku warned as he pat Haru on the head in a comforting manner.

Sora grumbled as he continued to look for the suggested items. His gaze finally found them in the center of the shelf.

"Let's get the hell out of here," Sora threw the box of pads at Riku and stormed off.

o-o-o-o

After the debacle that was the shopping trip, Amaya invited the three to meet her at a Micky D's to "celebrate."

Her words. Not Sora's.

"Amaya, Sora was being mean to me!" Haru pouted, as they waited for their orders to come.

"Geeze, why do you have to complain so much?" Sora groaned, slouching in his seat.

There was a sudden, sharp, stinging pain in his cheek.

"That's for being insensitive!" Amaya retorted, her hand still up in the air.

"Damn! Bitch-slapped!" Riku jeered, before he, too, was swatted across the jaw. "Hey! I helped her!"

"You two dragged that poor girl out in public when she was clearly in distress and completely humiliated her! I should have you stoned for such incredulous acts!" Amaya slammed her hands on the table in anger.

"We're not women," Sora said smartly. He was quick to cower when Amaya raised her hand to hit him again.

"It took us thirty minutes just to get to the store, and then thirty more minutes just to find all of the stuff!" Haru added, still upset.

"Aww, I'm so sorry that you went through that!" Amaya held her little sister close.

"She should be thankful," Sora grumbled. "I could have just dropped her off at your work or at the house."

"Would you three stop fighting, already?" Riku groaned. "Where is the love?" He received three simultaneous glares.

He was never more thankful for food to arrive.

He also didn't attempt to start up any conversation as they ate, as the three siblings consumed their meals in an uncomfortable silence.

Amaya lightened up once the meal was done with.

"Haru, to celebrate this special day, I brought you some cake!" She reached into the shopping bag she had tucked in the side of the booth.

Haru's eyes lit up. "Oh, wow! For me?"

"Yes! My baby sister's a woman now!" Amaya gushed.

"Thank you! You're the best!"

"You bought a cake for this shit?" Riku cocked up a brow.

"Of course I did," Amaya quickly answered, giving him an incredulous look before turning back to her sister. "You wanna cut it, Haru?"

"Yes!" She jumped up excitedly, and graciously took the knife Amaya handed to her.

"...Where did you get that?" Sora asked nervously.

"Always gotta be prepared," Amaya answered nonchalantly.

"Came in handy when those handcuffs weren't opening that one time," Riku mused.

"Spare me," Sora rolled his eyes, as Haru dug the knife into the cake.

"Who wants a slice?!" Haru asked eagerly.

"Man, I would, but I'm stuffed!" Amaya said as she stood up to stretch.

"Amaya, your butt  _is_  really big!" Haru exclaimed, eyeing her sister's ample rear-end. "I wanna be just like you when I'm older!"

"Squats, girl, squats," Amaya responded with pride.

"Ohh, show me!" Haru exclaimed.

"Please don't do this in the middle of McDonalds," Sora pleaded, but it was a lost cause. He buried his face in his hands as Amaya and Haru began positioning their bodies to do the exercise.

"Get it!" Riku cheered. Amaya winked his way.

"You do realize that everyone is watching, right?" Sora groaned.

"If anything, we're giving them something to strive for. Haru, you've got to go a bit lower than that. Ten seconds. Hold it!"

"Gah, it hurts!" Haru whined.

"Can you feel the burn?!"

"I do!" Haru crashed onto the floor in a heap, exhausted.

"Start after your period's over, though. Those pad commercials are ridiculous. Extreme comfort and no slippage, my ass." Amaya helped her little sister up. "Just do three sets of ten, twice a day and you'll have a butt like mine in no time!"

"Everyone likes a little junk in the trunk," Riku added, digging a fork into the cake. "I'm sure Ven wouldn't mind at all."

Haru's face flushed at the suggestion, as Sora just sighed.

After everyone was finished with their share of cake, Amaya packed it up.

"I'll be over later," she told Riku, kissing his cheek. "Gotta take Haru home, first!"

"Oh, I will be waiting," Riku winked.

"Remind me to take those sleeping pills when I get home," Sora grumbled. They said their goodbyes, as Sora and Riku headed out over to Rhapsody.

It was an eventful day to say the least. The peaceful drive home under the stars was definitely welcomed by the two. They enjoyed the Island breeze with the windows down, with soft rock playing from the radio to further lighten up the ambiance.

Though Riku was relaxed, he couldn't help but notice his best friend looked a little distracted by something. "What's up, man?"

"Thinking about her," Sora responded.

"Who? Haru?"

"Um, no," Sora scowled.

"Oh…" Riku nodded, realizing who it was he was referring to. "Okay?"

"I think I'm gonna try talking to her… about getting back together," Sora said.

_'No matter what I do, I miss her.'_

"No way, bro," Riku interjected.

"Why?"

"That's just begging for drama. You broke up for a reason. Just leave it be," Riku advised.

"You think that's the best thing to do?" Worry was written all over his face.

"I know you see her a lot, but think of it like this. If something is expired, would you still eat it?"

"Um… no?" Sora was a little confused with his unrelated analogy, but continued to listen.

"Kairi is an ex. She may be your only ex, but regardless, y'all are done. I know you keep a lot of things in but maybe you just need to tell someone. Then you can get over it."

Sora pulled into the apartment parking lot. Riku was right; he had never told anyone his true thoughts on the matter.

And he still wasn't ready.

The two made it up to their apartment door in silence. Sora recalled the fancy car he saw earlier as he stepped into the living room and set his shoes aside.  _'I wonder whose car that was...'_

"About to do a number two. You may want to keep your bedroom door closed, I had chili for lunch," Riku told him casually before heading to the bathroom. Sora did just that—shut and lock his door.

After getting dressed into more comfortable clothes, he stretched out on his bed and shut his eyes. Spending a Friday night cooped up in a dark room wasn't exactly ideal, but he needed the rest. It had been a crazy week.

He had the rest of the weekend to enjoy, anyway.

The last thing he expected was a text coming in from none other than the person on his mind— _Kairi_.

"Wait, what?" Sora looked at his phone.

 _"Sorry about rushing off earlier. I hope you have a nice weekend!"_  the text read. A dumbfounded Sora blinked rapidly a few times before typing a response.

 _"I was just thinking about you. Don't worry about it."_  Sora sent the message, but then smacked himself in the head for his unnecessary comment. After another moment or two, he contemplated on whether or not to ask her about the person who picked her up. He decided against it and wrote another message.  _"We should chill sometime… if you want."_

 _'Good going, Sora. Way to be a real creeper,'_ he thought to himself as he waited for a reply.  _'But, I mean, it's been so long since we ended it...Dammit, I totally scared her off!"_  He was sure of it, as he buried his face in his pillow, frustrated.

That was, until his phone beeped once again and her name appeared.

" _haha no one uses the word chill anymore"_ she responded. Although he was a little surprised with the friendly answer, Sora began his next message.

" _...Everyone does, haha."_ He sent back.

_"im just messing with ya lol. u know im a dork"_

_"Yeah, you can be. But that's okay. :)"_ Sora said. Her quirky sense of humor was always something he loved about her. He smiled as he lay the phone on his chest. Having a text conversation with Kairi was something that didn't occur often.

It took her about five minutes to finally respond.

_"did u know roxas makes the mst awsme diinners?!"_

Normally when Kairi texted, she wrote with proper spelling, besides the conventional abbreviations. Sora grew suspicious.

_"Are you drunk?"_

_"lol no way. i dnt drink. who does tht. why what tim is it!"_

_"Way past your bedtime, missy."_ Sora joked, though now he was a little worried.

_"dnt spek to me like tht lol darn y u so cute"_

Sora's face reddened as he processed the words.

Though, this  _could_  have been the perfect opportunity to...

 _'Maybe I can ask her...'_ Sora pondered over this for a moment, weighing out the risks. Although she may not remember him asking, there would be evidence in the morning if he were to text her about this.

But truthfully, he couldn't take it anymore. He had to know for his own sake. Riku said talking to someone may help. Why not go straight to the source?

_"Kairi? I have a question."_

_"hm"  
_

' _Uh, okay…'_  Sora took a deep breath before typing out the question that had been on his mind for so long. He knew that this would possibly make things even more awkward at school, but he couldn't think of a better time. Besides, the truth came out when you were drunk, right?

 _"oops i had more wine"_  Kairi said.

 _"Um, well… would you consider going out with me again?"_ Sora hesitated before sending.

' _Or...no. I should probably call… it would be lame to ask over text. I wish I could just see her...'_  He erased the message, pressed the call button and put the phone to his ear quickly so he didn't back out of it. He didn't have to wait long for her to pick up; wherever she was, it sure was loud. He could hear muffled music and chatter in the background. "Hello? Kairi?"

"Oh, gosh… who is this?" she responded. Sora heard another girl's voice, as well as the silvery sound of Kairi's laughter.

' _I should not have done this...'_  Sora contemplated. But, it was now or never. "Kairi, I have a question for you. It's Sora."

"It's Sora!" Kairi repeated, likely to the girl that was with her. "What? You want to ask me something? Can it wait until Monday? My office is always open… ha!"

"Well, I—" Sora was cut off when he heard the phone click and the call drop. He stared at his screen for a moment before taking a deep sigh.

Maybe it was better this way...but yet, he still had this burning desire to  _know_.

"Oh well," Sora set his phone aside.

Just as he was about to go to sleep, a foul stench filled his nostrils and the sound of a toilet flushing was heard.

_'Dammit, Riku!'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man this was a doozy~ Leave a comment below with your thoughts on the wackiness, and thank you to anyone who's left kudos, subscribed, or bookmarked so far!


	6. Sugar, Spice, & Not So Happy Pancakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another update coming your way! One more update and we'll be all caught up with where we're at on FF.net.
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who's left kudos, subscribed and bookmarked so much! Please continue leaving your feedback - the support means a lot and is what keeps us going :)

Kairi awakened with an unrelenting migraine to the sound of pots and pans clanking in the kitchen. Her head pounded even more as she lifted herself up on the couch.

"Oh, you're awake," Roxas said, setting a pot on the stove.

"Good morning," Kairi greeted, followed by a yawn. She flinched from the pain and sudden introduction of light to her eyes and fell back over, landing right on her phone.

"Naminé went to a church service, so you're stuck with me."

"On a Saturday? That girl could live at the church for the rest of her life and be satisfied."

"Are you saying she's not happy with me?" Roxas teased.

"Not at all. Roxas, how did I end up here?"

"You got really drunk last night. I was actually pretty surprised to find you, of all people on my couch." Roxas knelt in front of her and examined her face. "How do you like your eggs?"

"That's okay. You don't have to make me anything." Kairi scrambled to her feet as she held her phone in one hand. She clumsily looked around for her belongings, clutching her head as she grimaced from the merciless headache. ' _Maybe I should ask Naminé to pray this dang hangover away for me while she's still at church...'_

"You're not leaving here without a proper breakfast. Naminé may be your best friend, but I know you, too. You're going to stop at the first Starbucks you see. At least let me save you some money. By the way, you should probably check your phone."

"Huh? Why?" Kairi asked as she looked down at it.

"A certain someone was texting me after your little fiasco last night," Roxas said as he pulled the eggs out of the fridge. "It was kind of annoying."

Kairi gulped and scrolled over to her messages. There was a thread with Seifer that she had started. They had an argument over text about where she was and why she needed time with her friends when she had him, which she suspected was her reasoning for going out in the first place. Next, was Naminé's thread, and then right after that—clear as day, was her entire conversation with Sora.

Panic rose within as she reluctantly clicked it. At first, it seemed pretty normal; a few misspellings here and there, but nothing too bad.

She then suddenly gasped, throwing an unaware Roxas off guard.

"I called him cute?!"

"Apparently, and although it's not that big of a deal to any of us, to Sora, an entire window of opportunities was opened."

"Oh, gosh… this isn't good. This isn't good at all…"

"You have some explaining to do on Monday."

Kairi came into the kitchen and plopped down at the table. "I can't."

"Scrambled?" Roxas guessed, cracking the eggs against the counter and smoothly pouring them into the pan. "Because, you know, that's what your brain is doing right now."

"Yeah, I'll take that. Thanks."

"Coming right up!"

Kairi sighed, slumping her shoulders as her head fell and planted itself onto the table.

o-o-o-o

Getting out of bed that Monday morning was a struggle. She'd been on his mind all weekend.

It wasn't even the fact that she was kind of, sort of flirting with him, that was bothering him. Nor was it that she hadn't messaged him back since that night, either. It was the fact that Kairi Hikari, the quintessential embodiment of a pure heart, was spending her Friday night drinking to her heart's content.

_'Who was she there with? Did she get home safely? Why hasn't she contacted me all weekend?'_

It just wasn't normal for someone like her, but then again, Sora was merely a co-worker now.

 _'A friendly co-worker,'_  he moped.  _'Alright, I need to cheer up. It's a new day.'_

And there was one thing that always brightened his mornings.

"Amaya!" Sora knocked loudly on Riku's bedroom door, ignoring the giggles and muffled  _growling_ sounds coming from behind it. "Amaya, make me some happy pancakes! Pwease?"

This must have killed the mood behind the door, because after some shuffling, Amaya, clad in what looked like one of Riku's flannels, opened it with a sour look on her face.

"Really, Sora? Really?"

Curling his lips together, he nodded, giving her his best 'puppy-eyed' stare. "With the vanilla icing smiles and everything. Pwease?"

"Oh! I want some happy pancakes!" Riku interjected from the bed as he held the covers over his chest.

"Why are you hiding your Greek God chest?" Sora asked. Modesty was not even in Riku's vocabulary, much less a characteristic of his.

"Only Amaya deserves to see the beauty that is my chest," Riku said, pulling the covers up higher and turning his head. "Quit acting like you know me."

"Aww, did Amaya give you cooties?"

"Yes, and they're highly contagious."

Sora looked on in disgust.

"Fine, I'll make happy pancakes," Amaya cut in, causing the two supposedly grown men to squeal with delight. "As long as Riku prepares the lunches and you clean up."

"Fine," Riku grumbled as he jumped out of bed.

"Amaya, you practically live here now, don't you?" Sora asked as he followed her into the kitchen.

"Yeah, and strangely, Dad doesn't mind at all. I really thought he hated Riku."

"Oh, he still does, but it's just a more refined hatred at this point."

"Your dad loves me and he knows it," Riku said, pulling a shirt on while trailing behind them. Amaya began digging through the cabinets to find the ingredients she would need to make the batter. "I was just misunderstood."

"Right," Sora rolled his eyes. "Very fine choice in… occupation, Riku."

"Bitch, where did you think I got my money?"

"I don't know, stripping? Drugs? Hire-for-kill?"

"We all know I don't need to show off my body to get dough. Just take a look at this face."

"It is a cute face," Amaya nodded, stirring the ingredients in a large, plastic bowl. Riku paced back and forth in the kitchen, gathering his thoughts.

"See, Sora, you're more of a pancake, and I'm a waffle."

"I'd love to hear your reasoning behind the eloquent metaphor."

"Waffles are just pancakes with abs, thus, like me. Think about it. If your S.O. were to pour some syrup all over you, would they be turned on by the result? Pancakes are plain and boring. Waffles, though, have defined characteristics. Watching the syrup trickle through the cracks of my heavenly abs is a wonderful, mouth-watering sight."

"Syrup! Oh my God, we need to try that sometime!" Amaya interjected excitedly.

Riku grinned at his girlfriend's approval, and then turned back to him. "You know what it is, Sora, that has made me so successful?"

"Your innate desire to feel as if your rocking body gives you some sort of empowered stature in society?"

The room was still and silent, the only sound audible being the sizzling of the pancakes on the griddle. Riku stood deep in thought, before shrugging his shoulders and bowing his head in resignation.

"You got me, man."

"So, Sora," Amaya interrupted as she flipped over the batch that was cooking with the spatula, "What happened this time that you so desperately needed happy pancakes for?"

Riku slightly raised his hand, whispering, "Oh, pick me, pick me!" Of course, he was ignored.

"Well, I wasn't expecting an intervention, but…"

"I know! Please, Amaya, let me say it!" Riku begged as he brushed up against her backside; she, however, did not give in to his antics.

"I think I know why," Amaya said, stepping aside and causing Riku to stumble.

"You do?" Riku and Sora asked in unison. Amaya nodded as she moved the pancakes over from the griddle onto a plate. She was forced to slap Riku's wandering hand away from them before going over to her brother, who was blinking rapidly in confusion.

"Give me your phone, Sora."

"What? Why?"

"Just freaking give it to me before I force you to."

"Psst, Sora, don't do it!" Riku warned, arms waving frantically in the air.

"Riku, prepare lunches or I'll kick your ass."

"Yes, ma'am." Riku shivered in fear as he hurried over to the fridge and began doing as he was told.

The man was whipped.

Sora reluctantly handed his phone over. Amaya smiled sweetly as she took it from him. Her features suddenly darkened as she raised it into the air and chucked it against the wall. A loud crack was heard as the heap of now-scrapmetal fell to the floor.

"AMAYA!"

"Warned ya. I saw that one coming from a kilometer away." Riku placed a mysterious tin container into Sora's bag.

"Now you're switching to the metric system?!" Sora yelled, baffled as he picked up his broken phone.

"Really? You stopped moping to point that out?"

"Sorry, couldn't resist," Sora admitted, then crumbled once again from the loss of his phone. "Amaya, why would you do that?! What if someone calls me and I need to talk to them? What if Kairi calls?!"

"Get over it." Amaya placed the pancakes on the table, now complete with the frosting smiley-faces. "Shut up and eat your happy pancakes, and stop thinking about her or whether or not she's going to call. This moping has gone on practically all weekend, and it's getting ridiculous! Either talk it out with her and get it resolved, or stay in your room and jerk off to your Playboys! And speaking of, who the hell even orders those things anymore?"

"We've been over this," Riku sighed. "The best issues are in—"

"Whatever. You're replacing my phone," Sora grumbled as he sat in his chair to eat his breakfast. "Thank you for the pancakes."

"That's more like it. Clean up this mess when you're done." Amaya nodded her head in approval as she went back into the kitchen to make more plates. Sora let out a dejected sigh and stared at his cracked screen, now deeming it hopeless that he would ever get any sort of response from her.

The frosting on the pancake melted, turning its smile into some sort of deformed frown.

' _Oh, the irony...'_

After he had finished eating and cleaning up everything in the kitchen, Sora went back to his room to get ready for work. Twenty minutes later, he was dressed, groomed, and ready to go. As Sora reached for his shoes by the door, Riku came up behind him, holding his lunchbox in his hand.

"Oh, thanks. What is it?" Sora asked as he slipped on his shoes.

"Sugar, spice, and everything nice. I also put in a little present to show you my love." Riku grinned, though Sora couldn't help but feel suspicious.

He blinked a few times before taking the bag from him. "Right. Well, I'm off."

"Come home soon, Ricky. I will be awaiting your prompt return."

"Alright, Lucy."

o-o-o-o

The class was unusually quiet this morning. As Sora set his briefcase down, he looked over the pool of students in confusion.

"Okay, who or what died?"

Marluxia was the first to raise his hand. "We're having a moment of silence. Shh."

"For?" Sora asked, ignoring the request.

"For Demyx's manhood. He just got served," Ven whispered. Demyx scowled at his classmates.

"Isn't that a daily occurrence?" Sora deadpanned.

"Yeah, but this was a different case. Demyx was trying to make fun of my mama, so I set him straight," Marluxia answered stoically. "Ain't no one gonna make fun of my mama."

Sora hesitated before speaking. "I'm starting class now."

"Don't you wanna know what it was—"

"If it had anything to do with David Bowie, save it."

No one said a word.

"What's on the agenda today, big bro?" Haru asked cheerily from her desk a few moments later, breaking the silence. Sora perked up, but right before he was about to start the speech that he was practicing all morning, he was interrupted by the door flying open and none other than Vice Principal Axel walking in.

"What now, Axel?" Sora groaned.

"Chill, man. I actually have a purpose other than bothering the hell out of you," Axel said, stepping aside to reveal the short, raven-haired kid behind him. Sora eased up a little.

"Oh, who is this?"

"New student. Name's Hiro Hamada or some shit. Let that one roll off your tongue."

Sora ignored the disrespectful introduction and outstretched his hand. "Nice to meet you, Hiro. I'm Mr. Fair."

Hiro shrugged, not acknowledging the introductory gesture.

"He came from San Fransokyo, which you all know is practically a world away, so make sure he feels welcome," Axel added, directing his attention to the class.

"We will. Hiro, there's an empty seat behind Ven." Ven raised his hand to signal to Hiro who he was.

"Whatever," Hiro mumbled, stuffing his hands into his pockets and walking over to his seat. After dropping his backpack onto the floor, he kicked his legs up and lounged back in his chair. The rest of the class watched with a mix of curiosity and excitement.

Taking him aside, Axel glanced back from the new kid to Sora several times. "He's a little socially challenged, but his mom says he's going through a tough time, so, just keep your eye on him."

"You're actually worried about someone?" Sora asked in a whisper, a little impressed.

"His mom is hot. Hear she's single and heartbroken or something."

"Axel, go away."

"Alright, but don't hesitate to send him to my office if there are any, you know, problems that involve calling his mother," he said, winking as he made his exit. Sora remained in front of the closed door for a moment before turning back to the class.

"Anyway, Hiro, welcome to the class. You've missed about two chapters so far, so I'll give you a little time to get caught up. We're having an exam on Friday, but you can take it next week if you—"

"I don't need time. Already read the entire textbook. You do realize how outdated it is, right?"

"Oh, well, okay," Sora said, a little thrown off. "And, yes. That's why I have my own—"

"Oh, you must be Mr. Smarty pants, then, huh?" Braig teased.

"Braig, come on, leave him—"

"It's fine. He's intimidated that I'm four years his junior and that I'll still graduate before him. He'll probably be around for at least another two years, and then drop out and receive his G.E.D. when he's twenty-four… if he's lucky."

A soft "oooh" rang out from their fellow classmates, who were clearly impressed with the new kid.

"Listen, you little chump," Braig shoved his desk forward and hovered over the new kid's desk, "I run this joint, so you'd better back up."

"Actually, I—" Sora was interrupted yet again.

Hiro, unfazed by his towering nature, merely said, "You like picking on those smaller than you, huh? Bet it makes you feel really special."

Ven turned around and held his hand up, expecting a high-five, but Hiro just blinked a few times and stared at him.

"I don't like physical contact of any kind."

"Oh, sorry." Ven lowered his hand and faced the front, slumping in his chair.

"Well, that's too bad, because I'm about to give you a knuckle—" Braig held his fist to Hiro's face, but the boy continued to ignore his advances.

Hiro reached into his backpack. This alarmed Braig, causing him to be on the defensive. When he saw what Hiro actually took out, however, he was even more enraged.

"What are you going to do with that?!" Braig asked, both confused and upset. He examined the pair of seemingly inconspicuous red-framed glasses that were now on Hiro's face. Hiro pressed on top of the right rim of the glasses and looked up at him, his face souring.

"Your germs make me want to gag. They're swarming everywhere." Hiro coughed in an exaggerated manner as he reached into his bag once more to retrieve a bottle of hand sanitizer, which he poured into his hands and rubbed them together. He then shifted his eyebrows and waved his hand. "Shoo, be gone."

"Oh, snap," Yuffie chuckled. Laughter rang out around the classroom.

"Can you check power levels with that thing?" Ven asked excitedly.

"It is not a scouter."

"So, you're a DBZ fan?"

"I've seen a few drawn out episodes that could have been compressed," Hiro admitted. "And six of the movies."

"Neat-o," Ven replied, warming up to the new kid.

"Ooh, can you tell how much HP I have left?" Haru interrupted, but Braig was growing impatient.

"That's it!"

Sora stepped in between them. "Okay, that's e-fricking-nough. Braig, sit down. Class will resume right now."

"Damn, Sora," Ven said, amused.

"Pipe down you little punk."

"Fine." Ven grumbled and sank into his chair once more, but the thought of possibly having a new friend kept his spirits higher.

Braig grumbled to himself as he pulled his desk back into place and plopped down, not hesitating to glare at the smug-faced new kid who took off his glasses and put them back into his bag. Sora took a moment to count the sheep jumping over the fence in his head in order to calm himself before continuing.  
_  
_ "Alright, enough dallying, time to start the lesson. We're going to talk about abstinence, contraceptive prevention methods, and learn how to effectively deal with social pressure." Sora pulled the projection screen down and readied himself for the lesson ahead. Surprised not to receive any snide remarks from the class, he continued.

"As you go through your teenage years, you're bound to encounter many influences, good and bad. Your decisions will ultimately make up the outcomes, but receiving a little guidance on what to do in those high pressure situations may help a little along the way and prevent unwanted mishaps." Sora moved to the next slide. "Now, what does abstinence mean? Anyone?"

"Being a nun," Wakka shouted.

"Well, sort of, but, nuns are a little different. Anyone else?" Sora looked around the room and was kind of pleased to see Haru's hand rise to the air.

"It means you save yourself for marriage."

This was music to Sora's ears.

"Lame!" Tidus interjected. Yuna adjusted slightly in her seat.

"Which is a stance that you all should take, but realistically, I know that won't happen. Therefore, I will teach you how to have safe sex instead because that's what the curriculum calls for and I have no choice but to go along with it."

"Alright, bring out the rubbers. I'm a little low on supplies," Braig boasted.

"Yeah, you realize that you don't need them for masturbation, right?" Ven teased. Hiro smirked behind him.

"Shut it you little weasel."

"It makes the clean up easier," Demyx added, ignoring the deadpanning stares from Sora and the rest of his classmates. Clearing his throat, Sora tried to put it behind him.

"I will not be passing out condoms, but I will tell you the best places to get them."

"That's not what they did in Mean Girls," Ven pointed out.

"Mean Girls was a highly inaccurate portrayal of high school life. Get pregnant and die? Come on."

"That's what you told me, big bro," Haru recalled.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Last week you said— "

"Anyway, you always have the right to say no to anything and everything that makes you uncomfortable. This is called consent." Sora eyed Tidus a little longer than usual, remembering the incident in the janitor's closet. "Any sexual act done without your permission, whether you are male or female, is considered sexual harassment, the most serious of which is called rape, which is defined as forced penetration."

"You can rape me any time," Rikku suggested, causing Sora's irritation to grow. If there was one thing that he didn't find funny, it was that.

"Rikku, that is not something to joke about. Do you realize what you're saying?" Not expecting the confrontation, she kept quiet. "This  _rape culture_  that you guys have going on… it's not cool, it's definitely  _not_ funny, and it's very degrading. It's a serious subject that has left countless victims scarred for life, and bringing it up in a light-hearted manner like this is quite disturbing to say the least. I will not tolerate those sort of comments in my classroom."

"I'm sorry," said Rikku, taken aback. Sora looked around the class to see whether or not his words had any effect on the rest of the students.

"I think you're absolutely right, Mr. Fair," Yuffie nodded in approval.

"I agree. Raping is horrible. Vani jokes like that all the time," Haru explained, disappointed.

"Yeah, I've been trying to talk to him about that," Sora grumbled.

"To put it simply, people are stupid," Hiro added.

"Thank you, and yes, some people are."

"No means yes and yes means anal!" Tidus blurted out, failing at stifling his laughter. Wakka joined in.

"Yes puh-lease," Marluxia blurted out ecstatically, making the two jocks feel very uncomfortable.

"Point proven," Hiro added.

Sora shook his head, proceeding to get back to the point of the lesson. They had lost enough time with the side-tracking already, as usual.

"Now then, if you are sexually active, there are ways to prevent pregnancy. Before going over condoms, probably the most common method of birth control nowadays, we'll talk about hormonal birth control, which is used by women. The most widely-used method of this form of contraception is the pill, though there are others, such as IUDs, uterine rings, and subdermal implants; many of these are available even for your age group. Now, I don't need to know who is on any of these. That's none of my business. Nor am I able to recommend or prescribe anything to you - that's a conversation you need to have with your doctor. I'm just here to tell you what options are out there."

Yuffie raised her hand. "Mr. Fair, is there a male version of birth control other than condoms?"

"Most forms of birth control are geared towards women, yes. Diaphragms, spermicide, cervical caps, and a plethora of other options are made specifically for vaginal is, however, a semi-permanent solution for men done through surgery called a vasectomy. It is extremely effective, and is in many cases reversible, too, if a man decides he wants to have more kids later - but, of course, you'd need more information from a doctor before deciding to do something that invasive. Birth control pills for men are also being developed, but there are currently is no form of hormonal birth control available on the market. There are amateur methods, such as  _withdrawal_  and a term known as outercourse."

"So, if you pull out, it's okay?" Demyx asked, seeming genuinely curious.

"If we're strictly speaking about the chances of getting pregnant, the answer is sometimes. A woman can still get pregnant by the pre-ejaculatory fluid. The best combination is when she is on birth control, and he is wearing a condom."

"Demyx would need to be super quick, considering his stamina only lasts about ten seconds," Tidus taunted.

"Probably less than that," Wakka chuckled.

"Shut up."

"Stop it, guys. Why do you always have to pick on him?" Haru interjected.

"Aww, thanks, Teach's little sis!"

Sora nodded in agreement. Before he was able to continue, Marluxia's hand went up. "Yes?"

"I feel like none of this applies to me. Could I be excused?" Sora sighed and shook his head.

It was going to be a long day.

o-o-o-o

Kairi set her coffee mug onto the table and sighed as she stirred it around. She was not looking forward to lunch today.

"Well, well, look who it is!" Axel said, parading his way into the teacher's lounge and ruining Kairi's wish for some peace. He pulled up a chair off to the side and gave her a cheeky smile.

"Hello, Axel. How are you?" Kairi asked, bemused, keeping her focus on the mug.

"Someone is down in the dumps. Would it have something to do with a certain club on a certain Friday night and a certain text conversation that left a certain someone feeling very uncertain?"

Kairi's jaw dropped, dumbfounded as her eyes traveled up to meet his. "What?"

"Kairi, there's something you need to know, just in case you didn't already. I know everything that goes on in and outside of this school. That kid in class 2-B that threw up last Thursday? He ate a bunch of brussel sprouts and they didn't agree with his stomach. The one setting apples into lockers for the hell of it goes to you on a weekly basis. The hook up in the bathroom between Mr. Jester and the sixteen-year-old boy—"

"What?!"

"My point is," Axel said loudly, covering his tracks smoothly, "You can't hide anything from me."

Still a little disturbed, all Kairi could do was sit there and sigh once more.

"I can't face him."

"Well, you're going to have to. Here he comes in three, two…"

Right on cue, Sora walked into the teacher's lounge, lunchbox in hand.

"Oh, hey!" Axel waved. "Didn't expect you to show up!" Kairi glared at the vice principal.

"Why?" Sora asked as he went over to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. He leaned against it and stared back at them with a smirk on his face. Kairi averted her gaze back to the mug.

' _Act casual, Sora, be cool…'_

"Oh, you know, you just usually eat lunch in the cafeteria," Axel responded nonchalantly.

"I just felt like coming here today, I guess. I can leave if I'm interrupting something."

"No," Kairi and Axel say in unison.

"Uh, okay. Mind if I sit here?" he asked Kairi, pointing to the empty chair next to her.

"Yes. I mean, no. I mean…"

Sora pulled the chair and plopped himself right into it. His heart raced, and the collar of his shirt suddenly felt constricting. He undid the top button to loosen it, keeping his composure. The room was almost uncomfortably silent; he reached for his lunchbox and pulled out the tin can Riku had packed him. The clanging of the metal was the only sound audible.

He needed to lighten up the stiff atmosphere.

"So, Kairi...you think I'm cute, huh?"

He couldn't resist.

"Um, about that…" Kairi replied, her eyes shifting in the opposite direction.

"I do," Axel interjected.

"I already get that shit from Riku," he responded, unimpressed.

"Sounds like you should start your own fanboy service."

"I don't think so. Hmm, speaking of Riku, let's see what marvelous thing he packed me for lunch." Sora opened the box, and a horrendous stench filled the room.

"Oh, God! What is  _that_?! It smells like the foreskin of a thousand circumcised babies!" Axel gagged. Sora was too busy pinching his nose shut and preventing the happy pancakes from making a reappearance to respond.

"Quick, shut it!" Kairi begged. Sora did exactly that.

"It looked like gray slime! I am highly disappointed! What happened to pb&j?!"

"It was Surstromming… it's Swedish a food. Considered a delicacy among some elders. You don't find it in the everyday pantry, though." Kairi clarified, still trying not to throw up. "I never thought I'd see it again after that game of truth or dare…"

"I'm going to choke him with this stuff when I get home. What the hell was he thinking?!" He hurried over to the window and opened it.

After the smell aired out, the trio was able to resume their previous positions.

"Well, that sure was something else," Sora concluded. "Sorry, guys."

"Remind me to stab him," Axel said darkly.

"Noted."

Sora dug through his lunchbox, and found solace in the leftover Chinese food - chicken fried rice - Riku had so graciously also thrown in there. He opened it carefully, and upon finding it  _safe_ , he dug in with a fork. There was also some leftover nachos, as well as a slice of pepperoni and ham pizza.

"You've got the whole world in your hands, huh?" Axel remarked.

"Apparently. You guys want any? I don't think I can finish all this myself."

"No, thanks," Kairi declined politely.

"What, afraid to share food with me, now?" Sora quipped, nudging her shoulder. There was still an awkward tension between the two of them.

After a few moments, Kairi took a deep breath. "Sora, we need to talk."

Sora set his fork down slowly and looked over at her. Axel stayed put, resting his head in his hand.

This was about to get interesting.

"Um, sure," Sora gulped, nervous about what was to come.

Axel continued to remain. Kairi cleared her throat and glared over at him.

"I'm not here," he sang, waving her off.

"Axel, could you give us a moment?" Sora asked calmly as he fiddled his thumbs together.

"Fine, I'll stand guard, but you two better not be doing the  _diddily do_  when I come back in." Axel got up and walked out, shutting the door behind him. Kairi and Sora stayed at the table, neither of them knowing where to begin. After a grueling silence, Sora finally spoke up.

"So, what do you want to talk about?"

"Well, first of all, I…" Kairi paused, "I wanted to apologize to you for my behavior this weekend. I said some things that I didn't quite mean, and it was completely out of line given the relationship that we have."

After a short pause, Sora finally posed the question that had long plagued him with uncertainty. "What relationship... _do_  we have, Kairi?"

Kairi's lips quivered as she thought of her response. "I...wanted to talk to you about that too." Sora's heart raced as he braced himself for what came next.

"I...think it's best if we distance ourselves from each other for a while."

Sora's eyes widened as he looked up at her. "What?"

"I'm with somebody, Sora. I was afraid to tell you, because I wasn't sure how you would react."

Sora's gaze immediately hit the floor. "Oh, I see."

Kairi rose from her chair and gathered the courage to continue. "I really like him, and I want to make it work. So, you can do your thing, and I—"

"Kairi, stop." Sora stood and headed for the door. He turned once more to face her, sadness evident in his eyes; a conflict to the otherwise encouraging smile on his face. "This is all my fault, anyway. If you want some space, I'll give that to you. I'm so sorry for doing anything that has made you feel uncomfortable. I really do wish the best for you."

Kairi bit her lip, but managed to nod her head. "Thanks for understanding."

"Of course...Well, I guess I'll see you around." With that, he walked out.

She slumped back into her chair and wiped the tears that had suddenly formed.

' _Did I do the right thing?_


End file.
